This was also true for me. I just couldn't do it anymore. Am I happier? Some days I truly am. Mainly though, I'm more authentic, more congruent, and more aligned inside.
Menopause did the same for me in combo with life experience. My marriage had to be reconstituted to accommodate that or end. We both changed and have a different marriage today. This is such an important piece of the great unmasking (great name) —and you’re right - rarely talked about. There’s a lot of denial around it and women spend a lot of time trying to stuff themselves back in the same old skin – but it doesn’t work so they can become very shut down or they can come alive one of the two. I plan to share another slant on marriage in a reading this month at the Wham Bam Slam themed Love Boat.
This is the big reveal you almost never hear about. It’s like returning to that child self, that pre-pubescent girl who didn’t center males. But with the wisdom of lived experience. The freedom of being post-menopausal is fantastic. I actually feel compassion for the estrogen filled Sisters who are unaware of how much of a veil they are living under. This is just my personal experience- other women’s experiences will vary, of course.
As someone that has gone through all of this, I just wanted to share that I thought it was my relationship with my husband that made me miserable. We separated for a while. I dated. It turned out, for me personally, it was me that wasn’t happy. I finally took a good look at my inner self and saw so many things that needed changing. All the years of programming I had to learn to rewire. At 58, I’m still learning. I am back with my husband of 27 years. He’s a good man, and a great father to our children. He was and is my best friend. We are still working on spicing things up in the bedroom but we’re starting small with holding hands. I realized that even if things don’t get better in the bedroom, I’d like to live out my life with my best friend.
To be clear, it isn't just your spousal relationship you may question/no longer put up with it's bs - it is also your work relationship, (not the people, but the relationship of you and whatever you do)which you may have had for as long as your marriage. And you may feel just as stifled in that one.
I was in an abusive marriage in my 20s and somehow freed myself from that situation. I saw it as my chance to live the life I want, so asking and answering the question “what do I want?” is a regular practice for me. I can’t imagine turning up the volume on that question, but I also can’t wait to see where it takes me!
Yes! The clarity that comes is awesome 😎 💯 I am free to be myself, I always was, but always had to fight for that. Now I don't have to fight for my freedom 😁👌 It's about not accepting bullshit anymore. I literally don't have time for your shit! 🤣 Enhance my life or don't be in it. 👌💖💯😍
So true and insightful. I think what often happens for many midlife women who experience this marital dissonance is they are prescribed anti-depressants. This enables us to invalidate our gut feelings and calm our emotional response to a situation that is not serving us.
Three different doctors have tried this approach with me.
My perimenopause showed up almost 7 years ago (with still no end in sight). I refused antidepressants each time. Even if I *had* felt like my diagnosis was depression, I certainly had a reason to be… My marriage was dissolving.
My kids were launching.
My parents were dying… Extreme hair loss, extreme anxiety, all exacerbated by years of insomnia. I have not had good consistent sleep in nearly 6 years.
Everybody handles this differently and it is a privilege to be here, but sometimes the pain needs to get so great that you have no choice to feel it, process it, and walk through it.
Rather than relying solely on numbing it out or medicating it away. Don’t get me wrong. I know antidepressants are very helpful. But as I write this, I’m realizing that antidepressants back when this began wouldn’t have been for managing me and my feelings. They were for making me more palatable to my husband out of fear that he’d leave if I no longer acted like “myself”.
But the great thing is I’m not afraid of anything anymore, even never sleeping again lol Wherever this journey leads, I know I’ll survive it.🩷
I only recently came to these realizations, even though I went through menopause 20 years ago! Everything you said feels like you were reading my mind. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in these feelings/realizations.
The hormonal shifts didn't create the distance, they just removed the anesthesia that made it bearable. This mirrors what I've seen in so many systems. When the buffering agent disappears, we finally see the underlying architecture. What surprised you most about who you became when the pretense dissolved?
After 25 years of marriage, I found out my wasband had been cheating on me for 10 years! That's how compartmentalized and disconnected we had become, but I had no clue. It was at first devestating, but gradually I came to see the vision of freedom ahead. After a few years of trying to "work on our marriage", I didnt want to anymore. I don't even think I recognized going through menopause lol. I am living my life.
Mine was not cheating but drinking and hiding the bottles in his car/garage and who knows where else for 10 years. When I found out - it was so heavy I can not explain the brick that fell on me. He didn't think it was that big of a deal. I will never look at him the same. To hide something for 10 years is not a mistake - it was a decision. It is a whole other person than the one I thought I knew.
This was also true for me. I just couldn't do it anymore. Am I happier? Some days I truly am. Mainly though, I'm more authentic, more congruent, and more aligned inside.
Menopause did the same for me in combo with life experience. My marriage had to be reconstituted to accommodate that or end. We both changed and have a different marriage today. This is such an important piece of the great unmasking (great name) —and you’re right - rarely talked about. There’s a lot of denial around it and women spend a lot of time trying to stuff themselves back in the same old skin – but it doesn’t work so they can become very shut down or they can come alive one of the two. I plan to share another slant on marriage in a reading this month at the Wham Bam Slam themed Love Boat.
