I am dealing with a “starting over” I didn’t choose but I certainly have been through many of these feelings and am smack-dab in the middle of the mess. Hoping life settles soon.
Different circumstances - same steps apply. Almost like being reborn - begin with crawling and develop. Discarding can be a difficult prospect under the best of times. One had to lose the old "skin" and begin anew with a freshness that is given to making choices best for one. Everyone takes different amounts of time - similar/same as grief. Wonderfully written. Thank you for the reminder of where I came from.
I agree with your points,Ellen. The only point I would like to add is that we all have choices. We can decide to ride out the scarey moments, the uncertainty and those nasty " what if's". I had plenty of them when I sold everything I owned, packed two suitcases and my Chihuahua and left the USA and age 65. Two years on I am stronger,wiser, more determined than ever. Oh worries me doesn't exist in my world.
Your Point 2 stopped me. I drove past a soccer field last week where my daughters had spent their childhoods. As a single mother I had spent the better part of my life trying to work and still get to all the games and plays and activities. I genuinely looked forward to the day my life didn't revolve around getting kids where they needed to be. But driving past, I felt something I wasn't expecting. Not relief, not 'wow, all that is finally over.' Something harder and quieter. So when you wrote 'you're going to miss things you hated' -- wow. I get that!
One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how many women enter this phase believing the goal is to get back to who they used to be. Their old confidence. Their old energy. Their old identity. Their old life.
But what if that's not actually the invitation?
What if midlife isn't asking us to return to a previous version of ourselves, but to become someone we've never had the chance to be before?
I loved your point that there is an awkward phase where you don't quite recognize yourself. I think that's the part many women fear most. We interpret that uncertainty as evidence that something is wrong, when it may actually be evidence that something new is emerging.
Thank you for such an honest and encouraging piece.
This resonates so much. Not just for our well-being now but for making sure that our actions align with our goals and that we do not compromise our health during these years. What we do in midlife matters!!!!
This article was so affirming — thank you. Starting anew at 74. I read some things I know and said, “Oh Yeah, now I remember!” I also gained a few new insights.
You don't need survival tools anymore. You need building tools.' I've been sitting with that since I read it. The busy excuse was my survival tool for decades — if the calendar was full, I didn't have to ask harder questions. Retirement took the excuse away. Turns out that's exactly the point.
I needed to read this. Thank you. For me, I'm thinking in terms of 'This decade I'm learning.' And yes! "rebuilding tools" the discovery that an experienced, competent person in one sphere lacks in others... still working what's transferrable and which are those to invest energy into developing. Love learning but sometimes...
Thank you. What I really appreciated about this piece is how honest it is about the aftermath of change. So much writing about midlife reinvention focuses on the courage of leaving, choosing yourself, or starting over, but this post gives equal weight to what comes next: the awkwardness, the grief, the nervous-system confusion, and the long stretch of rebuilding that rarely looks inspiring in real time. I thought that was both compassionate and psychologically accurate. The points about missing things you hated, not being able to skip the awkward phase, and discovering that the timeline is longer than expected were especially strong because they validate experiences many women quietly feel but do not always hear named so clearly. 
One nuance that could make the piece even stronger is adding just a little more structure around what helps people move through this phase, not just endure it. The emotional truth lands very well, but readers in the thick of it may also benefit from a few clearer anchors for the rebuilding process itself, whether that is community, therapy, rituals, physical health, financial stabilization, or small identity-building practices. In other words, the diagnosis of the “messy middle” is excellent; a bit more scaffolding for how to navigate it could deepen the practical impact even further. 
Overall, I thought this was a deeply validating and humane piece. It does something valuable by reminding readers that discomfort after a major life change is not necessarily evidence of a wrong decision, but often part of the recalibration that follows a brave one. Beautifully done!
Spot on! I would add one more - Savor the Good Days - that one step forward, that day you chose to cancel everything or went for an Artist date with yourself /your bestie - these good days count!
I have never felt more capable and powerful in my life than now - even on those two reps back days - I know I’m building for real and this too shall pass.
So helpful! Thank you for the encouragement! Starting over is really hard and feels very lonely. It’s helpful to know the discomfort isn’t a sign of failing, or that you can’t/won’t figure it out.
I am dealing with a “starting over” I didn’t choose but I certainly have been through many of these feelings and am smack-dab in the middle of the mess. Hoping life settles soon.
