I’ve spent years pretending I had it together, running a life that looked seamless on the outside while my inside was a hurricane no one saw. Reading this, I realized how much of myself I’ve been hiding not from the world, but from me. It’s exhausting to live in the act of “fine,” to measure every moment by how put together it looks. This is permission. Permission to be messy, to not have answers, to rebuild in the middle of things. And somehow, that honesty is the only way forward.✨
Ellen, I love this post! Thank you! We all need regular reminders that we will never have our shit completely together; and that's OK.
I am 76. Just when I think I have it together in important ways, something will happen to throw me off track. Sometimes it's some apparently small thing.
This year (aside from the shitty situation overall in the US!), it was getting an early breast cancer for the first time. I am doing OK, but dealing with this has taken a lot of energy.
This felt like a giant permission slip to exhale. There’s so much pressure to present a polished life, when the truth is that most of us are just doing our best to navigate the messy, bumpy, beautifully imperfect parts. Revealing our real selves can feel terrifying, but it’s also such a relief. It's a kind of liberation we don’t realize we’ve been craving until we finally allow it. Thank you for the reminder that we don’t have to pretend to be perfect to be worthy.
Last time you posted, Ellen, I commented. After I finished my comments and posted it, I realized I had posted yet another version of "everything is great, I'm F.I.N.E., nothing to see here." I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Maybe a bit of both. In reality, I'm working on it. I've made some solid steps to being better, yes, but who am I kidding? I am a mess most days. I still think I need to have the perfect, clean, organized home I used to have. I still think I should look perfect every day, when actually many days I don't manage to even wash my face. I still think I should be that friend or wife who endlessly gives and gives. But, part of me just doesn't care to be that "perfect" woman I tried to be all my life anymore. I revel in the days I say, "Yup, a mess." and I'm okay with it. I'm a work in progress (although I hate that performative word "work"). I will be partly or largely a mess until the day I die. And it's okay. Even when I rail against it, I'm okay.
I loved reading this - thank you for sharing! I particularly loved "when we believe we're supposed to have all the answers, we stop asking questions." That has spurred me to turn into a piece to write about - thank you!! :) Society measures and expectation can be a fascinating beast. I have admired the women who authentically walk their paths - often off the beaten track and the road less travelled.
Thank you for sharing such wise words! I haven’t been pretending, but have been worried about my attitude being “too much.” Most of my posts seem to mention grief. And now My creativity is in deep freeze. My sense of humor has life-threatening congestion. Your words shifted my perspective—just a little, but it’s a good start.
Me too, Liz. I'm almost 80. In my 70s, I gave myself permission to stop dying my hair, to stop plucking my eyebrows, to stop wearing makeup, to say, "no" more, to retire, to stop doing some of the things I was doing and to start doing new ones ... I totally renegotiated this 7th decade. I've been more honest with those who had me on a pedestal, cause it's tough for therapists to have real friends ... and the adventure continues!
This is wonderful read. I'm a late 60's kid who is hitting 60 next year.
I remember the days of women being sold you can have it all. The problem isnt having it all... it's realizing that often the ALL is at different times. Not all at once.
Good grief... why do we think we are failing when we arent holding down the full time, high powered career, being a fully present parent, loving partner, good daughter, best friend... Yes, I've been all of this, but I doubt I did them at 100% all at the same time.
Life is messy. Its ok to let things go... I too eat cereal sometimes... not bc I have an important job any more, but I do have a physical one... I get tired. And then all the housework, shopping, gardening etc falls on me bc my partner is Ill. I can't keep propping up a son who has addiction/anger issues. I don't see my friends enough, I haven't mopped the floors for a week, I have a few dishes in the sink.
But.
I realized, finally, I need boundaries and to be ok saying no. When it gets too much? I "man cave" and withdraw from as much as I can. I don't answer my phone.
And, I still find it hard to ask for help.
But, letting stuff slide for a bit? Its human. Not failing.
Ahhh yes, performance acting I have found out is so exhausting in every way shape or form and I’m not doing it anymore!! What a thrill it is to finally be honest to myself. Once again your timing for open discussion on this topic is on point.. Bless.
Thank you for your words, they're like a warm cup of tea on a cold December day.
I left my job at 45, at the peak of my career, because I was getting sick and felt it no longer had any meaning for me. I went back to studying again and now I work as a freelancer illustrator in a country (Spain) where it's not easy for those of us who want to do things differently. And here I am, at 49, feeling quite lost, but trying. Because staying the way I was would have been a thousand times worse. Sometimes I forget that I'm on a journey, that not everything has to be perfect, that I'm trying and that's enough for today.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words; they encourage me to keep going and to see that we're not alone, and we certainly haven't gone crazy.
Thank you for this! I've done my share of performing, and it's often about the state of my house and not being able to relax until it is presentable for "unexpected" company. Lol. Unexpected company never comes. A friend once said that her husband's family is not meticulous [about their house]; they just live. My goodness, what a concept. They. Just. Live. My friend had no idea how freeing that random, apropos-of-nothing statement was for me.