Agree! 100%
This is the big reveal you almost never hear about. It’s like returning to that child self, that pre-pubescent girl who didn’t center males. But with the wisdom of lived experience. The freedom of being post-menopausal is fantastic. I actually feel compassion for the estrogen filled Sisters who are unaware of how much of a veil they are living under. This is just my personal experience- other women’s experiences will vary, of course.
As someone that has gone through all of this, I just wanted to share that I thought it was my relationship with my husband that made me miserable. We separated for a while. I dated. It turned out, for me personally, it was me that wasn’t happy. I finally took a good look at my inner self and saw so many things that needed changing. All the years of programming I had to learn to rewire. At 58, I’m still learning. I am back with my husband of 27 years. He’s a good man, and a great father to our children. He was and is my best friend. We are still working on spicing things up in the bedroom but we’re starting small with holding hands. I realized that even if things don’t get better in the bedroom, I’d like to live out my life with my best friend.
To be clear, it isn't just your spousal relationship you may question/no longer put up with it's bs - it is also your work relationship, (not the people, but the relationship of you and whatever you do)which you may have had for as long as your marriage. And you may feel just as stifled in that one.
So resonant!
I was in an abusive marriage in my 20s and somehow freed myself from that situation. I saw it as my chance to live the life I want, so asking and answering the question “what do I want?” is a regular practice for me. I can’t imagine turning up the volume on that question, but I also can’t wait to see where it takes me!
Thanks for this timely topic Ellen!
I'm currently at my own 18 year ending.
Literally packing bags into a caravan.
Frankly terrified, with nothing to my name yet, and wondering what's next.
It is not that midlife has made me aware of things I did not already know about our relationship already on some level.
Nothing evil: just underlying differences of values, communication styles and needs that built unspoken residue.
But the refusal to continue listening to stories like those you mention without playing that rote game you mention?
It incited a seemingly uncharacteristic rage that was a one and done moment for me.
A decisive moment of before and after: that is still guiding actions and new pathways, but that cannot be undone.
The anger quickly became a pattern after we agreed on seperation on our shared rural block.
I hope this helps anyone currently navigating similar in yr community feel less alone.
Man I felt this to my core!
Yes! The clarity that comes is awesome 😎 💯 I am free to be myself, I always was, but always had to fight for that. Now I don't have to fight for my freedom 😁👌 It's about not accepting bullshit anymore. I literally don't have time for your shit! 🤣 Enhance my life or don't be in it. 👌💖💯😍
Man - this hit me hard! I’m married, but I definitely do not confirm and give in like I once did. It’s liberating!
So true and insightful. I think what often happens for many midlife women who experience this marital dissonance is they are prescribed anti-depressants. This enables us to invalidate our gut feelings and calm our emotional response to a situation that is not serving us.
Three different doctors have tried this approach with me.
My perimenopause showed up almost 7 years ago (with still no end in sight). I refused antidepressants each time. Even if I *had* felt like my diagnosis was depression, I certainly had a reason to be… My marriage was dissolving.
My kids were launching.
My parents were dying… Extreme hair loss, extreme anxiety, all exacerbated by years of insomnia. I have not had good consistent sleep in nearly 6 years.
Everybody handles this differently and it is a privilege to be here, but sometimes the pain needs to get so great that you have no choice to feel it, process it, and walk through it.
Rather than relying solely on numbing it out or medicating it away. Don’t get me wrong. I know antidepressants are very helpful. But as I write this, I’m realizing that antidepressants back when this began wouldn’t have been for managing me and my feelings. They were for making me more palatable to my husband out of fear that he’d leave if I no longer acted like “myself”.
But the great thing is I’m not afraid of anything anymore, even never sleeping again lol Wherever this journey leads, I know I’ll survive it.🩷
I only recently came to these realizations, even though I went through menopause 20 years ago! Everything you said feels like you were reading my mind. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in these feelings/realizations.
The hormonal shifts didn't create the distance, they just removed the anesthesia that made it bearable. This mirrors what I've seen in so many systems. When the buffering agent disappears, we finally see the underlying architecture. What surprised you most about who you became when the pretense dissolved?
After 25 years of marriage, I found out my wasband had been cheating on me for 10 years! That's how compartmentalized and disconnected we had become, but I had no clue. It was at first devestating, but gradually I came to see the vision of freedom ahead. After a few years of trying to "work on our marriage", I didnt want to anymore. I don't even think I recognized going through menopause lol. I am living my life.
Mine was not cheating but drinking and hiding the bottles in his car/garage and who knows where else for 10 years. When I found out - it was so heavy I can not explain the brick that fell on me. He didn't think it was that big of a deal. I will never look at him the same. To hide something for 10 years is not a mistake - it was a decision. It is a whole other person than the one I thought I knew.