Different circumstances - same steps apply. Almost like being reborn - begin with crawling and develop. Discarding can be a difficult prospect under the best of times. One had to lose the old "skin" and begin anew with a freshness that is given to making choices best for one. Everyone takes different amounts of time - similar/same as grief. Wonderfully written. Thank you for the reminder of where I came from.
Freddie's noticed that too, missing even the parts of a life that hurt.
I agree with your points,Ellen. The only point I would like to add is that we all have choices. We can decide to ride out the scarey moments, the uncertainty and those nasty " what if's". I had plenty of them when I sold everything I owned, packed two suitcases and my Chihuahua and left the USA and age 65. Two years on I am stronger,wiser, more determined than ever. Oh worries me doesn't exist in my world.
Your Point 2 stopped me. I drove past a soccer field last week where my daughters had spent their childhoods. As a single mother I had spent the better part of my life trying to work and still get to all the games and plays and activities. I genuinely looked forward to the day my life didn't revolve around getting kids where they needed to be. But driving past, I felt something I wasn't expecting. Not relief, not 'wow, all that is finally over.' Something harder and quieter. So when you wrote 'you're going to miss things you hated' -- wow. I get that!
This really resonated, especially #8.
One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how many women enter this phase believing the goal is to get back to who they used to be. Their old confidence. Their old energy. Their old identity. Their old life.
But what if that's not actually the invitation?
What if midlife isn't asking us to return to a previous version of ourselves, but to become someone we've never had the chance to be before?
I loved your point that there is an awkward phase where you don't quite recognize yourself. I think that's the part many women fear most. We interpret that uncertainty as evidence that something is wrong, when it may actually be evidence that something new is emerging.
Thank you for such an honest and encouraging piece.
The woman in the mirror is not who you used to be. She is also not who you will become. She is the bridge. Be gentle with her. She's doing holy work.
This resonates so much. Not just for our well-being now but for making sure that our actions align with our goals and that we do not compromise our health during these years. What we do in midlife matters!!!!
This article was so affirming — thank you. Starting anew at 74. I read some things I know and said, “Oh Yeah, now I remember!” I also gained a few new insights.
You don't need survival tools anymore. You need building tools.' I've been sitting with that since I read it. The busy excuse was my survival tool for decades — if the calendar was full, I didn't have to ask harder questions. Retirement took the excuse away. Turns out that's exactly the point.
I needed to read this. Thank you. For me, I'm thinking in terms of 'This decade I'm learning.' And yes! "rebuilding tools" the discovery that an experienced, competent person in one sphere lacks in others... still working what's transferrable and which are those to invest energy into developing. Love learning but sometimes...
I’m in a version of this right now, and it’s both disorienting and strangely clarifying. You put words to parts I haven’t been able to explain yet.
Thank you. What I really appreciated about this piece is how honest it is about the aftermath of change. So much writing about midlife reinvention focuses on the courage of leaving, choosing yourself, or starting over, but this post gives equal weight to what comes next: the awkwardness, the grief, the nervous-system confusion, and the long stretch of rebuilding that rarely looks inspiring in real time. I thought that was both compassionate and psychologically accurate. The points about missing things you hated, not being able to skip the awkward phase, and discovering that the timeline is longer than expected were especially strong because they validate experiences many women quietly feel but do not always hear named so clearly. 
One nuance that could make the piece even stronger is adding just a little more structure around what helps people move through this phase, not just endure it. The emotional truth lands very well, but readers in the thick of it may also benefit from a few clearer anchors for the rebuilding process itself, whether that is community, therapy, rituals, physical health, financial stabilization, or small identity-building practices. In other words, the diagnosis of the “messy middle” is excellent; a bit more scaffolding for how to navigate it could deepen the practical impact even further. 
Overall, I thought this was a deeply validating and humane piece. It does something valuable by reminding readers that discomfort after a major life change is not necessarily evidence of a wrong decision, but often part of the recalibration that follows a brave one. Beautifully done!
Spot on! I would add one more - Savor the Good Days - that one step forward, that day you chose to cancel everything or went for an Artist date with yourself /your bestie - these good days count!
I have never felt more capable and powerful in my life than now - even on those two reps back days - I know I’m building for real and this too shall pass.
So helpful! Thank you for the encouragement! Starting over is really hard and feels very lonely. It’s helpful to know the discomfort isn’t a sign of failing, or that you can’t/won’t figure it out.
It took me 15 years to rebuild me & my life post divorce, bankruptcy & homelessness in my 50's!! But boy was it worth the work and the wait!!!
I'm glad you found your way back to you x