I have had over 30k convos with people from all over the world and this is a problem and reoccurring theme.
My most sound advice and easy way to help you step out of this trap today is:
1. PAUSE, and take time to ground yourself and carefully assess the situation.
2. Refrain from reacting, take your time with your answer and RESPOND when you feel good about what you're about to communicate.
3. If they need an immediate answer (aka its urgent, aka they waited too long to resolve their issues), the answer will always be NO. Don't worry they will find someone else to rescue them - there's always someone else willing to help.
4. If you hate to say NO, hate to break it to you but its inevitable. You're always saying no, just make sure it's not you you're saying no to (aka your goals, your desires, your dreams, etc.).
5. If it is a true emergency and not just poor planning, make yourself available for an alloted amount of time, communicate it ahead of time and stick to your plan no matter what!
Rememeber takers don't have limits, so as a giver, you must watchout for yourself.
Ouch. This resonated. Not with the me right now, but the one I used to be. A timely reminder to be for yourself so you can be for others authentically and based on your own needs. Thank you.
Wow... it was not until now. I realize I have it bad. Thanks so much for sharing this piece. I used to always default to being helpful, always doing more and realizing others didn't appreciate it and eventually didn't want to associate with me - it was as if everybody saw it as a flaw or weakness to help for the sake of helping in my formative years...
It is so hard I say no to others and often forfeit what I wanted to do for something I really had not wanted to do. I want others to reach out to me and invite me in and acknowledge that I want to feel included and not the reason they are doing something or need someone.
"Either way, you figured out that your value came from what you could do for others. And that pattern stuck.".... Boy, did that hit home. I learned from the Master, my father. The self-abandonment that followed led to a life of confusion, sadness, and resentment that my needs were never met. Thankfully, lots of work on the proverbial backhoe into my soul is healing those patterns, but boy, do they run deep.
Thank you so much for this! I'm working on a novel and I was trying to describe this dynamic for the protagonist's conflict but I didn't have the right language. I mean, this is also my family's codependency playbook, which is why I wanted to write about and understand it. But even after 20 years of therapy this was my first introduction to echoism - you're doing important work here.
This "echoist" type person is extremely rare. The vast majority of people are much too focused on their own interests, wants and preferences. Yes, including me.
The sad thing is, it's the already self-centered folks who will think you're talking to them. The real "echoists" are doing the dishes or sending birthday cards, not reading Substacks about emotional assertiveness.
This really resonated. I have never heard the term "echosim" before. Thank you for this permission to see from a new perspective what I've always deemed a version of "people-pleasing" - that term never felt like it quite fit the bill.
I love this! It sums up a great deal of my life! I’ve been working on emotional autonomy for years. It gets easier, but it’s hard to stay the course as old habits creep in when you aren’t looking. Thank you for your insights.
Thank you so much for bringing echoism out into the open in such a gentle, heartfelt and validating kind of way. This pattern emerged for a good reason. For me, pleasing and appeasing was a way of staying safe, keeping the peace and receiving affection. So often this pattern is villainized, rather than respected for helping us get through an impossibly hard stretch of time. A couple years ago, I realized I actually do know what I want, but it's the anticipation of people's reactions (disappointment, criticism, judgment) that blocks me from acting. That a-ha insight was the beginning of such a tectonic shift within. And, as you say, some people didn't like me becoming more authentically me. It's been hard, but the good kind of hard.
Incredible article! I actually just wrote a piece on this from my own life titled "You Should Be Harder to Love". https://substack.com/@wisdomthatcries/note/p-188006477?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2almvy
I have had over 30k convos with people from all over the world and this is a problem and reoccurring theme.
My most sound advice and easy way to help you step out of this trap today is:
1. PAUSE, and take time to ground yourself and carefully assess the situation.
2. Refrain from reacting, take your time with your answer and RESPOND when you feel good about what you're about to communicate.
3. If they need an immediate answer (aka its urgent, aka they waited too long to resolve their issues), the answer will always be NO. Don't worry they will find someone else to rescue them - there's always someone else willing to help.
4. If you hate to say NO, hate to break it to you but its inevitable. You're always saying no, just make sure it's not you you're saying no to (aka your goals, your desires, your dreams, etc.).
5. If it is a true emergency and not just poor planning, make yourself available for an alloted amount of time, communicate it ahead of time and stick to your plan no matter what!
Rememeber takers don't have limits, so as a giver, you must watchout for yourself.
I love you. 💜
Could not agree more 🫶 I was the helpful easy one until a decade of consequence to that hit like a tidal wave of utter chaos, one after the other. Let this be a warning! https://open.substack.com/pub/allylou11/p/burnout-narcissist-miscarriage-and?r=4ek4jz&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=overlay
Spot on! I needed to read this. I need to stop being so helpful 🙏 💖
I find menopause made me less helpful. More "no fucks to give" (pardon). Taking more time and have agency over you time is gold. Thanks for this!
Some tough and tender reminders here, thank you! ✨💕
Ouch. This resonated. Not with the me right now, but the one I used to be. A timely reminder to be for yourself so you can be for others authentically and based on your own needs. Thank you.
Wow... it was not until now. I realize I have it bad. Thanks so much for sharing this piece. I used to always default to being helpful, always doing more and realizing others didn't appreciate it and eventually didn't want to associate with me - it was as if everybody saw it as a flaw or weakness to help for the sake of helping in my formative years...
It is so hard I say no to others and often forfeit what I wanted to do for something I really had not wanted to do. I want others to reach out to me and invite me in and acknowledge that I want to feel included and not the reason they are doing something or need someone.
"Either way, you figured out that your value came from what you could do for others. And that pattern stuck.".... Boy, did that hit home. I learned from the Master, my father. The self-abandonment that followed led to a life of confusion, sadness, and resentment that my needs were never met. Thankfully, lots of work on the proverbial backhoe into my soul is healing those patterns, but boy, do they run deep.
Love this! Very clear and understandable.
Thank you so much for this! I'm working on a novel and I was trying to describe this dynamic for the protagonist's conflict but I didn't have the right language. I mean, this is also my family's codependency playbook, which is why I wanted to write about and understand it. But even after 20 years of therapy this was my first introduction to echoism - you're doing important work here.
This "echoist" type person is extremely rare. The vast majority of people are much too focused on their own interests, wants and preferences. Yes, including me.
The sad thing is, it's the already self-centered folks who will think you're talking to them. The real "echoists" are doing the dishes or sending birthday cards, not reading Substacks about emotional assertiveness.
This really resonated. I have never heard the term "echosim" before. Thank you for this permission to see from a new perspective what I've always deemed a version of "people-pleasing" - that term never felt like it quite fit the bill.
I love this! It sums up a great deal of my life! I’ve been working on emotional autonomy for years. It gets easier, but it’s hard to stay the course as old habits creep in when you aren’t looking. Thank you for your insights.
Thank you so much for bringing echoism out into the open in such a gentle, heartfelt and validating kind of way. This pattern emerged for a good reason. For me, pleasing and appeasing was a way of staying safe, keeping the peace and receiving affection. So often this pattern is villainized, rather than respected for helping us get through an impossibly hard stretch of time. A couple years ago, I realized I actually do know what I want, but it's the anticipation of people's reactions (disappointment, criticism, judgment) that blocks me from acting. That a-ha insight was the beginning of such a tectonic shift within. And, as you say, some people didn't like me becoming more authentically me. It's been hard, but the good kind of hard.
I can totally relate to your situation. Thank you for sharing.