Ellen, thank you so much for sharing. As you mention, as a child I always thought harmony just happened in the room in our family but now that I grew up I understand the emotional labor my mother had to carry. Now, I have experienced it myself. I have worked in the hospitality industry for the past 6 years and I believe more than a technical job, this industry and probably many others are about emotional labor. Carrying the weight of emotions that arent yours and allowing to hold space for people to let it all out wether you agree or not. I actually wrote a post about this today and I would really appreciate if you would let me know what you think! https://open.substack.com/pub/mariathecontentconcierge/p/hospitality-is-emotional-labor?r=8ehlc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
It took tremendous tragedy to address my constant impulse to make other people feel better. It’s a hard habit to break, but hitting rock bottom helped me to break that habit!
Thank you for the revelation that many mid-life woman hold on to, emotional maintenance of others at the risk of suppressing their own. It is so true, that yes, there are many of us who have done or do this, and it does need to stop!! Thank you!!
Thank you for writing this! I've been working on this for the past few years (and got to put it in a lot of practice over the holidays). It's taken a while but I can see now the voice in my head has evolved, and know a person can be empathetic and caring without bearing the entire emotional load.
This gives so much permission to put your own energy back in your own hands. There is relief in seeing that you were never meant to be the emotional switchboard for everyone else. Letting other people handle their own reactions feels like respect for them and for yourself. The guilt makes sense when a pattern shifts, but it does not mean you are doing something wrong. It just means you are no longer volunteering for exhaustion.
I’ve experienced how much more I can accomplish in the world when I give up some emotional labor that isn’t my responsibility, such as managing emotions for grown adults. It becomes more clear how draining it is when you stop doing it and experience the difference; and if you occasionally get sucked into doing it again and find yourself once again drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
I love this reflection, thank you for sharing. My dad is elderly and angry, he's been an angry drinker all his life which is now reflected in his physical health. Emotional responsibility is a pattern we bring from childhood & it's hard as hell when it all surfaces again now - even 'after all the therapy and shadow work' it doesn't go, it shifts into something softer - so we have to be non negotiable in our self care and self love, the child who didn't receive.
My current struggle is how much time & energy do I give, is he my responsibility, am a less compassionate by maintaining my distance (and inner peace). I am so grateful for threads and communities like this one xx
Nearly fifteen years ago, I became the person "who's finally too tired to pretend". Tired of my in-laws' dominance, racism, sexism, constant insults-disguised-as-joking-or-caring, and lording control over their sons and their sons' families. After a particularly egregious offense, I rebelled in writing in a letter to my in-laws, requesting a little space. As they do with all "uncomfortable people", they cut me out of their lives completely. Not my husband or children. Just me. And now one of them has died, and boy oh boy, there's no one there to manage everyone's feelings. During these days of high emotion and mourning, I'm completely out of the fray. It feels foreign, but I can't stress how glad I am to be on the outside, peering in. That family is finally looking at some truths they've refused to for many years.
This resonated deeply. You put language to something so many women have been carrying quietly for decades.
What stood out most for me was the distinction between surface acting and deep acting — especially how deep acting can masquerade as compassion while subtly pulling us away from ourselves. That line about gaslighting ourselves to avoid conflict landed hard, because so many of us were taught that being “understanding” was a moral virtue, even when it required self-erasure.
I also appreciate the framing that stepping back from emotional labor isn’t unkind — it’s respectful. Respect for others as capable adults, and respect for ourselves as humans with finite energy. The question “What would happen if I stopped?” feels like such a powerful midlife inquiry.
Thank you for making the invisible visible, and for naming the wisdom that comes with choosing honesty over harmony.
Emotional labor is one of the biggest hidden drains on women’s time, health, and financial confidence, yet it’s rarely counted as work until we stop doing it.
Thanks for this excellent piece. I've been uncomfortable with the 'concept creep' emotional labor has been experiencing. Some authors are a bit hasty in lumping all unpaid, Invisible labor into this idea. While I want work to be a broader concept and not tied to the market economy, I also want to fight for more nuance. And I want to pay homage to the original while also looking for a bridge between professional and personal contexts. This piece both offers the bridge and also the nuance I want.
I was helping elderly father on computer yesterday, he was stressed and angry at the computer but to me it felt like he was angry at ME. I explained, he said it wasn't at me. But I know my elderly mother would NOT have blasted a radius of 10 meters with annoyance, she would have stayed ostensibly calm, because after running household emotions and 5 kids for decades she's a pro. Dad on the other hand has never learned to restrain his opinions, annoyance and irritation. He's being authentic on one hand but making everyone else do the work of restraint.
I'm in the position of seeing a long term imperfect relationship and feeling annoyed at having to be around them more, now they are needing more help. Every time I leave their house I have a little talk about patience to myself. But maybe it's a really good idea to not let him get away with this stuff, even though its late in the day!!
I love this reflection, thank you for sharing. My dad is elderly and angry, he's been an angry drinker all his life which is now reflected in his physical health. Emotional responsibility is a pattern we bring from childhood & it's hard as hell when it all surfaces again now - even 'after all the therapy and shadow work' it doesn't go, it shifts into something softer - so we have to be non negotiable in our self care and self love, the child who didn't receive. My current struggle is how much time & energy do I give, is he my responsibility, am a less compassionate by maintaining my distance (and inner peace). I am so grateful for threads and communities like this one xx
Ellen, thank you so much for sharing. As you mention, as a child I always thought harmony just happened in the room in our family but now that I grew up I understand the emotional labor my mother had to carry. Now, I have experienced it myself. I have worked in the hospitality industry for the past 6 years and I believe more than a technical job, this industry and probably many others are about emotional labor. Carrying the weight of emotions that arent yours and allowing to hold space for people to let it all out wether you agree or not. I actually wrote a post about this today and I would really appreciate if you would let me know what you think! https://open.substack.com/pub/mariathecontentconcierge/p/hospitality-is-emotional-labor?r=8ehlc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Looking forward to keep reading your posts!
