I went through a divorce that was genuinely horrific, and at the time I could not see anything beyond the wreckage of it. What saved me was choosing myself, and choosing love again, even when I was terrified to trust it.
I chose to be with the love of my life, Tim, and that choice quietly changed everything.
Rebuilding after something that breaks you like that is slow and awkward and deeply humbling, but it can also open a completely different kind of life. Not louder. Not shinier. Just truer.
Thank you for naming this messy middle so honestly. It helps more than you know. 🌹
I was able to retire about 5 yrs ago while my husband remained working. These last couple years i wasn't thinking about My well adjusted daily intentions that were already in place, when he began to talk of His retirement. All of the alarms went off to launch his social security, enroll him with Medicare and supplemental coverage and last but not least the drug coverage. We had been set for years with group insurance that I actually understood and could manage. These types of household duties have been mine to handle in our home.The effort to man-handle these necessities was creeping in upon me. With a little counsel the navigation began. I bet I shouted " how confusing" with a few cuss words a millon times. All the literature, glossy pamphlets, and paragraphs to sift through about choices was like a labyrinth. I felt more like a mouse in a maze, than in a garden of beauty. All enrollments were timely, ID cards were issued, offices and pharmacies notified of changes and it came to my mind that it wasn't easy at all. Quotes were iffy because "we don't know" about how much your premiums will be with a new year coming. Well...one thing is for certain. They won't be less than are right now. Are my meds covered? Which drug name is generic ?
Is it on your "formulary" list ?
OMG. I was in need of a beach and no mail or phone for 10 days. I didn't want to talk to anyone !!!!! All is calmer now but my pristine daily duties for mindfulness, living in the present and awareness became frazzled and tattered. Im going to reinstate my personal calm while my husband reads all the literature I've kept for his pleasure in his free time.
Absolutely…all of it! Thank you for sharing these truly helpful words and laying out the deep rich hard work that must go on when cutting that path back to yourself. And thank you for reposting Blu :)
Really great stuff, Ellen. And many of those "chapters" are fairly universal. I speak from experience and over 100 interviews in the last 3 decades. However, some weren't true for me. At 81, and after 7 careers, 5 states, 3 countries and one divorce that I walked out of with 6 and 18-month-olds, I resonate with much of you said, but not all. For me, I didn't have a week to enjoy the newness; it was "Oh shit, what have I done?" from day one. Also, I've always loved new beginnings and learning something new. I get bored easily. And, with experience, comes a knowingness that, given enough time, all will work out; If it doesn't, it's not the last choice I get to make. So, Ellen, I guess my point here is that we all fit somewhere on a change spectrum, but not always in the same place at the same time. I do realize, however, that most of my readers will benefit from reading this great essay, so...ta da.. I will restack it! Blue💙
I can relate to all this! I had a hard time adjusting to the identity piece most though. We pastored a small church, so I lost two components to my self-concept: Not just being a wife, but a pastor's wife too.
There is one area where I'm different though: I never lost that feeling of relief. Not for 5 seconds. I never looked back.
This was all over 10 years ago, but to this day I have dreams where I'm back with him. And I'm trying to plot an escape.
He wasn't abusive as in the DV sense, but it was a suffocating situation.
This article is spot on for me. Relevant in every way. Ellen, you came into my world only two or three weeks ago, and since then each article I have read has been helpful. Your ability to put words to what is happening, to acknowledge and validate feelings and emotions and life at this juncture - thank you. ☮️❤️🙂
It took me 15 years to rebuild me & my life post divorce, bankruptcy & homelessness in my 50's!! But boy was it worth the work and the wait!!!
Your articles are always so helpful. Thank you so much! 🙏🏽
I really felt this.
I went through a divorce that was genuinely horrific, and at the time I could not see anything beyond the wreckage of it. What saved me was choosing myself, and choosing love again, even when I was terrified to trust it.
I chose to be with the love of my life, Tim, and that choice quietly changed everything.
Rebuilding after something that breaks you like that is slow and awkward and deeply humbling, but it can also open a completely different kind of life. Not louder. Not shinier. Just truer.
Thank you for naming this messy middle so honestly. It helps more than you know. 🌹
I like all of these. 5 really hit. I am learning new stuff to cope. It has been eye opening. I am stronger but wow what a ride.
All of it.
Explained with so much clarity! It is the very exact senario! 💛
Thank you. I feel seen 💜
I was able to retire about 5 yrs ago while my husband remained working. These last couple years i wasn't thinking about My well adjusted daily intentions that were already in place, when he began to talk of His retirement. All of the alarms went off to launch his social security, enroll him with Medicare and supplemental coverage and last but not least the drug coverage. We had been set for years with group insurance that I actually understood and could manage. These types of household duties have been mine to handle in our home.The effort to man-handle these necessities was creeping in upon me. With a little counsel the navigation began. I bet I shouted " how confusing" with a few cuss words a millon times. All the literature, glossy pamphlets, and paragraphs to sift through about choices was like a labyrinth. I felt more like a mouse in a maze, than in a garden of beauty. All enrollments were timely, ID cards were issued, offices and pharmacies notified of changes and it came to my mind that it wasn't easy at all. Quotes were iffy because "we don't know" about how much your premiums will be with a new year coming. Well...one thing is for certain. They won't be less than are right now. Are my meds covered? Which drug name is generic ?
Is it on your "formulary" list ?
OMG. I was in need of a beach and no mail or phone for 10 days. I didn't want to talk to anyone !!!!! All is calmer now but my pristine daily duties for mindfulness, living in the present and awareness became frazzled and tattered. Im going to reinstate my personal calm while my husband reads all the literature I've kept for his pleasure in his free time.
I’m in it! See myself so much in this post. Thank you.
Absolutely…all of it! Thank you for sharing these truly helpful words and laying out the deep rich hard work that must go on when cutting that path back to yourself. And thank you for reposting Blu :)
Thank you for this. In the midst of it.
Wow. So true in the harshest and most clear way. It needs to be said. This change is hard. Thanks for being real.
Really great stuff, Ellen. And many of those "chapters" are fairly universal. I speak from experience and over 100 interviews in the last 3 decades. However, some weren't true for me. At 81, and after 7 careers, 5 states, 3 countries and one divorce that I walked out of with 6 and 18-month-olds, I resonate with much of you said, but not all. For me, I didn't have a week to enjoy the newness; it was "Oh shit, what have I done?" from day one. Also, I've always loved new beginnings and learning something new. I get bored easily. And, with experience, comes a knowingness that, given enough time, all will work out; If it doesn't, it's not the last choice I get to make. So, Ellen, I guess my point here is that we all fit somewhere on a change spectrum, but not always in the same place at the same time. I do realize, however, that most of my readers will benefit from reading this great essay, so...ta da.. I will restack it! Blue💙
Oh, I needed this. Thank you. 💕
I can relate to all this! I had a hard time adjusting to the identity piece most though. We pastored a small church, so I lost two components to my self-concept: Not just being a wife, but a pastor's wife too.
There is one area where I'm different though: I never lost that feeling of relief. Not for 5 seconds. I never looked back.
This was all over 10 years ago, but to this day I have dreams where I'm back with him. And I'm trying to plot an escape.
He wasn't abusive as in the DV sense, but it was a suffocating situation.
This article is spot on for me. Relevant in every way. Ellen, you came into my world only two or three weeks ago, and since then each article I have read has been helpful. Your ability to put words to what is happening, to acknowledge and validate feelings and emotions and life at this juncture - thank you. ☮️❤️🙂