This is brilliant. I've been grappling with a friend who alienated me. She's given me lame excuses as to why she isn't reaching out. I finally read between the lines - she's done with me. And I came to terms with that. I too was done with the ghosting, the distance, and the lies. So it's a win-win. I'm basically letting go. It comes with a lot of pain and maybe a little shame and rejection. But your post puts it into perspective. Thank you! Friendships are a dance and I was tired of dated moves.
I've been around awhile. Eighty years young, I'm in the seasoned prime of my life; living my bliss.
My "longest" friendship is with a woman whose family lived next door to my family when I was one year old. She was still in her mother's womb- she's 79 now. We were just emailing and texting the other day. Some friendships are forever. Our memories are beautifully poignant.
Having lived, loved, worked, existed in the same area for 66 years, I had, still have, an enormous circle of friends- not aquaintences- friends; there's a difference.
My work took me to other states, where I made new friends.Over time, some have drifted away; so be it. Life moves on.
There is a small circle of women who are my "soul sisters"; we share deep, spiritual connections. One of those soul sisters chose to go her separate way; choosing darkness over light. She is the only friend who I deem to be an aquaintence.
Last year I broke ties with my best friend. She’s a die hard Trumper. I’m a never Trumper. I was fine with it. But our daughters were not.
We became friends when our daughters became friends - in 4th grade. Our girls are 38 now.
Politics is my life. When she told me that we can no longer discuss politics that was it for me. Done. Over it.
A few months passed and the girls started shaming me. Me! Not her.
Their campaign against me broke me down. I began talking to her again, constantly editing myself bc I wanted to talk about what a sorry prez he is. But that is verboten.
So now we talk maybe once per week. About stupid stuff. I hate it!
Maybe…. it’s time your daughters were exposed to real life and the fact that some relationships simply have a finite lifespan, and it might really help them to think about this in an adult way rather than the way they pressured you to start talking - but not really talking honestly- again as they thought you ought to. I certainly couldn’t bear to have a chat about inconsequential things to an orange supporter, there are way more happy and interesting things to do with my precious time. You do you! X. 💪🏽💪🏽🕊️
My energy has always been finite, although up through my thirties I was able to push through, do what I thought was necessary, what was expected of me. I did it for friends, family, and especially my husband and children. I still weep over the friendship that died a slow and painful death until 2020 finally did it in. More friendships have come and gone since then, one is currently on life support. I can't go back, I don't even want to go back to before. I've been known to say, "The older I get, the more I become who I've always been." I'd add to that, "I just haven't always been brave enough to be her." Now, being authentic it's not a mater of being brave enough, it's a matter of necessity.
Ellen, Loved the article. I've found myself there several times in the last 4-5 decades. But, I'm curious. These two paragraphs of yours seem to contradict each other:
I wasn’t just grieving the friendship. I was grieving who I was when that friendship mattered most.
The me who said yes to everything because I was afraid of being alone. Afraid of being difficult. Afraid of becoming one of those women who are hard to deal with.
Why would you grieve losing the person in your second paragraph? I'd think you'd appreciate more who you have become now? Have I misread or misunderstood something? Blue💙
I have been wrestling with this since I retired. I felt guilty for not continuing those work relationships which were important to me at one time. I left that life. I have a whole different life now with new friends. Reading this article made we realize it's ok. Life goes on and moves forward. Once in a blue moon a friendship survives with a lot of intention.
I am going through this now, turning 50 in a couple months, and moving house back to our town we grew up in after inheriting a house, so it’s a great time to contemplate the what and who of it all. I’m chronically ill from an immune disorder and it really focuses for me who and what lifts me up and makes me feel better on a daily and hourly basis. I try not to be the type of person who insists on everything being just so…I understand the world around me is not there to meet my demands, but the who and what I choose to be in my orbit feels a bit like life and death to me. My body is a little like a weather vain. It signals when something is off kilter. The responsible thing for me to do is to listen to it. I hold that signal loosely, but I do listen to it. Oftentimes that means moving on from a relationship. Thanks for the wonderful post.
I would just say to this: before you pull the eject button on a friendship, take a few moments to figure out whether it's dead or it just needs to be re-invented.
As I have changed so have my friends and while it is not interesting to re-hash a past, sometimes mundane shared history, maybe there is something new and interesting that they are up to as well?
The instinct to shut down and limit things for energy's sake can also be a detriment to us. Like a balloon with a slow leak, I'm trying to not let my world shrink as I get older. Old friends can still be a conduit to new experiences if both parties are still open and learning. "How has your life changed since I last saw you?" feels like a great conversation opener.
I am a highly empathic individual, so pulling away from friendships that never fit was hard. Truthfully, I started this earlier, though, in my 30's. The friendships based on only nostalgia or the ones that just felt they were taking from me.
My empathic self resisted pulling away at first. But, that all change when the realization hit me: gently ending these friendships was an act of empathy. Ending them was compassion for me, empathy for my family to balance my time and even deeper empathy for the room I was making for the new friendships where we connected at a deep level and not superficial.
Friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime . Not sure where I read that but works for me.
This is brilliant. I've been grappling with a friend who alienated me. She's given me lame excuses as to why she isn't reaching out. I finally read between the lines - she's done with me. And I came to terms with that. I too was done with the ghosting, the distance, and the lies. So it's a win-win. I'm basically letting go. It comes with a lot of pain and maybe a little shame and rejection. But your post puts it into perspective. Thank you! Friendships are a dance and I was tired of dated moves.
