Honestly, I have no idea how I found you but every time I read one of your emails, I feel like you are writing them just for me! Like you know exactly where I am in life right now. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for breaking down why I don’t give a shit about most things any longer, why my husband is confused about why I am no longer a yes girl and why I have pain and brain fog and so much much more going on right now. It’s such a relief that I am just a normal woman who is tired of performing and getting nothing in return except thanks from my daughters. Merry Christmas and thank you again ♥️🎄
I'm 41 and deep in perimenopause (actively on HRT) and it is massively refreshing to hear, well, that this is normal! I feel like a different version of myself every day & all I want is my self-stability back. I try to remind myself that this transition is temporary & I'll be an even better/healthier version of myself when I get to post-menopause. For now, every day is a learning experience haha
I can no longer tolerate (and have not, for some time) abusive, bullying communication from my older siblings. I'm so done. It's not that I'm not grieving the family I wish I had, but it's just clear to me now that the relationship I want is not our reality. Staying in our toxic dynamic is no longer an option - so I feel sad, but also incredibly free.
Things I can no longer tolerate...men. or more.correctly I guess, patriarchy and what it has done to women, men,and the world. How did we ever let them take over and subjugate the feminine?
Your wisdom is profound. Why does no one else talk about this? Never mind that question. I am simply grateful that you do and you awaken a new hope in me that I really am not losing my mind or my values, but actually framing my values in a much healthier way.
The thing that is no longer tolerable for me is people telling lies, bald faced, in my face lies. Own your truth or get out of my way. This is simple respect.
Another thing I have noticed as I've aged is that I am more honest with myself. I'll admit I can't tolerate something or that I am not willing to do what you're asking. If you can't allow me space to be who I am I do not want you in my life. Whether it is work, friendships, romantic relationships or every day interactions. I never set out to be rude, abrupt or uncompromising, but if you aren't willing to hear what I'm saying I need, or the item I want to purchase, or don't send the missionaries to my door once a week...whatever it is then I have no use for you. Share with me, laugh with me, ask me questions, but give me the respect of hearing my boundaries. I will do the same for you.
Thank you Ellen, so amazed at the incredible messages and information you provide us. This article I have particularly resonated with as I’ve lived my whole life trying to please every single person near and dear to me and all those extraneous people who didn’t give a shit also. It just makes me pissed with myself that I have allowed it to happen for nigh on 60 plus years. Being adopted and wanting to fit in, that’s where it all started. Ok, so enough about that, no use rehashing what has been and on with what I can do about the ‘fucks me off’ stuff.
I got married when I was 54, he was 60. First marriage for both of us, no kids and no baggage. I always thought I was an extrovert and made friends so easily but now I realise I’m actually an introvert. I am really drilling down on finding my truth and with that the most furious rage I have never experienced before because I’ve held so much hurt inside. My dear husband is hearing that rage now where I just spew out all the obscenities that I’ve swallowed for years. Luckily he’s a strong man with great values, is totally loyal and recognises which buttons not to push and that is the ‘don’t fuck with me’ button!!
Good grief, this is my first time for sharing … won’t be the last and thank you again.
WOW this is such an awesome article and so helpful. I can't tolerate a lot of things, technology that doesn't work very well, ads on tv, too many remotes just to watch something on tv, unclear communication, a husband who agrees on certain things and then continues to do them, doctors that do not have time for you and just want to give you a pill, overly complicated processes on the computer, politics that doesn't work, living in a country that is on a constant election cycle and doesn't want to discuss world wide concerns and so many more things I can't think of at the moment.
I am 73 and can relate to all of this. I thought it was just because I’m a highly sensitive person, but now I see there is much more to it. I have no tolerance for loud restaurants or bars and that’s all my husband wants to do for entertainment. The TV drives me crazy so I stay in my room. We knew each other in college and reconnected after my first husband died. I am different now. He is not. My tolerance for BS is about zero. I would love to make some major changes but my age and fear of not having enough money keep me here. Thank you so much for this. So many women struggle in silence and are treated like we are mentally ill, which we are not. We are just fed up and worn out. I never took any hormones during menopause. My sister did and got breast cancer. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know what the science is about this now, but I would think long and hard about it before taking it. Just my opinion.
