“The fear is measuring the unknown, not the danger.” I really like this. Just because something is new, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And it’s interesting how you wrote about how the fear can feel more intense the older you are, simply because of our longer life experience. But again, unfamiliar territory doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong place.
Terror is not evidence that we are making the wrong choice. Sometimes it is simply what happens when the life we know stops being large enough for the person we are becoming.
I am starting over at 41, and I have discovered that midlife fear is not the same as youthful fear.
At 21, fear is largely theoretical.
At 41, fear has exhibits.
It has names, dates, medical records, tax documents, and several former relationships prepared to testify under oath.
That is what makes beginning again so complicated. We are not stepping into the unknown empty-handed. We are carrying evidence. Evidence that love can fail. Evidence that health can collapse. Evidence that the future can arrive looking nothing like the brochure.
My own life did not present reinvention as an inspiring lifestyle option. It staged an intervention.
My marriage ended. My mental health collapsed. I survived moments I was not sure I would survive. Then grief arrived, because apparently the universe had hired a prestige television writer who believed the season needed higher stakes.
So when you write that of course we are terrified, I do not hear weakness in that terror. I hear memory.
Fear is the past attempting to secure a management position in the future.
It says, “I have seen what happens.”
And it has.
The problem is that fear rarely adds, “But I have never seen what happens next.”
For a long time, I thought starting over meant rebuilding what I had lost. I wanted the old structure back, perhaps with stronger boundaries, better lighting, and fewer people who treated emotional damage as an eccentric personality trait.
But survival does not return us to our previous life.
It makes that life too small.
That may be the deeper terror of beginning again. It is not only that we might fail. It is that we might become someone who can no longer fit inside the identity that once kept us safe.
At 41, I have written a memoir, built a new home, found readers and community through my work, and accepted that my German Shepherd remains the most emotionally regulated member of my household.
This was not the plan.
The original plan, in retrospect, appears to have been prepared by consultants who billed hourly, ignored all known risks, and have since become impossible to reach.
But perhaps that is what starting over really asks of us.
Not whether we can erase the past.
Not whether we can become innocent again.
But whether we can move forward without requiring the future to guarantee that it will never hurt us.
That guarantee does not exist. Humanity checked. We formed committees.
Maybe courage in midlife is not optimism.
Maybe it is consent to uncertainty.
It is saying: I know life can break. I know people can leave. I know the floor can disappear.
And I also know that I have lived through floors disappearing before.
So yes, of course I am terrified.
Fear may come with me.
But it no longer gets the map, the keys, or final approval.
The title of this piece is my absolute truth. Every morning & wretchedly in the middle of every night I awake in fear, as I jumped into the unknown 4 days ago. I hadn’t expected to take the leap on that day. I was still working on an escape plan I hoped to enact a few months down the road when I had more cash. It wasn’t to be, as he again was deeming me powerless, but something inside me said you will not take the thing I need most in my life—peace, calm. I am blessed to have a friend who has opened her home to me until the end of the month. I will receive my first social security check next week & begin moving forward in this chapter of my life. I’m scared. Very scared, but appreciate—because of this article—I can ask myself about my fear—real or is it because it’s new. Thank you for writing this Ellen
Ellen, great article. I wrote this note once which will explain why the more unknowns we face, the less fear we have. I hope its okay to post it here. It's short. Blue💙
It’s so true about the fear. 53 years old, at a big life transition: kids off to college, left my career in architecture, husband shifting his career after several years of schooling… and I was blindsided by the realization that our marriage was essentially over and needed to end asap.
The fear and unraveling came later, long after my resolve carried me thru leaving our home, going back to work, and getting papers signed nine months later. Then COVID and a daughter’s rare autoimmune disease settled in, estrangement from my high-schooler son, and menopause to top it off!
I am (as are both my children) in a much better place, 7 years later. This place took it’s toll and a tremendous amount of self work and investment.
Very grateful for emotional (and temporary financial) support from family along the way.
For me, the hardest part of that delayed fear was mourning the future I thought was a given, moving into empty nesters after 20+ years of building a life and marriage together. The large happy family gatherings I grew up with will never be, and I’m learning to be okay with that and count my blessings for the relationships I do have with my now adult kids and the new relationship I have with myself.
This is such an excellent piece! I love this line: "To your amygdala, signing the divorce papers and meeting a bear are the same emergency." I never thought of that but it makes sense. As a neurodivergent person, I both HATE change and also cannot live in situations where I feel unfulfilled.
