Wilde: "Here’s what I see in my practice, over and over: " What practice? I can't see that in your bio but maybe I've looked in the wrong place. I knew instantly when I saw her photo what scene you were talking about. Probably one of the most memorable in the history of cinema! And you're so right. My experience in my own life and in the lifes of 100+ interviews I've given over the past three decades, indicates that it's typically in midlife when we women start thinking of what we really want for ourselves. This is so important to write about. Great article and so well written. Blue💙
"The tragedy isn’t that Harry couldn’t tell the difference. The tragedy is that we live in a world where Sally learned to perform in the first place." Amen to this. All of it. I'm exhausted from all the people-pleasing.
Another great article! I shared your last one with many of my friends. They all loved it as well! We are all in our 70s. I also shared it with my daughter who’s in her late 40s but she is already strong and has the hang of it! It makes me feel like I did something right raising her! Keep these articles coming as they are so needed!
Another terrific piece which I'm sharing! Though I think you have it a bit wrong about the elderly woman - who is actually the director's mother, and was simply an extra and ad-libbed that fantastic line. I don't think she's saying she wants the fake: she's just making a joke that the pastrami sandwich must be so delicious it's given Sally an orgasm.
Faking is tough, because some relationships demand it as the price of the relationship continuing - which might also be something important to you, because they're family. It's a delicate thing, and I find myself no longer willing to fake, but at least I'm no longer faking myself - and I'm removing the performance bit by bit so as to keep the boat as steady as possible.
You captured this so well, Ellen. I’ve struggled with this too. I've written about it, promised myself I’d stop, only to find the habit still hiding in plain sight. In midlife, the performance feels unbearable, and yet it’s so ingrained that I don’t always notice when I’m doing it. Those people-pleasing patterns have seeped into my bones over the years. I’m trying to slow down and sort the “shoulds” from the “wants,” but it’s not easy. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone in this.
Thank you for this! I am working on this every day and trying to become my authentic self. It is very difficult after so many years of programming and societal pressure. I feel so exhausted from it all, and yet it’s so difficult to change.. truly a struggle. Your writing gives me hope that it is possible.
This is exactly where I am in life right now. Your description eloquently elucidates this dynamic and powerfully affirms those of us in the midst of this transition. Thank you for helping me feel seen and emboldened.
How do I stay authentic to my values when my bosses tell me I need to be ‘aligned’ with how they speak, specifically the language they use, which I find privileged. The hierarchy dictates compliance. How can I voice my opinions in this situation? I can comply if I’m speaking to another privileged person, but I work on the front line where this language can hurt people.
That is the question- are you willing to stop? Yes but at 84 I feel so hard-wired that I wonder if I can. My coming to truth moment started in my late 60s but I realiza how much I still people-please but not as much at the expense of myself….so I have to celebrate that and keep trying. Working on the pause thing to decide what I really want to say or do. Onward! 🤪
Hi Jay. If it's any consolation I find it incredibly inspiring that at 84 you are so open and sharing about how you're continuing to grow. Thank-you for that! X.
The postscript to this is, the "elderly woman" with the iconic line was Director Rob Reiner's mother. She was laughing about this scene more than anyone!
Wilde: "Here’s what I see in my practice, over and over: " What practice? I can't see that in your bio but maybe I've looked in the wrong place. I knew instantly when I saw her photo what scene you were talking about. Probably one of the most memorable in the history of cinema! And you're so right. My experience in my own life and in the lifes of 100+ interviews I've given over the past three decades, indicates that it's typically in midlife when we women start thinking of what we really want for ourselves. This is so important to write about. Great article and so well written. Blue💙
I have a private therapy practice. :-)
Sorry, Ellen, I thought this post was written by Wilde (???) and I was asking him. My mistake. Great article. Blue💙
I am never "doing" thanksgiving again!!!
"The tragedy isn’t that Harry couldn’t tell the difference. The tragedy is that we live in a world where Sally learned to perform in the first place." Amen to this. All of it. I'm exhausted from all the people-pleasing.
Another great article! I shared your last one with many of my friends. They all loved it as well! We are all in our 70s. I also shared it with my daughter who’s in her late 40s but she is already strong and has the hang of it! It makes me feel like I did something right raising her! Keep these articles coming as they are so needed!
Another terrific piece which I'm sharing! Though I think you have it a bit wrong about the elderly woman - who is actually the director's mother, and was simply an extra and ad-libbed that fantastic line. I don't think she's saying she wants the fake: she's just making a joke that the pastrami sandwich must be so delicious it's given Sally an orgasm.
Faking is tough, because some relationships demand it as the price of the relationship continuing - which might also be something important to you, because they're family. It's a delicate thing, and I find myself no longer willing to fake, but at least I'm no longer faking myself - and I'm removing the performance bit by bit so as to keep the boat as steady as possible.
So true…Not just for women but can happen the other way around quite easily too.
It gets hard to step away from your comfort the life you know… but that life of people pleasing becomes like a tomb with all four walls closing in
great post
You captured this so well, Ellen. I’ve struggled with this too. I've written about it, promised myself I’d stop, only to find the habit still hiding in plain sight. In midlife, the performance feels unbearable, and yet it’s so ingrained that I don’t always notice when I’m doing it. Those people-pleasing patterns have seeped into my bones over the years. I’m trying to slow down and sort the “shoulds” from the “wants,” but it’s not easy. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone in this.
I’m right there and it’s hitting hard!!
Thank you for this! I am working on this every day and trying to become my authentic self. It is very difficult after so many years of programming and societal pressure. I feel so exhausted from it all, and yet it’s so difficult to change.. truly a struggle. Your writing gives me hope that it is possible.
This is exactly where I am in life right now. Your description eloquently elucidates this dynamic and powerfully affirms those of us in the midst of this transition. Thank you for helping me feel seen and emboldened.
How do I stay authentic to my values when my bosses tell me I need to be ‘aligned’ with how they speak, specifically the language they use, which I find privileged. The hierarchy dictates compliance. How can I voice my opinions in this situation? I can comply if I’m speaking to another privileged person, but I work on the front line where this language can hurt people.
What do you think will result from this?
Freedom and self-respect!!
That’s me
That is the question- are you willing to stop? Yes but at 84 I feel so hard-wired that I wonder if I can. My coming to truth moment started in my late 60s but I realiza how much I still people-please but not as much at the expense of myself….so I have to celebrate that and keep trying. Working on the pause thing to decide what I really want to say or do. Onward! 🤪
Hi Jay. If it's any consolation I find it incredibly inspiring that at 84 you are so open and sharing about how you're continuing to grow. Thank-you for that! X.
Thank you! So nice to be seen and encouraged! Onward ♥️
The postscript to this is, the "elderly woman" with the iconic line was Director Rob Reiner's mother. She was laughing about this scene more than anyone!
Another excellent article, Ellen. We fake it so well that we’re called super heroes. Time to put that shit down and stop performing. So good!