I just finished this piece and wanted to reach out and thank you. It made me smile — not in a dismissive way, but in that deeper, knowing way that comes when someone names something true.
I’m well past midlife now, and what you describe, that moment of being looked through rather than at is something I’ve come to recognize. You gave it language, and that matters.
Your piece brought me back to something I first read years ago by Christine Downing. She wrote about being bumped into by a young man who seemed genuinely startled that she was even there, as if she had appeared out of nowhere. What stayed with her wasn’t the rudeness, but the realization: she had, in some way, become invisible.
At the time, I read it as an idea. Now I read it as experience.
And then more recently I came across Kelly Boesch’s animation about aging — and what a gift that is. There’s something in the way she captures aging that feels almost magical, as if invisibility isn’t loss, but a kind of transformation. A shift in where the light falls.
Your piece, Kelly’s work, and Downing’s words all seem to be in conversation with each other and with those of us living through this. There’s grief in it, yes. But also, as you so beautifully point out, a strange and unexpected freedom.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately about what it means not just to disappear in the eyes of others, but to reappear to ourselves. To step out of performance and into something quieter, more honest.
So, thank you for naming it, for writing it, and for giving it shape in a way that feels both real and, oddly, hopeful.
This is so very true. At 74, I wear what fits me — and some may think the style is too young. But it matches my identity, I’m presenting on the outside who I am inside. I do not hide. I don’t follow any so-called rules. I’m not concerned about being age-appropriate. And I don’t apologize for it. Society doesn’t make it easy, but I think it’s very important that we stay true to ourselves and love that person. A great message you are providing here.
I'm very pleased to say I am loving NOT being stared at; not being harassed for having a "nice ass" or great tits; not having to dress to please anyone but myself! I once felt that losing the "publicly approved" me would hurt but instead I like being invisible because i get away with so much more than I ever could before. Being invisible has many more possibilities than being constantly "watched" ever could.
I’m glad I’ve had the experience of being a black women living in predominantly white areas. So I’m not suddenly experiencing a sudden drop off in attention in middle age. People have *always* looked through me. And it’s not like I’m easy to miss. I think it’s because my presence is inconvenient to certain people. And I imagine this is what is at play when you talk about your experience.
Not knowing what to wear out of their own closet is the invisible pivot point most women don't have language for yet. The body changed, yes. But the role changed. The audience changed. And suddenly the entire wardrobe feels like it belongs to someone else.
What you're describing here is what I call aesthetic regulation in real time. The culture stops seeing you, so you start pre-emptively erasing yourself through what you wear. Neutrals. "Age-appropriate." Quieter.
Because if you can't be seen anyway, why risk being judged? Looking forward to going deeper on this with you this week. The invisibility you are describing doesn't just live in rooms.. it lives in closets too ♥️
Yes, perfectly described. I really notice it when I’m walking on the street with my gorgeous daughter and male heads are spinning looking at her and realizing it’s been quite a while since that happened when I’m by myself!
Insightful and sounds like my total experience with moving into my mid seventies… always in my past years life was a beautiful adventure with no doubts… on top of the world… looking forward to who I am becoming and what will fill my story..☮️💟
these words hit slammed home to me, as they unfolded further I became present and quite in harmony with each new unfolding point. All recognizable, all deja-vous. Finally! Someone has captured my sense of being invisible to the world around me!
I was flying through the article; already planning my response… and then… you got there! YES it is finally freeing!!!! It is all the other things; I guess… but honestly for most of my life I was never “ up to high standards” ; I never looked “ wow” except for special occasions that I really had to work at it! Otherwise I always “ cleaned up nice”…but socially and work wise etc… was never really trying to dress or look like … “ something” because … I am a bit outside most boxes. Haha! But yes in line; with servers; and yes with those who might look at me as “ attractive “ who sort of faded away…it is weird at first! But think of all the time and money and mental energy we save by not caring about all that. 😎😎😂. Great article!
Hi Ellen,
I just finished this piece and wanted to reach out and thank you. It made me smile — not in a dismissive way, but in that deeper, knowing way that comes when someone names something true.
I’m well past midlife now, and what you describe, that moment of being looked through rather than at is something I’ve come to recognize. You gave it language, and that matters.