I'm also reflecting on what you said about change getting harder as you age. I hadn't thought much about that either, but you're right - and for the reasons you stated. I changed jobs less than a month ago and this was the first time in doing so (my last move was 8 years ago) that I didn't just assume things would be better at the next place. I had so much more lived experience about workplace BS at almost 50 than I did in my 30s and early 40s. But the positive flip-side was that it made me VERY choosy and extra sensitive to red flags. So in the end, when I did choose where to go, I had no doubt it would meet my needs.
Yes, ok. But how about the depths of humanind exploration. I mean SOME writers go there you know. Starting over isn't even taken as the same notion to everyone, yes?
What a thought provoking perspective. Inherent is perhaps that moving forward with a change resolves fear more than any analysis and assessment of the implications of the change can. Fear and anxiety live in the gap between needing/ deciding on a change and acting on it.
Covid was my catalyst. I'd been to counseling at several intervals in my life and the result was I needed to leave my marriage. At 61 in the midst of Covid on my birthday I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband I no longer wanted to be married. I knew it was now or never. I broke the news to my 2 adult children who did not receive the news well. I told them I was moving across the country on a journey of self discovery.
I landed in a town and knew no one. I struggled finding an apartment but met a realtor who helped me find a place and we've been friends ever since.
I was married for 36 years and retired. I've had lots of lessons and blessings in the past 5 years. My children won't speak to me and I have a new grandson I will never meet. But I've learned a lot about myself and I wouldn't do anything different. Growth is painful but also rewarding, one of those combo lesson/blessing things. I'm facing a medical challenge this coming Tuesday. I have faith in my Creator and I know I won't walk this journey alone.
If anyone out there reads this and feels stuck...know this, if I can do it, you can do it. You'll be surprised of what you are capable of accomplishing.❤️
🙏🏻 praying for successful outcome for your medical procedure.
Kudos to you for following your own path! I wonder why adult children don’t get that at some point we have to follow our own dreams… sometimes delayed dreams since we put them first.. onto our growth and pathways to something more. I’m sorry they put that boundary between you and your grandchild.
All the best to you on your journey. Happiness and peace in the days ahead! Namaste
I don’t know if I’m an exception or that perhaps this is over generalized. At 70 I told my husband I wanted a divorce; two months later, when I was 71 he fell down a flight of stairs and I became a part-time caregiver, visiting him in the last residence he had, a nursing home for the next two years while he died a little bit every day. At the same time I had to rev up my own business to compensate for the loss of his income and ensure my life continued to be good, growth focused, and forward oriented. Now I’m 73. I live alone. I’ve been dating for 2 1/2 years, every man being considerably younger than myself. I’m about to publish a book on personal transformation and completely change the direction of my business. I’m fortunate to have good friends who support me and love me. I was lucky to be brought up by a single mother who taught me how to rely on myself before anyone else. But the greatest asset I have is my brain, my self-confidence, and my desire to always improve the quality of my life. I’d love to hear from other women because I know we can’t all be afraid of a future alone since so many of us have exactly that.
Andrea, Thank you for your detailed response to my questions. That was so tragic about your father and ex. You definitely had to be very strong along the way. You were a devoted ex-wife in his time of need. I’m 68 and trying to imagine ramping up a business now like you are doing. We had several in the past and worked and played hard, but it was a lot. We retired a few years ago, but feel way super busy still. I cared for my sick parents an hour away for 12 1/2 years. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything other than that under the circumstances, but it was mind blowing and exhausting—threw a monkey wrench in my brain and our plans—what do we know—we had just got married and were going to go to Hawaii for a free month and sail the great circle in our new boat. Plus, I immediately had sudden and intense menopausal hot flashes and severe brain fog and anxiety for 5 plus years while trying to navigate everything. God was in though—I saw it later— and much love was experienced, tested and dragged through the mud and dross —emotions were set ablaze and healed through the turmoil. Turned my love life upside down too with the absence and physical changes no one told me about. Best wishes to you strong one. Hope I get to read your book when it comes out. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind remarks,Kat. You certainly endured and learned. It’s remarkable to me how many different ways we can each find a path through our own unique life, due to personal or environmental circumstances, so often unexpected.
Was there regret in leaving him after he fell and ended up in a nursing home— while you pursued a better life? I’m curious why you left and how you dealt with the guilt if any—and how you managed to stay positive and present in your new life, while caregiving and still have a good career over 70? Menopause didn’t steal your brain and love life? What’s the title of your book?
