My Divorce Wasn’t the Breakup That Hurt Most
A personal story about evaluating relationships during major life transitions.
I wasn’t just losing a husband. I was losing friendships I thought were family.
I used to think people were either good friends or not. Divorce taught me it’s more complicated than that.
At the start
There’s grief in friendship breakups that no one prepares you for because you’re not “supposed” to talk about them.
In the first 6 months of my marriage ending, I started to see patterns in my friendships that I had been subconsciously ignoring.
These were the friends who, when I spoke of my problems, seemed to immediately change the topic of discussion. Who actually appeared to care more about the life saga than my actual welfare. Who claimed to be giving advice that was not solicited, and then became upset when I didn’t follow it.
And there were the close family members who just vanished or said they didn’t want to “pick sides.”
“Well, maybe if you tried harder to make it work, you wouldn’t be in this mess,” a close friend said. The words hit like ice water. And my mother-in-law (who I never really liked anyway), said in front my of kids, “You deserved it.”
The wake-up call I didn't plan on
When your world splits open, people show you who they really are. And who you are to them.
Some friends vanished the moment things got messy.
Some stuck around but kept their distance.
Others wanted gossip.
One night, feeling depressed, I opened my journal and created something.
I call it: The Friendship Audit.
The audit changed everything
It was simple. I listed every person I considered a friend and answered three questions:
After spending time with them, do I feel lighter or heavier?
Do I feel safe being honest, or do I perform a curated version of myself?
When I share something vulnerable, do they meet me with presence or judgement?
The results made my stomach turn.
I had built a circle of friends, not deep connections.
And the divorce forced me to see this.
The groups I let go of
1. The Energy Vampires
These were the friends who never quite heard me—because they were too busy solving, fixing, or outdoing my pain with their own. Every conversation left me more tired than before it started.
I realized I had trained myself to be their emotional support human, always listening, always empathizing but rarely receiving the same.
2. The Fair-Weather Crowd
Some people only know how to love you when you’re winning. My calendar was full when I was married, successful, and smiling.
When my marriage fell apart?
Their silence was the loudest.
3. The Judgment Crew
This hurt the most.
These were the people whose values I thought aligned with mine. But my divorce threatened their own. It made them scared.
To justify staying in their own uncomfortable marriages or lives, they needed me to be wrong. So they disguised fear as “advice.” Called it tough love.
And that love didn’t feel like love at all.
There were people who saved me
This started to seriously affect me and my belief in friendships, but the audit also uncovered my true support system.
Every Sunday, Darlene would send me a message to see how I was holding up. Not, “How are the legal proceedings coming along?” Not, “Do you need any advice?” Just, “Thinking of you today. How's your heart?”
And, there was my new grad school friend, Susan, who would listen to me vent for hours and help me untangle years of accumulated emotional pain from an unhappy marriage.
These people did not judge me. They did not come to “fix” my life. They came with a heart full of love and support.
The depression I was feeling, started to lift as I spent the little time I had with true friends. I started nurturing the relationships that actually fed me. More quality time, more willingness to be vulnerable, more supportive care.
I also created room for new friendships. This was the part that surprised me the most. Eliminating unhealthy relationships had a surprising benefit: I suddenly had the time and emotional energy for new people.
The truth I wish I’d learned sooner
I used to believe losing friends was a failure. Now I know it’s not.
Some people are meant to walk with you for a chapter. Others show up for the whole damn novel.
And sometimes, what feels like rejection is really just redirection toward more honest, nourishing, beautiful relationships.
The ones where you don’t have to earn being loved. You just are.
The friendship audit taught me something I wish I had learned a long time ago: you teach people how to treat you by what you accept.
Following the divorce, I came to terms with the reality of what I wanted from my relationships. When I started expecting, and asking for true support, I was shocked how many people were willing and able to offer it.
The lesson in the end
Divorce taught me that life is too short and too precious to spend it with people who can't celebrate your growth or support your healing. The “friendship audit” wasn't about becoming picky or exclusive. It was about becoming intentional. About recognizing that my emotional energy is finite and valuable, and I get to choose how to invest it.
Knowing if it’s a kind thing to do can be difficult. In this case, the answer for me was to remove myself from all the relationships that that didn’t add more value in my life.
Closing the loop
My divorce wasn’t the breakup that hurt the most.
Losing the friendships I thought would last forever?
That’s what broke me open.
Many years post-divorce, I have a smaller but richer circle of friends. People who've seen me at my messiest and loved me anyway. People who cheer my wins and hold space for my challenges.
And you know what?
I wouldn't trade these authentic, supportive friendships for all the surface-level friendships in the world.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to get clear about what kind of relationships you actually want in your life.
Your deserve it.
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What's your experience been with friendships during major life transitions? Have you ever had to reevaluate your support system?
So many good thoughts and ideas in this post. A divorce does help you clarify what and who is important in your life. Letting go of old friendships can feel devastating but also open one up to new friends who may be more suited to this time of life. I'm incredibly grateful for not only my new friends, but also, those friends from my former life who are still supporting me today.