Emotional labor is one of the biggest hidden drains on women’s time, health, and financial confidence, yet it’s rarely counted as work until we stop doing it.
Thanks for this excellent piece. I've been uncomfortable with the 'concept creep' emotional labor has been experiencing. Some authors are a bit hasty in lumping all unpaid, Invisible labor into this idea. While I want work to be a broader concept and not tied to the market economy, I also want to fight for more nuance. And I want to pay homage to the original while also looking for a bridge between professional and personal contexts. This piece both offers the bridge and also the nuance I want.
I was helping elderly father on computer yesterday, he was stressed and angry at the computer but to me it felt like he was angry at ME. I explained, he said it wasn't at me. But I know my elderly mother would NOT have blasted a radius of 10 meters with annoyance, she would have stayed ostensibly calm, because after running household emotions and 5 kids for decades she's a pro. Dad on the other hand has never learned to restrain his opinions, annoyance and irritation. He's being authentic on one hand but making everyone else do the work of restraint.
I'm in the position of seeing a long term imperfect relationship and feeling annoyed at having to be around them more, now they are needing more help. Every time I leave their house I have a little talk about patience to myself. But maybe it's a really good idea to not let him get away with this stuff, even though its late in the day!!
Thank you for this. I've been working on doing this with my husband and daughter, taking some steps back so that they can solve things themselves. It seems to be working, and I certainly feel lighter. I've stopped offering solutions but am a good listener.
No deep acting. But, in sales for thirty-five years, I might as well have been an actress. Every morning, it was, “Action!” I always had to be “on.” I succeeded because I knew and believed in my product and looked at sales as “educating the customer.” I knew my shit. But life was not allowed to get in the way. Fortunately, when I went back to college, to teach my students communications, we talked about this whole “faking it” way of life and wrote/gave speeches about the importance of being our authentic selves and how to preserve that self at all cost. Thank you, Ellen! ❤️
So good Ellen and so true. As a therapist who's been working on this in my own personal like for years I was gratified to note that I have shed all of this and this is why I feel so free. Every woman deserves this and societal narratives don't make it easy.
I feel this deep in my soul! Especially the managing everyone's emotions and knowing all the things. It is exhausting! And you're right. It's time to stop.
Another excellent piece! My ex taught me one of your lessons when we had a German exchange student staying, and every day she'd come home from school and say, "Vat's for dinnah?" and I'd start seething inwardly. Then I went out of town and she came home on day one and said, "Vat's for dinnah?" and he said, "Whatever you're making." I should add that we are all great friends now, nearly 15 years later!
I want to add to your paragraph: "You tell yourself your sister-in-law isn’t being passive-aggressive, she’s just insecure. Your teenage daughter isn’t being impossible, she’s just figuring things out. Your ex isn’t being vindictive about the custody schedule, he’s just hurt." I think she is passive-aggressive and insecure; she is impossible and figuring things out; he is being vindictive and is hurt. It's good to understand; not necessary to excuse the behavior for that reason!
A-FREAKING-men 💃🎉
Emotional labor is one of the biggest hidden drains on women’s time, health, and financial confidence, yet it’s rarely counted as work until we stop doing it.
Thanks for this excellent piece. I've been uncomfortable with the 'concept creep' emotional labor has been experiencing. Some authors are a bit hasty in lumping all unpaid, Invisible labor into this idea. While I want work to be a broader concept and not tied to the market economy, I also want to fight for more nuance. And I want to pay homage to the original while also looking for a bridge between professional and personal contexts. This piece both offers the bridge and also the nuance I want.
Love this.
I was helping elderly father on computer yesterday, he was stressed and angry at the computer but to me it felt like he was angry at ME. I explained, he said it wasn't at me. But I know my elderly mother would NOT have blasted a radius of 10 meters with annoyance, she would have stayed ostensibly calm, because after running household emotions and 5 kids for decades she's a pro. Dad on the other hand has never learned to restrain his opinions, annoyance and irritation. He's being authentic on one hand but making everyone else do the work of restraint.
I'm in the position of seeing a long term imperfect relationship and feeling annoyed at having to be around them more, now they are needing more help. Every time I leave their house I have a little talk about patience to myself. But maybe it's a really good idea to not let him get away with this stuff, even though its late in the day!!
Thank you for this. I've been working on doing this with my husband and daughter, taking some steps back so that they can solve things themselves. It seems to be working, and I certainly feel lighter. I've stopped offering solutions but am a good listener.
No deep acting. But, in sales for thirty-five years, I might as well have been an actress. Every morning, it was, “Action!” I always had to be “on.” I succeeded because I knew and believed in my product and looked at sales as “educating the customer.” I knew my shit. But life was not allowed to get in the way. Fortunately, when I went back to college, to teach my students communications, we talked about this whole “faking it” way of life and wrote/gave speeches about the importance of being our authentic selves and how to preserve that self at all cost. Thank you, Ellen! ❤️
Sing it—!
So good Ellen and so true. As a therapist who's been working on this in my own personal like for years I was gratified to note that I have shed all of this and this is why I feel so free. Every woman deserves this and societal narratives don't make it easy.
I feel this deep in my soul! Especially the managing everyone's emotions and knowing all the things. It is exhausting! And you're right. It's time to stop.
Another excellent piece! My ex taught me one of your lessons when we had a German exchange student staying, and every day she'd come home from school and say, "Vat's for dinnah?" and I'd start seething inwardly. Then I went out of town and she came home on day one and said, "Vat's for dinnah?" and he said, "Whatever you're making." I should add that we are all great friends now, nearly 15 years later!
I want to add to your paragraph: "You tell yourself your sister-in-law isn’t being passive-aggressive, she’s just insecure. Your teenage daughter isn’t being impossible, she’s just figuring things out. Your ex isn’t being vindictive about the custody schedule, he’s just hurt." I think she is passive-aggressive and insecure; she is impossible and figuring things out; he is being vindictive and is hurt. It's good to understand; not necessary to excuse the behavior for that reason!
At 77, I finally reached mid life…
74 for me. Yay us!!!
This is great! We seem to be in sync with our style and content of writing!