My book is called “sex, sensuality, and the senior woman”. I expect it to be published in August. That is also the name of my account here. To answer your question no, there was no regret. There was tremendous sadness watching him deteriorate. He was not a bad man by any means; we were simply poorly matched. And despite divorcing him, I was a devoted ex-wife visiting him, multiple times a week, providing whatever I could to support him emotionally. My first obligation was to myself, to ensure that my life meant something, contributed something, and gained as well. My ex-husband received the care provided by a well regarded nursing home after not responding well to surgery and not recuperating. I provided emotional support for him and had to provide financial sustenance for myself. But financial sustenance is not enough to live well. It takes personal strength and perseverance. And I have that in spades. Regarding menopause: it did nothing to me except end the need for tampons. I never experienced night sweats, moodiness, and the other typical physical impacts it delivers. I have been blessed biologically and even more so by growing up with a single mother in the 50s after her husband, my father, developed polio and spent the rest of his life in an iron lung in a hospital. it was certainly not an experience I wanted to emulate, but I knew I had to and I’m proud of the life I have been able to build since.
Thank you for sharing your story. Life is funny sometimes. When you give up and try to walk away, sometimes you are pulled back into the situation for completion. I had a similar situation with my mom.
Thank you for sharing this. Reading a post like this really reinforces my faith and the laws of attraction. I really needed to read this today - At 47, I’ve just moved from London to Australia with my wife and our two-year-old, and the uncertainty and fear is very overwhelming. Your post has genuinely given me a boost and reminded me that taking a leap of faith is worth it.
This is so real and so validating for me. At 53 I’ve spent the last two years in that fear, as I’ve completely changed my life around, started writing a book, and planning a move to Malta from Vancouver. I’m constantly making these statements to myself and moving through fear and I know I’m doing the right thing because of it. Thanks for a great article.
“The fear is measuring the unknown, not the danger.” I really like this. Just because something is new, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And it’s interesting how you wrote about how the fear can feel more intense the older you are, simply because of our longer life experience. But again, unfamiliar territory doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong place.
Fear is a warning sign, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take a pause or two and consider your options.
Terror is not evidence that we are making the wrong choice. Sometimes it is simply what happens when the life we know stops being large enough for the person we are becoming.
I am starting over at 41, and I have discovered that midlife fear is not the same as youthful fear.
At 21, fear is largely theoretical.
At 41, fear has exhibits.
It has names, dates, medical records, tax documents, and several former relationships prepared to testify under oath.
That is what makes beginning again so complicated. We are not stepping into the unknown empty-handed. We are carrying evidence. Evidence that love can fail. Evidence that health can collapse. Evidence that the future can arrive looking nothing like the brochure.
My own life did not present reinvention as an inspiring lifestyle option. It staged an intervention.
My marriage ended. My mental health collapsed. I survived moments I was not sure I would survive. Then grief arrived, because apparently the universe had hired a prestige television writer who believed the season needed higher stakes.
So when you write that of course we are terrified, I do not hear weakness in that terror. I hear memory.
Fear is the past attempting to secure a management position in the future.
It says, “I have seen what happens.”
And it has.
The problem is that fear rarely adds, “But I have never seen what happens next.”
For a long time, I thought starting over meant rebuilding what I had lost. I wanted the old structure back, perhaps with stronger boundaries, better lighting, and fewer people who treated emotional damage as an eccentric personality trait.
But survival does not return us to our previous life.
It makes that life too small.
That may be the deeper terror of beginning again. It is not only that we might fail. It is that we might become someone who can no longer fit inside the identity that once kept us safe.
At 41, I have written a memoir, built a new home, found readers and community through my work, and accepted that my German Shepherd remains the most emotionally regulated member of my household.
This was not the plan.
The original plan, in retrospect, appears to have been prepared by consultants who billed hourly, ignored all known risks, and have since become impossible to reach.
But perhaps that is what starting over really asks of us.
Not whether we can erase the past.
Not whether we can become innocent again.
But whether we can move forward without requiring the future to guarantee that it will never hurt us.
That guarantee does not exist. Humanity checked. We formed committees.
Maybe courage in midlife is not optimism.
Maybe it is consent to uncertainty.
It is saying: I know life can break. I know people can leave. I know the floor can disappear.
And I also know that I have lived through floors disappearing before.
So yes, of course I am terrified.
Fear may come with me.
