Being Liked Almost Broke Me. Choosing Myself Saved Me.

Boundaries don’t push good people away. They filter them.

I was taught that “nice” keeps you safe.

So I learned to be agreeable, helpful, easy.

At work, with friends, at home, I smoothed everything over. “No worries, I’ll stay late.” “Totally fine, I’ll drive.” “Where do you want to eat?”

The invisible job description

Somewhere along the way, I accepted an unspoken job: keep everyone comfortable.

I lived on the thin ice between “I don’t want to disappoint you” and “I don’t know what I want.”

I called it “easygoing.”

Truth: it was self-abandonment with good manners.

People-pleasing looks generous, but it runs on fear of conflict, rejection, and being called difficult.

You become agreeable in public and resentful in private.

You swallow your “no,” then crave sugar at 10 p.m. because your body wants a hit of relief.

The costs

I outsourced decisions, then resented people for making them.
I said yes fast and lived with it.
I offered “It’s fine” so often I felt invisible.

The worst part wasn’t burnout. It was confusion.

If you forget what you want long enough, desire shuts-down.

The moment I picked myself

A 9:00 p.m. text from my boss: Need a revised contract by 6 a.m. My fingers typed “No problem,” then stopped.

I tried something terrifying:
“Thanks for the note. I’m offline now and back at 8. I can have the revision by noon or EOD—your call.”

I put the phone face down and braced for impact. Picked it back up to see the reply: “Noon works.”

The world did not end. Only a belief did. The one that said I must be easy to be loved.

What choosing myself looked like

It wasn’t a personality makeover. It was small sentences and honest pauses:

“I need to check my calendar. I’ll confirm tomorrow.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not available for that timeline.”
“I’d love to come, and I’m leaving by nine.”

Each morning I asked: What would choosing myself look like today?

Sometimes it was closing the laptop at six. Sometimes telling a friend, “I can’t hold this conversation tonight.” Sometimes a quiet walk with no phone.

Trade-Ups (taped on my fridge)

• Trade being liked for being trusted.

• Trade fast yes for considered yes.

• Trade pleasing now for peace later.

• Trade popularity for self-respect.

Clarity isn’t mean. It’s kind.

It prevents the quiet resentment that grows when your mouth says yes and your gut screams no.

Backlash and a filter

When you stop being the accommodating version of yourself, some people will miss her.

• A crisis-loving client left

• A friend who loved advice but not reciprocity drifted.

• My “so called chill” reputation faded.

What arrived. People who ask, “What works for you?” and mean it. Clients who plan. Good friendships. A calmer nervous system.

Boundaries don’t push good people away. They filter them.

My body was the first to believe me.

My jaw unclenched. Headaches eased. Sleep became easy.

Coffee became a pleasure, not life support.

Scripts (you can borrow)

“I don’t make decisions in the moment. I’ll reply tomorrow.”
“I can take this if the deadline is Friday. If not, I’ll pass.”
“Thanks for thinking of me. Not a fit, but I’m cheering you on.”
“I have 15 minutes right now. After that, I’ll need to go.”

They feel uncomfortable at first. Keep going.

The unpopular truth

Being liked almost destroyed me because I put approval above self-respect.

I still enjoy being liked. I just won’t trade myself for it.

What is one boundary you can make this week?