I feel too 'young' to be checking all these boxes, but here I am and I arrived on time. Fascinating to read the science behind this. This is what a spiritual awakening feels like and what happened to me at 51 ish. Now I can see the science behind it all, which I love. What I won't tolerate anymore? Dressing my life up for other people. I ripped and shredded my life back to what I wanted it to look like. And the best, saying NO. People, places and things.
I just moved across the country, the whole other side, just for the shear adventure to see what it's like. Why would I stay in a place where I occasionally see family on those once in a blue moon moments? Give me more "fuck yes" moments! or what I really say, "tits out". lol No one wants to see that, but it's a wildly freeing feeling of adventure. Tits Out ladies!!
THIS. YES. And the comments are spot on. Thank you for writing about the chemistry behind it and putting real language to what so many of us are experiencing. I’m running very low on fucks these days, and the ones I have left? I’m saving for myself.
I just wrote launched a book about the transitions of midlife, and it’s wild how many women and experts are describing the same shift you’re naming here in real life!
Also, the best part: we don’t need a permission slip to delete anything.
So. Much. This. I’ve been the peacemaker for everyone, everywhere, my whole life. It’s exhausting and irritating and ridiculously frustrating that I’ve spent so much time doing it.
I can’t peacefully do it any longer. I’m 53 and my aunts and uncles are in their 60’s and 70’s. They are grown a$$ adults. Their crap is their crap to deal with, and it’s not my responsibility to make everyone be okay. It’s taken me until this year to figure that out.
No more fucks to give. Their happiness is not my responsibility. Mine is.
Honestly, I have no idea how I found you but every time I read one of your emails, I feel like you are writing them just for me! Like you know exactly where I am in life right now. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for breaking down why I don’t give a shit about most things any longer, why my husband is confused about why I am no longer a yes girl and why I have pain and brain fog and so much much more going on right now. It’s such a relief that I am just a normal woman who is tired of performing and getting nothing in return except thanks from my daughters. Merry Christmas and thank you again ♥️🎄
Thank you for this! I agree that my ability to people please and “think before I speak, to support others” is waning, especially at the office.
Thanks. I now understand my wife a little better :-)
This.is.ME!
I think I’m experiencing this now and I’m 39. I’ve definitely had multiple ego deaths. But I could never go back to people pleasing fawner me.
I'm 41 and deep in perimenopause (actively on HRT) and it is massively refreshing to hear, well, that this is normal! I feel like a different version of myself every day & all I want is my self-stability back. I try to remind myself that this transition is temporary & I'll be an even better/healthier version of myself when I get to post-menopause. For now, every day is a learning experience haha
I can no longer tolerate (and have not, for some time) abusive, bullying communication from my older siblings. I'm so done. It's not that I'm not grieving the family I wish I had, but it's just clear to me now that the relationship I want is not our reality. Staying in our toxic dynamic is no longer an option - so I feel sad, but also incredibly free.
Same situation here - don’t regret it for a second. 🩷
Things I can no longer tolerate...men. or more.correctly I guess, patriarchy and what it has done to women, men,and the world. How did we ever let them take over and subjugate the feminine?
Your wisdom is profound. Why does no one else talk about this? Never mind that question. I am simply grateful that you do and you awaken a new hope in me that I really am not losing my mind or my values, but actually framing my values in a much healthier way.
The thing that is no longer tolerable for me is people telling lies, bald faced, in my face lies. Own your truth or get out of my way. This is simple respect.
Another thing I have noticed as I've aged is that I am more honest with myself. I'll admit I can't tolerate something or that I am not willing to do what you're asking. If you can't allow me space to be who I am I do not want you in my life. Whether it is work, friendships, romantic relationships or every day interactions. I never set out to be rude, abrupt or uncompromising, but if you aren't willing to hear what I'm saying I need, or the item I want to purchase, or don't send the missionaries to my door once a week...whatever it is then I have no use for you. Share with me, laugh with me, ask me questions, but give me the respect of hearing my boundaries. I will do the same for you.