I’ve spent years pretending I had it together, running a life that looked seamless on the outside while my inside was a hurricane no one saw. Reading this, I realized how much of myself I’ve been hiding not from the world, but from me. It’s exhausting to live in the act of “fine,” to measure every moment by how put together it looks. This is permission. Permission to be messy, to not have answers, to rebuild in the middle of things. And somehow, that honesty is the only way forward.✨
Yes. All of this.
Ellen, I love this post! Thank you! We all need regular reminders that we will never have our shit completely together; and that's OK.
I am 76. Just when I think I have it together in important ways, something will happen to throw me off track. Sometimes it's some apparently small thing.
This year (aside from the shitty situation overall in the US!), it was getting an early breast cancer for the first time. I am doing OK, but dealing with this has taken a lot of energy.
This felt like a giant permission slip to exhale. There’s so much pressure to present a polished life, when the truth is that most of us are just doing our best to navigate the messy, bumpy, beautifully imperfect parts. Revealing our real selves can feel terrifying, but it’s also such a relief. It's a kind of liberation we don’t realize we’ve been craving until we finally allow it. Thank you for the reminder that we don’t have to pretend to be perfect to be worthy.
This was exactly what I needed to read and realise! Thank you ❤️
Last time you posted, Ellen, I commented. After I finished my comments and posted it, I realized I had posted yet another version of "everything is great, I'm F.I.N.E., nothing to see here." I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Maybe a bit of both. In reality, I'm working on it. I've made some solid steps to being better, yes, but who am I kidding? I am a mess most days. I still think I need to have the perfect, clean, organized home I used to have. I still think I should look perfect every day, when actually many days I don't manage to even wash my face. I still think I should be that friend or wife who endlessly gives and gives. But, part of me just doesn't care to be that "perfect" woman I tried to be all my life anymore. I revel in the days I say, "Yup, a mess." and I'm okay with it. I'm a work in progress (although I hate that performative word "work"). I will be partly or largely a mess until the day I die. And it's okay. Even when I rail against it, I'm okay.
I loved reading this - thank you for sharing! I particularly loved "when we believe we're supposed to have all the answers, we stop asking questions." That has spurred me to turn into a piece to write about - thank you!! :) Society measures and expectation can be a fascinating beast. I have admired the women who authentically walk their paths - often off the beaten track and the road less travelled.
Thank you for sharing such wise words! I haven’t been pretending, but have been worried about my attitude being “too much.” Most of my posts seem to mention grief. And now My creativity is in deep freeze. My sense of humor has life-threatening congestion. Your words shifted my perspective—just a little, but it’s a good start.
This made me cry. My life in a capsule. Now in my 70s….. the permission to go on!
Me too, Liz. I'm almost 80. In my 70s, I gave myself permission to stop dying my hair, to stop plucking my eyebrows, to stop wearing makeup, to say, "no" more, to retire, to stop doing some of the things I was doing and to start doing new ones ... I totally renegotiated this 7th decade. I've been more honest with those who had me on a pedestal, cause it's tough for therapists to have real friends ... and the adventure continues!
This is wonderful read. I'm a late 60's kid who is hitting 60 next year.
I remember the days of women being sold you can have it all. The problem isnt having it all... it's realizing that often the ALL is at different times. Not all at once.
Good grief... why do we think we are failing when we arent holding down the full time, high powered career, being a fully present parent, loving partner, good daughter, best friend... Yes, I've been all of this, but I doubt I did them at 100% all at the same time.
Life is messy. Its ok to let things go... I too eat cereal sometimes... not bc I have an important job any more, but I do have a physical one... I get tired. And then all the housework, shopping, gardening etc falls on me bc my partner is Ill. I can't keep propping up a son who has addiction/anger issues. I don't see my friends enough, I haven't mopped the floors for a week, I have a few dishes in the sink.
But.
I realized, finally, I need boundaries and to be ok saying no. When it gets too much? I "man cave" and withdraw from as much as I can. I don't answer my phone.
And, I still find it hard to ask for help.
But, letting stuff slide for a bit? Its human. Not failing.
Ahhh yes, performance acting I have found out is so exhausting in every way shape or form and I’m not doing it anymore!! What a thrill it is to finally be honest to myself. Once again your timing for open discussion on this topic is on point.. Bless.
Thank you for your words, they're like a warm cup of tea on a cold December day.
I left my job at 45, at the peak of my career, because I was getting sick and felt it no longer had any meaning for me. I went back to studying again and now I work as a freelancer illustrator in a country (Spain) where it's not easy for those of us who want to do things differently. And here I am, at 49, feeling quite lost, but trying. Because staying the way I was would have been a thousand times worse. Sometimes I forget that I'm on a journey, that not everything has to be perfect, that I'm trying and that's enough for today.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words; they encourage me to keep going and to see that we're not alone, and we certainly haven't gone crazy.
I’m 70 and still not put together. But I’m ok with it
I'm turning 67 soon...still trying to figure out life😄
Thank you for this! I've done my share of performing, and it's often about the state of my house and not being able to relax until it is presentable for "unexpected" company. Lol. Unexpected company never comes. A friend once said that her husband's family is not meticulous [about their house]; they just live. My goodness, what a concept. They. Just. Live. My friend had no idea how freeing that random, apropos-of-nothing statement was for me.
This is so spot on, thank you ❤️
Thank you for this 💖 It truly resonated!