This landed so close to home. The way you name that quiet, confusing loneliness — where nothing looks “wrong” from the outside, but your nervous system knows — is such a profound service to the women living it. We support the partners and caregivers who love someone through incarceration, and while the circumstances are different, the body-level ache of feeling unseen or emotionally alone is painfully similar. Thank you for giving such clear language to an experience so many have been taught to doubt in themselves.
...and it eventually gets exhausting. I chose to move on from it. I didn't know if I would ever find a mutual connecting romantic partnership again, but it was better than what was. And then after jumping off that scary cliff, I did find a gentle giving soul to share life with for a while now.
The hardest part for me was living in that loveless marriage which prevented me from being emotionally and psychologically free to expand and discover who I really am. All that energy wasted on someone checked out. Once I decided to stop carrying the emotional weight for both of us, the relationship quickly disintegrated. Married 35 years. Just turned 70 and I’ve been divorced for 9.
It’s never too late. You’re never too old.
I’m happier than I’ve been for decades. Happy AND single.
Wow. So validating. Thank you. I feel seen by YOU! I’ve started individual therapy, and so has he. We both hope his narcissism will improve, as my self-esteem continues to do so. I will no longer allow my voice and confidence to be squandered. I’m 44 and have been in this relationship for 23 years. My Ego just acknowledged what my nervous system in near rigor mortis has been screaming for my brain to acknowledge. Now in the stage of relief and grief, or perhaps despair. But holding onto my optimistic realism for us, for my kids, and for me. xx
I used to think marriage meant never having to eat dinner alone.
Nobody mentioned you could sit three feet from another human being for years and still feel like you were broadcasting distress signals into deep space.
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Do you still love me?”
Windows shutdown noise.
For years I thought I was asking for too much. Connection. Conversation. Emotional intimacy. Apparently I was requesting the deluxe package when the subscription only included shared utilities and discussions about what to buy at Costco.
The wild part is that loneliness doesn't always happen when someone leaves.
Sometimes it happens while they're still sitting right there on the couch.
The moment you stop blaming yourself for feeling lonely is the moment you start finding your way home to yourself.
I have never been as lonely as I was in my marriage 😔 This exact thing happened, we didn't even have kids to talk about. He'd come home from work and play video games online with his online mates who he interacted with way more than me. If come home from work, observe him in his spot and watch what I wanted in another room. The silence was deafening. I didn't even realise how unhappy I was. I thought it was normal, after several years, for things to go this way. I kept suggesting counselling, he refused. I went anyway. A bit pointless, but that's what happened. Eventually he met someone else and told me he didn't want to live with me any longer. He read out from his book of lies why he didn't. He even said "it's not because I've found another woman". Yes, it fucking was! Lying cowardly bastard. He could have told me the truth, but he chose to lie instead. I refer to him as Twatface now, because he doesn't deserve a name. I'm now living the life of my dreams, on my own, with my cat, living in my yurt, looking at the ocean. I thank him for setting me free from his controlling nightmare. Maybe I'll write that story one day.
There’s a particular kind of loneliness inside a marriage that doesn’t come from distance — it comes from being unseen while standing right beside someone. You named that architecture with precision.
I’ve written about this dynamic too, through the lens of relational asymmetry — the quiet imbalance between what one partner carries and what the other never notices.
Leaving it here in case it adds a frame to what you’re describing.
Great Article! This was unfortunately my reality, for too long, at one point. I hope others reading it too know that they deserve active communication, intimacy and connection. Expecting it and holding their partner accountable because you want investment in your daily life does not label you as someone whio is needy or out of touch with reality. Its you showing up for yourself, showing up for your family. Being a role model for your children, learning about relationships from their parents.
we sleep separately now, too. It's a friendlier arrangement than many described here, but yes: it's easier than lying along in a cold bed wishing he'd come lay down with me and just be there, instead of with the TV.