Your piece brought me back to something I first read years ago by Christine Downing. She wrote about being bumped into by a young man who seemed genuinely startled that she was even there, as if she had appeared out of nowhere. What stayed with her wasn’t the rudeness, but the realization: she had, in some way, become invisible.
At the time, I read it as an idea. Now I read it as experience.
And then more recently I came across Kelly Boesch’s animation about aging — and what a gift that is. There’s something in the way she captures aging that feels almost magical, as if invisibility isn’t loss, but a kind of transformation. A shift in where the light falls.
Your piece, Kelly’s work, and Downing’s words all seem to be in conversation with each other and with those of us living through this. There’s grief in it, yes. But also, as you so beautifully point out, a strange and unexpected freedom.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately about what it means not just to disappear in the eyes of others, but to reappear to ourselves. To step out of performance and into something quieter, more honest.
So, thank you for naming it, for writing it, and for giving it shape in a way that feels both real and, oddly, hopeful.
Warmly,
Don
Don, thank you for your beautiful and kind words.
I dress like a 90’s grunge slacker nerd 👍🏼 don’t like it? don’t look at me 🤗
This is so very true. At 74, I wear what fits me — and some may think the style is too young. But it matches my identity, I’m presenting on the outside who I am inside. I do not hide. I don’t follow any so-called rules. I’m not concerned about being age-appropriate. And I don’t apologize for it. Society doesn’t make it easy, but I think it’s very important that we stay true to ourselves and love that person. A great message you are providing here.
I'm very pleased to say I am loving NOT being stared at; not being harassed for having a "nice ass" or great tits; not having to dress to please anyone but myself! I once felt that losing the "publicly approved" me would hurt but instead I like being invisible because i get away with so much more than I ever could before. Being invisible has many more possibilities than being constantly "watched" ever could.
I’m glad I’ve had the experience of being a black women living in predominantly white areas. So I’m not suddenly experiencing a sudden drop off in attention in middle age. People have *always* looked through me. And it’s not like I’m easy to miss. I think it’s because my presence is inconvenient to certain people. And I imagine this is what is at play when you talk about your experience.
❤️❤️💕… sending you a big hug.
This hit hard, Ellen! As always.
Not knowing what to wear out of their own closet is the invisible pivot point most women don't have language for yet. The body changed, yes. But the role changed. The audience changed. And suddenly the entire wardrobe feels like it belongs to someone else.
What you're describing here is what I call aesthetic regulation in real time. The culture stops seeing you, so you start pre-emptively erasing yourself through what you wear. Neutrals. "Age-appropriate." Quieter.
Because if you can't be seen anyway, why risk being judged? Looking forward to going deeper on this with you this week. The invisibility you are describing doesn't just live in rooms.. it lives in closets too ♥️
Yes, perfectly described. I really notice it when I’m walking on the street with my gorgeous daughter and male heads are spinning looking at her and realizing it’s been quite a while since that happened when I’m by myself!
Insightful and sounds like my total experience with moving into my mid seventies… always in my past years life was a beautiful adventure with no doubts… on top of the world… looking forward to who I am becoming and what will fill my story..☮️💟
The point was to keep you second-guessing.
This is such a powerful article, that's speaking the truth of our culture. The sooner we understand this, the sooner we get to be free.
For myself, as a black woman, I see a lot of what you're talking about in this article that I actually experienced my whole entire life.
We all need to talk about this and acknowledge the realities of our lived experiences.
It is never ever really about us.
❤️❤️❤️
these words hit slammed home to me, as they unfolded further I became present and quite in harmony with each new unfolding point. All recognizable, all deja-vous. Finally! Someone has captured my sense of being invisible to the world around me!
I was flying through the article; already planning my response… and then… you got there! YES it is finally freeing!!!! It is all the other things; I guess… but honestly for most of my life I was never “ up to high standards” ; I never looked “ wow” except for special occasions that I really had to work at it! Otherwise I always “ cleaned up nice”…but socially and work wise etc… was never really trying to dress or look like … “ something” because … I am a bit outside most boxes. Haha! But yes in line; with servers; and yes with those who might look at me as “ attractive “ who sort of faded away…it is weird at first! But think of all the time and money and mental energy we save by not caring about all that. 😎😎😂. Great article!