It took tremendous tragedy to address my constant impulse to make other people feel better. It’s a hard habit to break, but hitting rock bottom helped me to break that habit!
I’m definitely circling the wagons this year. Good post. Especially loved this:
“You’re tired. Not just physically tired, though you’re that too. You’re tired of being the designated emotional adult in every room you enter.”
Yup. Exhausted.
Thank you for the revelation that many mid-life woman hold on to, emotional maintenance of others at the risk of suppressing their own. It is so true, that yes, there are many of us who have done or do this, and it does need to stop!! Thank you!!
Thank you for writing this! I've been working on this for the past few years (and got to put it in a lot of practice over the holidays). It's taken a while but I can see now the voice in my head has evolved, and know a person can be empathetic and caring without bearing the entire emotional load.
This gives so much permission to put your own energy back in your own hands. There is relief in seeing that you were never meant to be the emotional switchboard for everyone else. Letting other people handle their own reactions feels like respect for them and for yourself. The guilt makes sense when a pattern shifts, but it does not mean you are doing something wrong. It just means you are no longer volunteering for exhaustion.
I’ve experienced how much more I can accomplish in the world when I give up some emotional labor that isn’t my responsibility, such as managing emotions for grown adults. It becomes more clear how draining it is when you stop doing it and experience the difference; and if you occasionally get sucked into doing it again and find yourself once again drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
I love this reflection, thank you for sharing. My dad is elderly and angry, he's been an angry drinker all his life which is now reflected in his physical health. Emotional responsibility is a pattern we bring from childhood & it's hard as hell when it all surfaces again now - even 'after all the therapy and shadow work' it doesn't go, it shifts into something softer - so we have to be non negotiable in our self care and self love, the child who didn't receive.
My current struggle is how much time & energy do I give, is he my responsibility, am a less compassionate by maintaining my distance (and inner peace). I am so grateful for threads and communities like this one xx
THIS ALL DAY!!!!!
Nearly fifteen years ago, I became the person "who's finally too tired to pretend". Tired of my in-laws' dominance, racism, sexism, constant insults-disguised-as-joking-or-caring, and lording control over their sons and their sons' families. After a particularly egregious offense, I rebelled in writing in a letter to my in-laws, requesting a little space. As they do with all "uncomfortable people", they cut me out of their lives completely. Not my husband or children. Just me. And now one of them has died, and boy oh boy, there's no one there to manage everyone's feelings. During these days of high emotion and mourning, I'm completely out of the fray. It feels foreign, but I can't stress how glad I am to be on the outside, peering in. That family is finally looking at some truths they've refused to for many years.
Sucks to be them.
This resonated deeply. You put language to something so many women have been carrying quietly for decades.
What stood out most for me was the distinction between surface acting and deep acting — especially how deep acting can masquerade as compassion while subtly pulling us away from ourselves. That line about gaslighting ourselves to avoid conflict landed hard, because so many of us were taught that being “understanding” was a moral virtue, even when it required self-erasure.
I also appreciate the framing that stepping back from emotional labor isn’t unkind — it’s respectful. Respect for others as capable adults, and respect for ourselves as humans with finite energy. The question “What would happen if I stopped?” feels like such a powerful midlife inquiry.
Thank you for making the invisible visible, and for naming the wisdom that comes with choosing honesty over harmony.
“How your friends lean on you but scatter when you need support.” 😪
A-FREAKING-men 💃🎉
Emotional labor is one of the biggest hidden drains on women’s time, health, and financial confidence, yet it’s rarely counted as work until we stop doing it.
Thanks for this excellent piece. I've been uncomfortable with the 'concept creep' emotional labor has been experiencing. Some authors are a bit hasty in lumping all unpaid, Invisible labor into this idea. While I want work to be a broader concept and not tied to the market economy, I also want to fight for more nuance. And I want to pay homage to the original while also looking for a bridge between professional and personal contexts. This piece both offers the bridge and also the nuance I want.
Love this.
I was helping elderly father on computer yesterday, he was stressed and angry at the computer but to me it felt like he was angry at ME. I explained, he said it wasn't at me. But I know my elderly mother would NOT have blasted a radius of 10 meters with annoyance, she would have stayed ostensibly calm, because after running household emotions and 5 kids for decades she's a pro. Dad on the other hand has never learned to restrain his opinions, annoyance and irritation. He's being authentic on one hand but making everyone else do the work of restraint.
I'm in the position of seeing a long term imperfect relationship and feeling annoyed at having to be around them more, now they are needing more help. Every time I leave their house I have a little talk about patience to myself. But maybe it's a really good idea to not let him get away with this stuff, even though its late in the day!!
I love this reflection, thank you for sharing. My dad is elderly and angry, he's been an angry drinker all his life which is now reflected in his physical health. Emotional responsibility is a pattern we bring from childhood & it's hard as hell when it all surfaces again now - even 'after all the therapy and shadow work' it doesn't go, it shifts into something softer - so we have to be non negotiable in our self care and self love, the child who didn't receive. My current struggle is how much time & energy do I give, is he my responsibility, am a less compassionate by maintaining my distance (and inner peace). I am so grateful for threads and communities like this one xx