But it no longer gets the map, the keys, or final approval.
The title of this piece is my absolute truth. Every morning & wretchedly in the middle of every night I awake in fear, as I jumped into the unknown 4 days ago. I hadn’t expected to take the leap on that day. I was still working on an escape plan I hoped to enact a few months down the road when I had more cash. It wasn’t to be, as he again was deeming me powerless, but something inside me said you will not take the thing I need most in my life—peace, calm. I am blessed to have a friend who has opened her home to me until the end of the month. I will receive my first social security check next week & begin moving forward in this chapter of my life. I’m scared. Very scared, but appreciate—because of this article—I can ask myself about my fear—real or is it because it’s new. Thank you for writing this Ellen
Ellen, great article. I wrote this note once which will explain why the more unknowns we face, the less fear we have. I hope its okay to post it here. It's short. Blue💙
What No One Tells You About Starting Over
It does not get easier.
You just get less afraid of hard.
I have started over at 35, 50, 62, and 81.
Each time I thought it was too late.
Each time I was wrong.
It’s so true about the fear. 53 years old, at a big life transition: kids off to college, left my career in architecture, husband shifting his career after several years of schooling… and I was blindsided by the realization that our marriage was essentially over and needed to end asap.
The fear and unraveling came later, long after my resolve carried me thru leaving our home, going back to work, and getting papers signed nine months later. Then COVID and a daughter’s rare autoimmune disease settled in, estrangement from my high-schooler son, and menopause to top it off!
I am (as are both my children) in a much better place, 7 years later. This place took it’s toll and a tremendous amount of self work and investment.
Very grateful for emotional (and temporary financial) support from family along the way.
For me, the hardest part of that delayed fear was mourning the future I thought was a given, moving into empty nesters after 20+ years of building a life and marriage together. The large happy family gatherings I grew up with will never be, and I’m learning to be okay with that and count my blessings for the relationships I do have with my now adult kids and the new relationship I have with myself.
This is such an excellent piece! I love this line: "To your amygdala, signing the divorce papers and meeting a bear are the same emergency." I never thought of that but it makes sense. As a neurodivergent person, I both HATE change and also cannot live in situations where I feel unfulfilled.
I'm also reflecting on what you said about change getting harder as you age. I hadn't thought much about that either, but you're right - and for the reasons you stated. I changed jobs less than a month ago and this was the first time in doing so (my last move was 8 years ago) that I didn't just assume things would be better at the next place. I had so much more lived experience about workplace BS at almost 50 than I did in my 30s and early 40s. But the positive flip-side was that it made me VERY choosy and extra sensitive to red flags. So in the end, when I did choose where to go, I had no doubt it would meet my needs.
Yes, ok. But how about the depths of humanind exploration. I mean SOME writers go there you know. Starting over isn't even taken as the same notion to everyone, yes?
What a thought provoking perspective. Inherent is perhaps that moving forward with a change resolves fear more than any analysis and assessment of the implications of the change can. Fear and anxiety live in the gap between needing/ deciding on a change and acting on it.
Wow thanks! I really need to hear this today.
Covid was my catalyst. I'd been to counseling at several intervals in my life and the result was I needed to leave my marriage. At 61 in the midst of Covid on my birthday I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband I no longer wanted to be married. I knew it was now or never. I broke the news to my 2 adult children who did not receive the news well. I told them I was moving across the country on a journey of self discovery.
I landed in a town and knew no one. I struggled finding an apartment but met a realtor who helped me find a place and we've been friends ever since.
I was married for 36 years and retired. I've had lots of lessons and blessings in the past 5 years. My children won't speak to me and I have a new grandson I will never meet. But I've learned a lot about myself and I wouldn't do anything different. Growth is painful but also rewarding, one of those combo lesson/blessing things. I'm facing a medical challenge this coming Tuesday. I have faith in my Creator and I know I won't walk this journey alone.
If anyone out there reads this and feels stuck...know this, if I can do it, you can do it. You'll be surprised of what you are capable of accomplishing.❤️
🙏🏻 praying for successful outcome for your medical procedure.
Kudos to you for following your own path! I wonder why adult children don’t get that at some point we have to follow our own dreams… sometimes delayed dreams since we put them first.. onto our growth and pathways to something more. I’m sorry they put that boundary between you and your grandchild.
All the best to you on your journey. Happiness and peace in the days ahead! Namaste
Thank you for your kind words and prayers.
There are many of us separated from our adult children. I have to wonder if its been socially engineered into our culture.
