Ellen, ALL of this speaks volumes to what I’m currently experiencing-add on major personal health crisis, then husband left/divorced while I was in/out of hospital so I didn’t have legal representation. And major move across country to be near one of my grown daughters. Turning 60 this month. Unable to handle stressors of being a public school teacher any longer so now working part time at a plant nursery because I love perennial flowers. Each of my parents passed away before and during much of this-after I was helping with caregiving. Many life stressors and changes all together. Now I live alone with my cat & am doing my best to meet people, have a schedule… no schedule causes anxiety. 🤷♀️
"They pull away. They build lives that don’t center you anymore. And you’re supposed to be proud — and you are — but you’re also grieving something nobody gives you permission to grieve."
I see myself in so many sentences and paragraphs of this post. It's amost unnerving how transparent I am. Invisible/transparent. I am see-through. I feel see-through, which makes leaving the house sometimes a fraught venture. Widowed, 60, empty nest, unwillingly unemployed. Figuring out what to wear, though that is a genuine challenge, is only the half of it. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I accuse myself of being weak, feeble, undisciplined, not enough. Thanks for putting a label on so much of what is going on here: Grief.
Yes, absolutely. It’s Grief over all the change & loss. Everything you’ve stated here is what I’m experiencing (except Im recently divorced) I am constantly reminding myself I am Enough. I am Worthy. I have notes posted around my home with these quotes & others 💜
The most difficult part of this change for me is working my way out of the performative mindset which is so tightly bound to money. I performed and achieved all my life and quit a year ago to pursue some homeopathy training i did 20 years ago. But I find in still performing... must get that practice going!!! And I love it... but the performance and need to achieve is getting on the way and crippling me...
This is something fundamental to our society...male society... how, how do we chaff this?
Love this Ellen. I just read your first viral post yesterday and totally understood why it became such a success--why you've become such a success. I'll be reading all of yours now. So many of the points you've made here are things I have also written articles about. Mine come from my own experience and yours come from years of working with clients which makes them so powerful. I do need to share this bit with you. I just finished my next post about 2 hours ago. The Title? "Says Who?" I just want yo to know I did not take it from this article! Great minds.... Blue💙
Your ideas good and solid recommendations for starting over. You left out an important, and growing, group of women... widows.
My husband died in 2024 after a six-year battle with cancer. Since then several of my friends have lost spouses. We're all boomers and were reaching the end of our time here, and the number of boomers widows is growing fast.
Whether we have 10 month or 10 years to live beyond the death of our spouse, we're starting over. As I came out of the initial fog of loss, one of the first things that occurred to me is that I'm no longer part of a couple... I'm single again.
And as an older widow, my children have already left, I've retired and can't go back to the career I've left behind. The two sources, apart from my spouse, that helped shape who I am.
Young or older, widows are all facing these issues. Don't forget us please.
I worry so much about this for my own mom Susan. I was reading this post thinking of her, if you know of any writers covering this space I'd love to share them with her. Thinking of you and her and the growing number of boomer widows ❤️
While reading, I kept thinking how I wish I'd had this article back in 2001, when I became a widow at 51 years old after 31 years of marriage to a truly good man. Yeah, that makes me an astonishing 76 years old (albeit healthy and fairly hip) this year. Ellen is very wise. Read and absorb her wisdom. We aren't done at any age. With love, thanks, and gratitude to you, Ellen!
Not a woman and at 80 definitely not in midlife but some excellent info as I enter the last decade or so and wonder how to replace a recently lost 10 year relationship. Thanks
This is so often misunderstood, when everyone just wants an answer or for you to get it right
Beautifully put into words. Thank you!
Ellen, ALL of this speaks volumes to what I’m currently experiencing-add on major personal health crisis, then husband left/divorced while I was in/out of hospital so I didn’t have legal representation. And major move across country to be near one of my grown daughters. Turning 60 this month. Unable to handle stressors of being a public school teacher any longer so now working part time at a plant nursery because I love perennial flowers. Each of my parents passed away before and during much of this-after I was helping with caregiving. Many life stressors and changes all together. Now I live alone with my cat & am doing my best to meet people, have a schedule… no schedule causes anxiety. 🤷♀️
"They pull away. They build lives that don’t center you anymore. And you’re supposed to be proud — and you are — but you’re also grieving something nobody gives you permission to grieve."
I see myself in so many sentences and paragraphs of this post. It's amost unnerving how transparent I am. Invisible/transparent. I am see-through. I feel see-through, which makes leaving the house sometimes a fraught venture. Widowed, 60, empty nest, unwillingly unemployed. Figuring out what to wear, though that is a genuine challenge, is only the half of it. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I accuse myself of being weak, feeble, undisciplined, not enough. Thanks for putting a label on so much of what is going on here: Grief.
Yes, absolutely. It’s Grief over all the change & loss. Everything you’ve stated here is what I’m experiencing (except Im recently divorced) I am constantly reminding myself I am Enough. I am Worthy. I have notes posted around my home with these quotes & others 💜
Sorry for the typos!! How do we change this!!!! 😖
The most difficult part of this change for me is working my way out of the performative mindset which is so tightly bound to money. I performed and achieved all my life and quit a year ago to pursue some homeopathy training i did 20 years ago. But I find in still performing... must get that practice going!!! And I love it... but the performance and need to achieve is getting on the way and crippling me...
This is something fundamental to our society...male society... how, how do we chaff this?
Love this Ellen. I just read your first viral post yesterday and totally understood why it became such a success--why you've become such a success. I'll be reading all of yours now. So many of the points you've made here are things I have also written articles about. Mine come from my own experience and yours come from years of working with clients which makes them so powerful. I do need to share this bit with you. I just finished my next post about 2 hours ago. The Title? "Says Who?" I just want yo to know I did not take it from this article! Great minds.... Blue💙
Your ideas good and solid recommendations for starting over. You left out an important, and growing, group of women... widows.
My husband died in 2024 after a six-year battle with cancer. Since then several of my friends have lost spouses. We're all boomers and were reaching the end of our time here, and the number of boomers widows is growing fast.
Whether we have 10 month or 10 years to live beyond the death of our spouse, we're starting over. As I came out of the initial fog of loss, one of the first things that occurred to me is that I'm no longer part of a couple... I'm single again.
And as an older widow, my children have already left, I've retired and can't go back to the career I've left behind. The two sources, apart from my spouse, that helped shape who I am.
Young or older, widows are all facing these issues. Don't forget us please.
I worry so much about this for my own mom Susan. I was reading this post thinking of her, if you know of any writers covering this space I'd love to share them with her. Thinking of you and her and the growing number of boomer widows ❤️
While reading, I kept thinking how I wish I'd had this article back in 2001, when I became a widow at 51 years old after 31 years of marriage to a truly good man. Yeah, that makes me an astonishing 76 years old (albeit healthy and fairly hip) this year. Ellen is very wise. Read and absorb her wisdom. We aren't done at any age. With love, thanks, and gratitude to you, Ellen!
Not a woman and at 80 definitely not in midlife but some excellent info as I enter the last decade or so and wonder how to replace a recently lost 10 year relationship. Thanks