So… replacing estrogen might actually prolong the people-pleasing phase in women?
Thank you Ellen, so amazed at the incredible messages and information you provide us. This article I have particularly resonated with as I’ve lived my whole life trying to please every single person near and dear to me and all those extraneous people who didn’t give a shit also. It just makes me pissed with myself that I have allowed it to happen for nigh on 60 plus years. Being adopted and wanting to fit in, that’s where it all started. Ok, so enough about that, no use rehashing what has been and on with what I can do about the ‘fucks me off’ stuff.
I got married when I was 54, he was 60. First marriage for both of us, no kids and no baggage. I always thought I was an extrovert and made friends so easily but now I realise I’m actually an introvert. I am really drilling down on finding my truth and with that the most furious rage I have never experienced before because I’ve held so much hurt inside. My dear husband is hearing that rage now where I just spew out all the obscenities that I’ve swallowed for years. Luckily he’s a strong man with great values, is totally loyal and recognises which buttons not to push and that is the ‘don’t fuck with me’ button!!
Good grief, this is my first time for sharing … won’t be the last and thank you again.
WOW this is such an awesome article and so helpful. I can't tolerate a lot of things, technology that doesn't work very well, ads on tv, too many remotes just to watch something on tv, unclear communication, a husband who agrees on certain things and then continues to do them, doctors that do not have time for you and just want to give you a pill, overly complicated processes on the computer, politics that doesn't work, living in a country that is on a constant election cycle and doesn't want to discuss world wide concerns and so many more things I can't think of at the moment.
I am 73 and can relate to all of this. I thought it was just because I’m a highly sensitive person, but now I see there is much more to it. I have no tolerance for loud restaurants or bars and that’s all my husband wants to do for entertainment. The TV drives me crazy so I stay in my room. We knew each other in college and reconnected after my first husband died. I am different now. He is not. My tolerance for BS is about zero. I would love to make some major changes but my age and fear of not having enough money keep me here. Thank you so much for this. So many women struggle in silence and are treated like we are mentally ill, which we are not. We are just fed up and worn out. I never took any hormones during menopause. My sister did and got breast cancer. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know what the science is about this now, but I would think long and hard about it before taking it. Just my opinion.
I feel too 'young' to be checking all these boxes, but here I am and I arrived on time. Fascinating to read the science behind this. This is what a spiritual awakening feels like and what happened to me at 51 ish. Now I can see the science behind it all, which I love. What I won't tolerate anymore? Dressing my life up for other people. I ripped and shredded my life back to what I wanted it to look like. And the best, saying NO. People, places and things.
I just moved across the country, the whole other side, just for the shear adventure to see what it's like. Why would I stay in a place where I occasionally see family on those once in a blue moon moments? Give me more "fuck yes" moments! or what I really say, "tits out". lol No one wants to see that, but it's a wildly freeing feeling of adventure. Tits Out ladies!!
THIS. YES. And the comments are spot on. Thank you for writing about the chemistry behind it and putting real language to what so many of us are experiencing. I’m running very low on fucks these days, and the ones I have left? I’m saving for myself.
I just wrote launched a book about the transitions of midlife, and it’s wild how many women and experts are describing the same shift you’re naming here in real life!
Also, the best part: we don’t need a permission slip to delete anything.
So. Much. This. I’ve been the peacemaker for everyone, everywhere, my whole life. It’s exhausting and irritating and ridiculously frustrating that I’ve spent so much time doing it.
I can’t peacefully do it any longer. I’m 53 and my aunts and uncles are in their 60’s and 70’s. They are grown a$$ adults. Their crap is their crap to deal with, and it’s not my responsibility to make everyone be okay. It’s taken me until this year to figure that out.
No more fucks to give. Their happiness is not my responsibility. Mine is.