I've been around awhile. Eighty years young, I'm in the seasoned prime of my life; living my bliss.
My "longest" friendship is with a woman whose family lived next door to my family when I was one year old. She was still in her mother's womb- she's 79 now. We were just emailing and texting the other day. Some friendships are forever. Our memories are beautifully poignant.
Having lived, loved, worked, existed in the same area for 66 years, I had, still have, an enormous circle of friends- not aquaintences- friends; there's a difference.
My work took me to other states, where I made new friends.Over time, some have drifted away; so be it. Life moves on.
There is a small circle of women who are my "soul sisters"; we share deep, spiritual connections. One of those soul sisters chose to go her separate way; choosing darkness over light. She is the only friend who I deem to be an aquaintence.
Buddha says it best "detach with compassion"
~Namaste
Good article. Sensible.
Last year I broke ties with my best friend. She’s a die hard Trumper. I’m a never Trumper. I was fine with it. But our daughters were not.
We became friends when our daughters became friends - in 4th grade. Our girls are 38 now.
Politics is my life. When she told me that we can no longer discuss politics that was it for me. Done. Over it.
A few months passed and the girls started shaming me. Me! Not her.
Their campaign against me broke me down. I began talking to her again, constantly editing myself bc I wanted to talk about what a sorry prez he is. But that is verboten.
So now we talk maybe once per week. About stupid stuff. I hate it!
Maybe…. it’s time your daughters were exposed to real life and the fact that some relationships simply have a finite lifespan, and it might really help them to think about this in an adult way rather than the way they pressured you to start talking - but not really talking honestly- again as they thought you ought to. I certainly couldn’t bear to have a chat about inconsequential things to an orange supporter, there are way more happy and interesting things to do with my precious time. You do you! X. 💪🏽💪🏽🕊️
My energy has always been finite, although up through my thirties I was able to push through, do what I thought was necessary, what was expected of me. I did it for friends, family, and especially my husband and children. I still weep over the friendship that died a slow and painful death until 2020 finally did it in. More friendships have come and gone since then, one is currently on life support. I can't go back, I don't even want to go back to before. I've been known to say, "The older I get, the more I become who I've always been." I'd add to that, "I just haven't always been brave enough to be her." Now, being authentic it's not a mater of being brave enough, it's a matter of necessity.
Like the Bible says to everything a time.
Ellen, Loved the article. I've found myself there several times in the last 4-5 decades. But, I'm curious. These two paragraphs of yours seem to contradict each other:
I wasn’t just grieving the friendship. I was grieving who I was when that friendship mattered most.
The me who said yes to everything because I was afraid of being alone. Afraid of being difficult. Afraid of becoming one of those women who are hard to deal with.
Why would you grieve losing the person in your second paragraph? I'd think you'd appreciate more who you have become now? Have I misread or misunderstood something? Blue💙
I have been wrestling with this since I retired. I felt guilty for not continuing those work relationships which were important to me at one time. I left that life. I have a whole different life now with new friends. Reading this article made we realize it's ok. Life goes on and moves forward. Once in a blue moon a friendship survives with a lot of intention.
I wrote about a similar situation. I feel sad and happy I’m free of the one sided relationships
Really lovely Ellen. Thank you for sharing. <3
Thank you for this. I feel deeply seen. And it doesn’t have to be a dramatic goodbye. A quiet fade can be kind and graceful.
I am going through this now, turning 50 in a couple months, and moving house back to our town we grew up in after inheriting a house, so it’s a great time to contemplate the what and who of it all. I’m chronically ill from an immune disorder and it really focuses for me who and what lifts me up and makes me feel better on a daily and hourly basis. I try not to be the type of person who insists on everything being just so…I understand the world around me is not there to meet my demands, but the who and what I choose to be in my orbit feels a bit like life and death to me. My body is a little like a weather vain. It signals when something is off kilter. The responsible thing for me to do is to listen to it. I hold that signal loosely, but I do listen to it. Oftentimes that means moving on from a relationship. Thanks for the wonderful post.
I’ve been on both sides of this. In both cases- it’s ultimately a relief to finally let it go. People change! A lot!
I would just say to this: before you pull the eject button on a friendship, take a few moments to figure out whether it's dead or it just needs to be re-invented.
As I have changed so have my friends and while it is not interesting to re-hash a past, sometimes mundane shared history, maybe there is something new and interesting that they are up to as well?
The instinct to shut down and limit things for energy's sake can also be a detriment to us. Like a balloon with a slow leak, I'm trying to not let my world shrink as I get older. Old friends can still be a conduit to new experiences if both parties are still open and learning. "How has your life changed since I last saw you?" feels like a great conversation opener.
I guess the acid test is 'is this worth what it is costing me? If it is, then great!
I am a highly empathic individual, so pulling away from friendships that never fit was hard. Truthfully, I started this earlier, though, in my 30's. The friendships based on only nostalgia or the ones that just felt they were taking from me.
My empathic self resisted pulling away at first. But, that all change when the realization hit me: gently ending these friendships was an act of empathy. Ending them was compassion for me, empathy for my family to balance my time and even deeper empathy for the room I was making for the new friendships where we connected at a deep level and not superficial.