After living 10 years of a 30 year marriage like this, that feeling is suffocation becoming my “normal” state, there came a singular moment when I knew I needed to leave. Not because he was a bad person or even that I hated my life (I loved many parts of it) but because I realized he didn’t or couldn’t know who I was becoming. Unwilling or unable didn’t matter. I could no longer breathe with only parts of myself being seen, heard or understood (or at least trying). So, at 53 years old, I left my 30 year marriage, home in the suburbs, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and the life I’d built since I was 22. Easy? No. Most aligned decision I could make for my Soul’s expansion? Absolutely!
There are times when I’ve purposely taken the dog for a walk on the moors near us just so I can cry out loud at my loneliness, so no one can hear my pain or see me foetally curled up in the bracken and Heather just wishing he would see me. For me, after 28 years, it was too much and I did leave. He’s angry about me not going to counselling with him but I have suggested it before and it’s been ignored. I’m totally exhausted but am climbing up again. Thank you for your validation 🙏
Thanks for putting this into words. I've had 4 husbands (being a professional singer isn't particularly good for marriages), and I actually left the 3rd one because the "gap" started the same way: different bedtimes. He was a brilliant man and had plenty to talk about. I guess he just didn't want to talk about it with ME. And this marriage gradually evolved into verbal abuse...a weird thing to happen to "conversational silence." I never found out what was wrong. I finally just packed up my crystal and my silk carpet and left. While the Mayflower van was there, my husband ripped up my herb garden and tore down the roses I'd planted around the arbor. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was angry. I'll never know. Thank you for expressing this so clearly.
Putting it in writing will help many women in this “trap.” I’ve been in it for years now. Am completely aware & absolutely know what’s going on! What am I doing about it?? Well..we each “do” our own things, then we’ll come together & “do”.We are both fiercely independent. Yet 33 yrs married
Counseling helped to hasten our seperation leading to divorce. It was a pretty awful experience for me to go through with a person who refused to take responsibility for his actions. Counseling is not always the answer. It has its place and helps in some ways, but it is tossed around like it will fix anything. It won't. It takes the people in counseling to change themselves for the betterment of both in the relationship. Now that we are seperated, I get asked, “Do you have a counselor?”.
This articulates the profound, suffocating ache of an invisible marriage so perfectly, exposing the moment your nervous system finally refuses to accept a partner's physical presence as a substitute for actual connection ✨
I’m now sleeping in my own room
Waking to only see his back no longer reminds me of….
his discomfort, his rejection, his pouting, his displeasure etc
And I am no longer awakened by his snoring
And…
Sometimes this invisiblity gives me time to regroup and explore more of me.
Thank you, Ellen. You put into words my own experience. What I generally say is, "I feel lonely in my marriage."
After living 10 years of a 30 year marriage like this, that feeling is suffocation becoming my “normal” state, there came a singular moment when I knew I needed to leave. Not because he was a bad person or even that I hated my life (I loved many parts of it) but because I realized he didn’t or couldn’t know who I was becoming. Unwilling or unable didn’t matter. I could no longer breathe with only parts of myself being seen, heard or understood (or at least trying). So, at 53 years old, I left my 30 year marriage, home in the suburbs, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and the life I’d built since I was 22. Easy? No. Most aligned decision I could make for my Soul’s expansion? Absolutely!
There are times when I’ve purposely taken the dog for a walk on the moors near us just so I can cry out loud at my loneliness, so no one can hear my pain or see me foetally curled up in the bracken and Heather just wishing he would see me. For me, after 28 years, it was too much and I did leave. He’s angry about me not going to counselling with him but I have suggested it before and it’s been ignored. I’m totally exhausted but am climbing up again. Thank you for your validation 🙏
Thanks for putting this into words. I've had 4 husbands (being a professional singer isn't particularly good for marriages), and I actually left the 3rd one because the "gap" started the same way: different bedtimes. He was a brilliant man and had plenty to talk about. I guess he just didn't want to talk about it with ME. And this marriage gradually evolved into verbal abuse...a weird thing to happen to "conversational silence." I never found out what was wrong. I finally just packed up my crystal and my silk carpet and left. While the Mayflower van was there, my husband ripped up my herb garden and tore down the roses I'd planted around the arbor. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was angry. I'll never know. Thank you for expressing this so clearly.
I feel so completely seen. Thank you for being able to articulate what I have felt but haven’t been able to.
Putting it in writing will help many women in this “trap.” I’ve been in it for years now. Am completely aware & absolutely know what’s going on! What am I doing about it?? Well..we each “do” our own things, then we’ll come together & “do”.We are both fiercely independent. Yet 33 yrs married
& doing great!!
You spoke my truth.
The household, the children, the job that keeps the house running - take precedence over fine feelings.
I feel like screaming. But I know the void is the only place that will register it.
It's when two people, if at all, "talk at" each other.
It's when every question is a different, paler bid; but the answer is the self-same
Yes, it's a form of rejection too.
Also for those of you who've read this far, please read my interpretation of rejection here: https://substack.com/@sargi/note/p-194942531?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=59s0q
I went through that same thing but I never even thought about it until your post here! Good to think about it. Thank you.
The loneliness while being coupled was, for me, the worst part of being married. Never again.
THANK YOU for the validation!
I still don't know what to do
(& don't anyone suggest counseling,
because my husband won't go).
But knowing someone understands,
helps.
Counseling helped to hasten our seperation leading to divorce. It was a pretty awful experience for me to go through with a person who refused to take responsibility for his actions. Counseling is not always the answer. It has its place and helps in some ways, but it is tossed around like it will fix anything. It won't. It takes the people in counseling to change themselves for the betterment of both in the relationship. Now that we are seperated, I get asked, “Do you have a counselor?”.
Thank you. Been there. What you describe is very acurate 🫶
This articulates the profound, suffocating ache of an invisible marriage so perfectly, exposing the moment your nervous system finally refuses to accept a partner's physical presence as a substitute for actual connection ✨