"Whose disappointment can I survive" — that's the one that does the work. Not because the answer is easy, but because it turns an abstract fear into an actual list. And the list is almost always shorter than it felt.
Hi Ellen, thank you for post yesterday. The sentence that jumped out at me was where you said: "So most women keep waiting for a permission slip that never arrives." I'm not a mom, but I am a step-mother, and thankfully my step-daughter is one of the most amazing humans on this earth. I'm grateful for her and her lovely family and how much they love me for me. My issue is with disappointment. I've been a people-pleaser most of my life (I'm just realizing this now) and it's been mostly with my parents and grandparents. Ever since my parents divorced 54 years ago, I've always tried to do whatever made my mother happy. I'm at a point now where I'm looking to do what makes me happy, and I'm getting the guilt trip from her. Since she is getting older and I'm an only child, she doesn't want me to leave the country and live the life I really want. I appreciate you and Blue, as you both seem to be the most amazing women. Such inspirations. Thank you so much. Jackie
Well, Ellen, I actually did that several times in my kids' lives --when they were babies, when they were 3 and 4, 6 and 7, 9 and 10 and when they were 25 and 26. We all survived. Of course, before they were adults, I took them with me from California to Idaho and from California to Washington. At 9 and 10, we moved to Germany. when they were adults (and still wanted me to stay in CA, I moved to Mexico. We started very poor and, through simultaneous working and education I ended up providing a comfortable living for us. Then, leaving that comfortable, successful job in 1996 for Mexico at 51, I gave up the salary and traded it in for a life that fit me better. Long story, but I wanted you to know that I honor you for your decision and I understand the difficulty in it. I'm quite sure looking back, both you and your kids are proud of who you were and who you became. Blue💙
Blue. You don't deserve a medal! You deserve a whole ceremony!
California to Idaho to Washington to Germany to Mexico, with kids in tow, starting from nothing and building comfort, then walking away from that comfort at 51 because it didn't fit anymore. That's not one brave decision. That's a lifetime of them, stacked one on top of the other.
And here's the part that amazes me: you kept choosing the life that fit you over the life that looked good on paper. Most people never make that trade even once. You made it again and again.
Thank you for telling me this. Truly. "We all survived" might be the most understated summary of a remarkable life I've read in a while. You didn't just survive. You raised humans, crossed oceans, and rebuilt yourself more times than most people change careers.
Really, Ellen, I loved your response and the way you’ve encapsulated my life. Never boring, was it? And now, it’s Substack and getting to build a community of wonderful writers like you. I’m just at this moment updating one of my first posts that was about change. It’s part of my DNA. Not sure where I inherited it from though. Looking forward to getting to know you better, Ellen. I love your writing. Blue💙
I'm almost 62 and my mother died recently. We had been estranged for 20 or so years (long story). At any rate, I don't want to go to her memorial service. Two of my three half-brothers want me to go (they are younger-enough than me that I was their "mom" growing up...) I've been doing research and having epiphanies galore about all the things I'm feeling.
The point of my comment is that, because of your article, I feel I have the permission to disappoint my brothers. Also because if your article, I feel I have the courage to do so, too.
Thank you. Thank you so much for your writing. You help so much in ways you may never know! <3
Please read my article and comment
https://substack.com/@bythepolishedmess/note/p-203650462?r=7t2z4t&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
"Whose disappointment can I survive" — that's the one that does the work. Not because the answer is easy, but because it turns an abstract fear into an actual list. And the list is almost always shorter than it felt.
Hi Ellen, thank you for post yesterday. The sentence that jumped out at me was where you said: "So most women keep waiting for a permission slip that never arrives." I'm not a mom, but I am a step-mother, and thankfully my step-daughter is one of the most amazing humans on this earth. I'm grateful for her and her lovely family and how much they love me for me. My issue is with disappointment. I've been a people-pleaser most of my life (I'm just realizing this now) and it's been mostly with my parents and grandparents. Ever since my parents divorced 54 years ago, I've always tried to do whatever made my mother happy. I'm at a point now where I'm looking to do what makes me happy, and I'm getting the guilt trip from her. Since she is getting older and I'm an only child, she doesn't want me to leave the country and live the life I really want. I appreciate you and Blue, as you both seem to be the most amazing women. Such inspirations. Thank you so much. Jackie
Well, Ellen, I actually did that several times in my kids' lives --when they were babies, when they were 3 and 4, 6 and 7, 9 and 10 and when they were 25 and 26. We all survived. Of course, before they were adults, I took them with me from California to Idaho and from California to Washington. At 9 and 10, we moved to Germany. when they were adults (and still wanted me to stay in CA, I moved to Mexico. We started very poor and, through simultaneous working and education I ended up providing a comfortable living for us. Then, leaving that comfortable, successful job in 1996 for Mexico at 51, I gave up the salary and traded it in for a life that fit me better. Long story, but I wanted you to know that I honor you for your decision and I understand the difficulty in it. I'm quite sure looking back, both you and your kids are proud of who you were and who you became. Blue💙
Blue. You don't deserve a medal! You deserve a whole ceremony!
California to Idaho to Washington to Germany to Mexico, with kids in tow, starting from nothing and building comfort, then walking away from that comfort at 51 because it didn't fit anymore. That's not one brave decision. That's a lifetime of them, stacked one on top of the other.
And here's the part that amazes me: you kept choosing the life that fit you over the life that looked good on paper. Most people never make that trade even once. You made it again and again.
Thank you for telling me this. Truly. "We all survived" might be the most understated summary of a remarkable life I've read in a while. You didn't just survive. You raised humans, crossed oceans, and rebuilt yourself more times than most people change careers.
I'm honored you shared it with me. 🤍
Really, Ellen, I loved your response and the way you’ve encapsulated my life. Never boring, was it? And now, it’s Substack and getting to build a community of wonderful writers like you. I’m just at this moment updating one of my first posts that was about change. It’s part of my DNA. Not sure where I inherited it from though. Looking forward to getting to know you better, Ellen. I love your writing. Blue💙
I'm almost 62 and my mother died recently. We had been estranged for 20 or so years (long story). At any rate, I don't want to go to her memorial service. Two of my three half-brothers want me to go (they are younger-enough than me that I was their "mom" growing up...) I've been doing research and having epiphanies galore about all the things I'm feeling.
The point of my comment is that, because of your article, I feel I have the permission to disappoint my brothers. Also because if your article, I feel I have the courage to do so, too.
Thank you. Thank you so much for your writing. You help so much in ways you may never know! <3
This is exactly what Im walking through right now. Thank you for sharing 💖