For my own mental health I've found starting my day in a state of gratitude keeps me in a humble and loving mindset.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending support for your upcoming appointment. ✨️
Thank you ❤️🙏🏼❤️
I don’t know if I’m an exception or that perhaps this is over generalized. At 70 I told my husband I wanted a divorce; two months later, when I was 71 he fell down a flight of stairs and I became a part-time caregiver, visiting him in the last residence he had, a nursing home for the next two years while he died a little bit every day. At the same time I had to rev up my own business to compensate for the loss of his income and ensure my life continued to be good, growth focused, and forward oriented. Now I’m 73. I live alone. I’ve been dating for 2 1/2 years, every man being considerably younger than myself. I’m about to publish a book on personal transformation and completely change the direction of my business. I’m fortunate to have good friends who support me and love me. I was lucky to be brought up by a single mother who taught me how to rely on myself before anyone else. But the greatest asset I have is my brain, my self-confidence, and my desire to always improve the quality of my life. I’d love to hear from other women because I know we can’t all be afraid of a future alone since so many of us have exactly that.
Andrea, Thank you for your detailed response to my questions. That was so tragic about your father and ex. You definitely had to be very strong along the way. You were a devoted ex-wife in his time of need. I’m 68 and trying to imagine ramping up a business now like you are doing. We had several in the past and worked and played hard, but it was a lot. We retired a few years ago, but feel way super busy still. I cared for my sick parents an hour away for 12 1/2 years. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything other than that under the circumstances, but it was mind blowing and exhausting—threw a monkey wrench in my brain and our plans—what do we know—we had just got married and were going to go to Hawaii for a free month and sail the great circle in our new boat. Plus, I immediately had sudden and intense menopausal hot flashes and severe brain fog and anxiety for 5 plus years while trying to navigate everything. God was in though—I saw it later— and much love was experienced, tested and dragged through the mud and dross —emotions were set ablaze and healed through the turmoil. Turned my love life upside down too with the absence and physical changes no one told me about. Best wishes to you strong one. Hope I get to read your book when it comes out. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind remarks,Kat. You certainly endured and learned. It’s remarkable to me how many different ways we can each find a path through our own unique life, due to personal or environmental circumstances, so often unexpected.
I’m amazed at your courage and strength.
Was there regret in leaving him after he fell and ended up in a nursing home— while you pursued a better life? I’m curious why you left and how you dealt with the guilt if any—and how you managed to stay positive and present in your new life, while caregiving and still have a good career over 70? Menopause didn’t steal your brain and love life? What’s the title of your book?
My book is called “sex, sensuality, and the senior woman”. I expect it to be published in August. That is also the name of my account here. To answer your question no, there was no regret. There was tremendous sadness watching him deteriorate. He was not a bad man by any means; we were simply poorly matched. And despite divorcing him, I was a devoted ex-wife visiting him, multiple times a week, providing whatever I could to support him emotionally. My first obligation was to myself, to ensure that my life meant something, contributed something, and gained as well. My ex-husband received the care provided by a well regarded nursing home after not responding well to surgery and not recuperating. I provided emotional support for him and had to provide financial sustenance for myself. But financial sustenance is not enough to live well. It takes personal strength and perseverance. And I have that in spades. Regarding menopause: it did nothing to me except end the need for tampons. I never experienced night sweats, moodiness, and the other typical physical impacts it delivers. I have been blessed biologically and even more so by growing up with a single mother in the 50s after her husband, my father, developed polio and spent the rest of his life in an iron lung in a hospital. it was certainly not an experience I wanted to emulate, but I knew I had to and I’m proud of the life I have been able to build since.
Thank you for sharing your story. Life is funny sometimes. When you give up and try to walk away, sometimes you are pulled back into the situation for completion. I had a similar situation with my mom.
Thank you for sharing this. Reading a post like this really reinforces my faith and the laws of attraction. I really needed to read this today - At 47, I’ve just moved from London to Australia with my wife and our two-year-old, and the uncertainty and fear is very overwhelming. Your post has genuinely given me a boost and reminded me that taking a leap of faith is worth it.
Right on time ty 🙏💖
This is so real and so validating for me. At 53 I’ve spent the last two years in that fear, as I’ve completely changed my life around, started writing a book, and planning a move to Malta from Vancouver. I’m constantly making these statements to myself and moving through fear and I know I’m doing the right thing because of it. Thanks for a great article.