My marriage collapsed when I had a baby and refused to emotionally take care of my husband. I felt that it was his turn to do that for me and I kept telling him I needed more emotional support until one day he turned around to me in couples counselling and said: but how does that look like practically? And then kept telling me that I needed to help him to help me. I was done.
So much truth here that resonates! Literally sums up my entire life, since my earliest childhood memories. But last year, after so much stress l almost fell into a hole I couldn’t climb out of, something truly changed. And now, age 46, I’ve promised myself to stop putting my own needs last. Such a revelation. What a ride 🎢
I’m so glad I found places on the internet that made me aware of this trend, because I am 32, but I don’t ever intend to be the person with this unpaid job. My peace is too valuable. Thanks for this article.
I've been for long the emotional care taker for my mum and grandma. Managing their anxieties. It took time, knowledge, awareness and a good support network of partner and friends to grow my own wings. We live in a world where we have access to networks, opinions, stories of others, where we read and learn about self awareness and emancipate from early learned behavior by recognizing empowerment in articles like that. Thats the upside of worldwide connection by internet, the access to knowledge and peer groups far beyond what was accessible before. After growing wings I had to learn to be non judging, not angry, not mad. Gives me peace. More and more.
Wowzers. I wasn’t expecting to resonate so hard with this. I’ve been having midlife therapy and this is exactly the first thing I’ve been learning, but I think I needed to hear it again. It’s such an engrained habit, and so invisible. You’re not responsible for other people’s emotional state. It’s a switch, moving to prioritising one’s own needs and wants, when you’re not accustomed to it. But I’m here to learn how to do it.
Amen to every word of this!! At age 60, I still catch myself people pleasing, but I’m better than ever since I acknowledged this unsustainable way of living!
Roshi Joan Halifax, “Helping, fixing, and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.”
Ohhhhh, chief emotional officer is IT.
I'm now transitioning to chief expression officer. I'm expressing myself. Everywhere. Deal with it.
Oh my gosh is this an oath or what.
These days I live alone and only spend time around people who emotionally regulate themselves.
I cannot be around people who expect me to be the peace keeper or the social glue.
I was deeply parentified.
It doesn't really work for me to be around those who offload and don't take responsibility for their emotions.
I have a strict "I am only responsible for my emotions" rule these days.
Recently I decided to take a step back from a new friend who was leaning on me and seemed to slip into entitlement over this role.
I was tiptoeing.
I realised what was going on.
This may sound a little black and white.
I have kept many friends through setting more boundaries. They have stuck around.
Some haven't.
That's okay with me.
My marriage collapsed when I had a baby and refused to emotionally take care of my husband. I felt that it was his turn to do that for me and I kept telling him I needed more emotional support until one day he turned around to me in couples counselling and said: but how does that look like practically? And then kept telling me that I needed to help him to help me. I was done.
So much truth here that resonates! Literally sums up my entire life, since my earliest childhood memories. But last year, after so much stress l almost fell into a hole I couldn’t climb out of, something truly changed. And now, age 46, I’ve promised myself to stop putting my own needs last. Such a revelation. What a ride 🎢
True too lengthy, Simply stop being an expert about everyone's feelings but your own. You're only responsible for your own feelings. Let go!
great post, thank you!
I’m so glad I found places on the internet that made me aware of this trend, because I am 32, but I don’t ever intend to be the person with this unpaid job. My peace is too valuable. Thanks for this article.
I've been for long the emotional care taker for my mum and grandma. Managing their anxieties. It took time, knowledge, awareness and a good support network of partner and friends to grow my own wings. We live in a world where we have access to networks, opinions, stories of others, where we read and learn about self awareness and emancipate from early learned behavior by recognizing empowerment in articles like that. Thats the upside of worldwide connection by internet, the access to knowledge and peer groups far beyond what was accessible before. After growing wings I had to learn to be non judging, not angry, not mad. Gives me peace. More and more.
66 and still actively cycling into and out of a successful practice.
Wowzers. I wasn’t expecting to resonate so hard with this. I’ve been having midlife therapy and this is exactly the first thing I’ve been learning, but I think I needed to hear it again. It’s such an engrained habit, and so invisible. You’re not responsible for other people’s emotional state. It’s a switch, moving to prioritising one’s own needs and wants, when you’re not accustomed to it. But I’m here to learn how to do it.
Such a beautiful, true description of my life. I had to share. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t or didn’t.
Amen to every word of this!! At age 60, I still catch myself people pleasing, but I’m better than ever since I acknowledged this unsustainable way of living!
Thanks so much for this. It perfectly describes the fedupness I’ve experienced in my 56th year.
Closing up shop over here. Not quite there but I'm quiet quitting in the interim.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Roshi Joan Halifax, “Helping, fixing, and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.”