After living 10 years of a 30 year marriage like this, that feeling is suffocation becoming my “normal” state, there came a singular moment when I knew I needed to leave. Not because he was a bad person or even that I hated my life (I loved many parts of it) but because I realized he didn’t or couldn’t know who I was becoming. Unwilling or unable didn’t matter. I could no longer breathe with only parts of myself being seen, heard or understood (or at least trying). So, at 53 years old, I left my 30 year marriage, home in the suburbs, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and the life I’d built since I was 22. Easy? No. Most aligned decision I could make for my Soul’s expansion? Absolutely!
There are times when I’ve purposely taken the dog for a walk on the moors near us just so I can cry out loud at my loneliness, so no one can hear my pain or see me foetally curled up in the bracken and Heather just wishing he would see me. For me, after 28 years, it was too much and I did leave. He’s angry about me not going to counselling with him but I have suggested it before and it’s been ignored. I’m totally exhausted but am climbing up again. Thank you for your validation 🙏
Thanks for putting this into words. I've had 4 husbands (being a professional singer isn't particularly good for marriages), and I actually left the 3rd one because the "gap" started the same way: different bedtimes. He was a brilliant man and had plenty to talk about. I guess he just didn't want to talk about it with ME. And this marriage gradually evolved into verbal abuse...a weird thing to happen to "conversational silence." I never found out what was wrong. I finally just packed up my crystal and my silk carpet and left. While the Mayflower van was there, my husband ripped up my herb garden and tore down the roses I'd planted around the arbor. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was angry. I'll never know. Thank you for expressing this so clearly.
This one was hard to read.
I spent a lot of years thinking I had more time than I actually did.
I thought if I could just get myself straightened out, everything else would eventually fall into place.
What I didn’t realize was how much damage my own struggles were creating while I was busy trying to survive them.
By the time I finally understood it, it was too late.
That’s a tough lesson to learn when the time finally comes to pay up.
Thanks for the read.
This landed so close to home. The way you name that quiet, confusing loneliness — where nothing looks “wrong” from the outside, but your nervous system knows — is such a profound service to the women living it. We support the partners and caregivers who love someone through incarceration, and while the circumstances are different, the body-level ache of feeling unseen or emotionally alone is painfully similar. Thank you for giving such clear language to an experience so many have been taught to doubt in themselves.
...and it eventually gets exhausting. I chose to move on from it. I didn't know if I would ever find a mutual connecting romantic partnership again, but it was better than what was. And then after jumping off that scary cliff, I did find a gentle giving soul to share life with for a while now.
The hardest part for me was living in that loveless marriage which prevented me from being emotionally and psychologically free to expand and discover who I really am. All that energy wasted on someone checked out. Once I decided to stop carrying the emotional weight for both of us, the relationship quickly disintegrated. Married 35 years. Just turned 70 and I’ve been divorced for 9.
It’s never too late. You’re never too old.
I’m happier than I’ve been for decades. Happy AND single.
Wow. So validating. Thank you. I feel seen by YOU! I’ve started individual therapy, and so has he. We both hope his narcissism will improve, as my self-esteem continues to do so. I will no longer allow my voice and confidence to be squandered. I’m 44 and have been in this relationship for 23 years. My Ego just acknowledged what my nervous system in near rigor mortis has been screaming for my brain to acknowledge. Now in the stage of relief and grief, or perhaps despair. But holding onto my optimistic realism for us, for my kids, and for me. xx
I used to think marriage meant never having to eat dinner alone.
Nobody mentioned you could sit three feet from another human being for years and still feel like you were broadcasting distress signals into deep space.
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Do you still love me?”
Windows shutdown noise.
For years I thought I was asking for too much. Connection. Conversation. Emotional intimacy. Apparently I was requesting the deluxe package when the subscription only included shared utilities and discussions about what to buy at Costco.
The wild part is that loneliness doesn't always happen when someone leaves.
Sometimes it happens while they're still sitting right there on the couch.
The moment you stop blaming yourself for feeling lonely is the moment you start finding your way home to yourself.
That realization changed everything for me.
Beautiful piece, Ellen.
I’ve been in that place before too, where you slowly start feeling more like strangers than partners and the distance almost becomes a relief.
