The Cost of Having a Voice: What Women Pay for Not Playing Nice

What Happens When You're Not a Good Girl

I was 22 when my grandfather overheard me tell my boyfriend about something I didn’t like.

He pulled me aside and said, “You will never keep a boyfriend if you act like this.”

I can still hear his voice. Those words sent an arrow through my heart.

This is how it starts for girls. The conditioning. Be agreeable. Don’t make waves. Smile when you’re uncomfortable. Apologize when you’re right.

The punishment for breaking these rules? Everything.

The underwritten rules of the corporate world

When I shared my last post, the comments were full of stories about women getting fired for not following the underwritten rules. Not kissing ass, basically.

I’ve been fired at least five times in my career. The official reasons varied—too difficult, too outspoken, not a team player. But it was always the same thing underneath.

One time really stuck with me.

I was working as a therapist in a hospital outpatient program for adolescent substance abuse. Something came up where I had to make a quick judgment call. I did what I thought was right, and it turned out I was correct.

The next day, when my boss questioned me about it, I explained my reasoning. I didn’t apologize. I didn’t do the whole “I’m so sorry, you’re right, I should have checked with you first” performance she was expecting.

She fired me.

My colleagues privately told me I did the right thing. But it wasn’t about right or wrong. It was a power struggle, and I lost because I wouldn’t bend.

I don’t regret it, even though it cost me.

The gender difference

Here’s the thing we all know: if a man had handled that situation exactly the same way, he wouldn’t have been fired.

He would have been seen as “showing initiative.” As “leadership material.” As someone with “strong clinical judgment.”

I can already hear the men in the comments when this posts. The defensiveness. The “not all men”.

I don’t give a fuck.

Research backs this up. A 2018 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that women who exhibit dominant behavior face social and economic penalties that men don’t experience. They’re seen as “difficult” while men are seen as “assertive.”

Another study from Yale found that when women negotiate for themselves, they’re perceived as “too aggressive” and less likely to be hired. Men who negotiate the same way? They’re just doing business.

The cost of this for women is that it becomes personal, leading to people-pleasing behavior.

Every time we speak up and face consequences, we internalize a message: Your truth isn’t worth the trouble it causes.

Less to lose

Something I’ve noticed. Women in midlife seem more willing to break the rules.

Is it our brains changing? Partly. There’s research about how declining estrogen during perimenopause and menopause affects the parts of our brain that regulate emotional responses and social behavior. We care less about what others think.

But I think it’s also this: middle-aged women have less to lose.

Or, we’ve already lost some of what young women are desperately trying to hold onto.

The promise of being liked. The hope that playing by the rules will eventually pay off.

By middle age, we’ve seen that contract for what it is.

A 24-year-old woman who refuses to be “a good girl” might lose her job. That’s catastrophic when you’re young and still building your career, when you haven’t learned yet that you can survive being fired for telling the truth.

But a 50-year-old woman who gets fired for speaking up? She knows she’ll be okay. She’s survived worse.

The hidden costs

I’m not saying young women should risk their jobs unnecessarily. The system is designed to silence women early and often. And for many young women, their survival does depend on being agreeable.

But here’s what I’ve learned after being fired five times and surviving every single one:

The cost of silence is higher than the cost of speaking.

Not immediately. But over time, the weight of stuffing emotions and suppressed thoughts becomes unbearable.

You can lose your job. You can lose your grandfather’s approval. You can lose the boyfriend who needed you to be smaller.

But you can’t afford to lose yourself. That’s the one thing you won’t recover from.

When nobody is watching

The timing is weird. Just when women reach the age where they’re ready to stop playing by the rules, society tells us we’re invisible.

Maybe that invisibility is what finally gives us permission.

When you’re no longer trying to be seen as attractive, as accommodating, as safe, you’re free to be more yourself. To be difficult. To be right, even when someone else needs you to be wrong.

My grandfather died many moons ago. I never got to tell him that I kept my voice and lost the boyfriend, and it was the best trade I ever made.

Sometimes I think about what I’d say to my 22-year-old self.

You’re going to get fired. Multiple times. For doing the right thing. For not apologizing when you shouldn’t have to.

And you’re going to be okay.

Because every time you choose your truth over their comfort, you’re practicing staying true to yourself even when it costs you something.

The bill comes due either way. You can pay it now, in lost jobs and disapproval. Or, you can pay it later, in regret and resentment.

I know which one I’d choose again.

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