This "echoist" type person is extremely rare. The vast majority of people are much too focused on their own interests, wants and preferences. Yes, including me.
The sad thing is, it's the already self-centered folks who will think you're talking to them. The real "echoists" are doing the dishes or sending birthday cards, not reading Substacks about emotional assertiveness.
This really resonated. I have never heard the term "echosim" before. Thank you for this permission to see from a new perspective what I've always deemed a version of "people-pleasing" - that term never felt like it quite fit the bill.
I love this! It sums up a great deal of my life! I’ve been working on emotional autonomy for years. It gets easier, but it’s hard to stay the course as old habits creep in when you aren’t looking. Thank you for your insights.
Thank you so much for bringing echoism out into the open in such a gentle, heartfelt and validating kind of way. This pattern emerged for a good reason. For me, pleasing and appeasing was a way of staying safe, keeping the peace and receiving affection. So often this pattern is villainized, rather than respected for helping us get through an impossibly hard stretch of time. A couple years ago, I realized I actually do know what I want, but it's the anticipation of people's reactions (disappointment, criticism, judgment) that blocks me from acting. That a-ha insight was the beginning of such a tectonic shift within. And, as you say, some people didn't like me becoming more authentically me. It's been hard, but the good kind of hard.
It’s like you were in my therapy appointment today! Love all of this essay. When you’ve spent the better part of your life keeping the family peace, it’s a new skill to know what you need and then try to claim it.
Very powerful for me. Seeing some of these words in print, I felt like a light bulb went off, of familiarity and overwhelming emotion. I did not know some of what I have been going through had a name! Stepping away from an almost 28 year marriage has taken all the strength this people-pleasing, avoider of conflict could muster. I am still learning how to recognize what I want vs bending to others. Societal and familial expectations are so strong- the guilt, oh the guilt, I don't know where it came from but I'm learning to let that go! Selfish was a nasty word growing up, but if we don't take care of ourselves what do we have to give? Thank you for these pieces, thank you.
This lands deeply. What’s often missed is that patterns like this aren’t just psychological — they’re protective strategies learned early and held in the body.
Reclaiming emotional autonomy isn’t about becoming less kind. It’s about no longer confusing safety with self-erasure. And that shift can feel disorienting before it feels freeing.
I am currently recovering from "Echoist" burnout, I imploded suddenly and spectacularly which was quite jarring to say the least. I mustered the gumption to seek professional help and a couple DSM-5 diagnoses and a few months off to get to know myself again has been immensely helpful. I am still mourning that yes-girl and the old way of being, but I also know, that version of me no longer exists. She and the new me are incompatible.
Thank you, Ellen, for this piece. I recognize so much of myself in here but never had a word for it before. Your description of an "Echoist" rings so true, and somehow knowing what to call it, giving it a name, makes overcoming it feel more possible now. The promise of living life "as yourself, without apology, without constant negotiation, without disappearing into everyone else’s needs" is motivation enough to do the work.
This "echoist" type person is extremely rare. The vast majority of people are much too focused on their own interests, wants and preferences. Yes, including me.
The sad thing is, it's the already self-centered folks who will think you're talking to them. The real "echoists" are doing the dishes or sending birthday cards, not reading Substacks about emotional assertiveness.
This really resonated. I have never heard the term "echosim" before. Thank you for this permission to see from a new perspective what I've always deemed a version of "people-pleasing" - that term never felt like it quite fit the bill.
I love this! It sums up a great deal of my life! I’ve been working on emotional autonomy for years. It gets easier, but it’s hard to stay the course as old habits creep in when you aren’t looking. Thank you for your insights.
Thank you so much for bringing echoism out into the open in such a gentle, heartfelt and validating kind of way. This pattern emerged for a good reason. For me, pleasing and appeasing was a way of staying safe, keeping the peace and receiving affection. So often this pattern is villainized, rather than respected for helping us get through an impossibly hard stretch of time. A couple years ago, I realized I actually do know what I want, but it's the anticipation of people's reactions (disappointment, criticism, judgment) that blocks me from acting. That a-ha insight was the beginning of such a tectonic shift within. And, as you say, some people didn't like me becoming more authentically me. It's been hard, but the good kind of hard.
I can totally relate to your situation. Thank you for sharing.
I am learning how to do this now. It's so liberating and uncomfortable at the same time, but I'm glad I'm finally freeing myself.
Thank you for sharing this.
It’s like you were in my therapy appointment today! Love all of this essay. When you’ve spent the better part of your life keeping the family peace, it’s a new skill to know what you need and then try to claim it.
You wrote part of my life story I struggled to overcome. 2 marriages & countless hours of therapy & I found myself.
Loved this. So many people need to regain their power.
Very powerful for me. Seeing some of these words in print, I felt like a light bulb went off, of familiarity and overwhelming emotion. I did not know some of what I have been going through had a name! Stepping away from an almost 28 year marriage has taken all the strength this people-pleasing, avoider of conflict could muster. I am still learning how to recognize what I want vs bending to others. Societal and familial expectations are so strong- the guilt, oh the guilt, I don't know where it came from but I'm learning to let that go! Selfish was a nasty word growing up, but if we don't take care of ourselves what do we have to give? Thank you for these pieces, thank you.
Keep strong on your journey! Take care of yourself.
Thank you. We need to read and accept this knowledge.
This lands deeply. What’s often missed is that patterns like this aren’t just psychological — they’re protective strategies learned early and held in the body.
Reclaiming emotional autonomy isn’t about becoming less kind. It’s about no longer confusing safety with self-erasure. And that shift can feel disorienting before it feels freeing.
Dang. This hit hard.
Thank you. Hell yes!
I am currently recovering from "Echoist" burnout, I imploded suddenly and spectacularly which was quite jarring to say the least. I mustered the gumption to seek professional help and a couple DSM-5 diagnoses and a few months off to get to know myself again has been immensely helpful. I am still mourning that yes-girl and the old way of being, but I also know, that version of me no longer exists. She and the new me are incompatible.
Thank you, Ellen, for this piece. I recognize so much of myself in here but never had a word for it before. Your description of an "Echoist" rings so true, and somehow knowing what to call it, giving it a name, makes overcoming it feel more possible now. The promise of living life "as yourself, without apology, without constant negotiation, without disappearing into everyone else’s needs" is motivation enough to do the work.
No fucking kidding! Best lesson I ever learned in my life. You lay it out perfectly.