It’s sad, but also strangely clarifying.
I have never been as lonely as I was in my marriage 😔 This exact thing happened, we didn't even have kids to talk about. He'd come home from work and play video games online with his online mates who he interacted with way more than me. If come home from work, observe him in his spot and watch what I wanted in another room. The silence was deafening. I didn't even realise how unhappy I was. I thought it was normal, after several years, for things to go this way. I kept suggesting counselling, he refused. I went anyway. A bit pointless, but that's what happened. Eventually he met someone else and told me he didn't want to live with me any longer. He read out from his book of lies why he didn't. He even said "it's not because I've found another woman". Yes, it fucking was! Lying cowardly bastard. He could have told me the truth, but he chose to lie instead. I refer to him as Twatface now, because he doesn't deserve a name. I'm now living the life of my dreams, on my own, with my cat, living in my yurt, looking at the ocean. I thank him for setting me free from his controlling nightmare. Maybe I'll write that story one day.
There’s a particular kind of loneliness inside a marriage that doesn’t come from distance — it comes from being unseen while standing right beside someone. You named that architecture with precision.
I’ve written about this dynamic too, through the lens of relational asymmetry — the quiet imbalance between what one partner carries and what the other never notices.
Leaving it here in case it adds a frame to what you’re describing.
https://rehmiee.substack.com/p/the-asymmetry-that-shapes-the-relationship?r=10r733
Great Article! This was unfortunately my reality, for too long, at one point. I hope others reading it too know that they deserve active communication, intimacy and connection. Expecting it and holding their partner accountable because you want investment in your daily life does not label you as someone whio is needy or out of touch with reality. Its you showing up for yourself, showing up for your family. Being a role model for your children, learning about relationships from their parents.
I’m now sleeping in my own room
Waking to only see his back no longer reminds me of….
his discomfort, his rejection, his pouting, his displeasure etc
And I am no longer awakened by his snoring
And…
Sometimes this invisiblity gives me time to regroup and explore more of me.
we sleep separately now, too. It's a friendlier arrangement than many described here, but yes: it's easier than lying along in a cold bed wishing he'd come lay down with me and just be there, instead of with the TV.
Thank you, Ellen. You put into words my own experience. What I generally say is, "I feel lonely in my marriage."
After living 10 years of a 30 year marriage like this, that feeling is suffocation becoming my “normal” state, there came a singular moment when I knew I needed to leave. Not because he was a bad person or even that I hated my life (I loved many parts of it) but because I realized he didn’t or couldn’t know who I was becoming. Unwilling or unable didn’t matter. I could no longer breathe with only parts of myself being seen, heard or understood (or at least trying). So, at 53 years old, I left my 30 year marriage, home in the suburbs, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and the life I’d built since I was 22. Easy? No. Most aligned decision I could make for my Soul’s expansion? Absolutely!
It takes courage. After leaving a 42 year marriage, I'm happier, too. Thank you for sharing.
Witnessing your courage Marie. 🙏🏻❤️
There are times when I’ve purposely taken the dog for a walk on the moors near us just so I can cry out loud at my loneliness, so no one can hear my pain or see me foetally curled up in the bracken and Heather just wishing he would see me. For me, after 28 years, it was too much and I did leave. He’s angry about me not going to counselling with him but I have suggested it before and it’s been ignored. I’m totally exhausted but am climbing up again. Thank you for your validation 🙏
Thanks for putting this into words. I've had 4 husbands (being a professional singer isn't particularly good for marriages), and I actually left the 3rd one because the "gap" started the same way: different bedtimes. He was a brilliant man and had plenty to talk about. I guess he just didn't want to talk about it with ME. And this marriage gradually evolved into verbal abuse...a weird thing to happen to "conversational silence." I never found out what was wrong. I finally just packed up my crystal and my silk carpet and left. While the Mayflower van was there, my husband ripped up my herb garden and tore down the roses I'd planted around the arbor. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was angry. I'll never know. Thank you for expressing this so clearly.
I feel so completely seen. Thank you for being able to articulate what I have felt but haven’t been able to.