Beautifully written, and very relatable. I felt like this throughout my marriage, feeling like I was being accommodated. The “Four Horsemen” (Gottman reference) were also present in the marriage.
But after 10+ years of feeling like my soul was being drained, light dimmed, a whispering voice came to me and said, “I don’t want to die.” It wasn’t a dramatic moment, just a deep feeling coming from the depths of my soul. One of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make thus far in my life was get a divorce, but it was well worth the pain of leaving vs. the pain of staying. Here’s to healing. ❤️🩹
This lands with a quiet thud in the chest—the kind that comes from recognition, not surprise.
What you named so clearly is the loneliness of being handled rather than held. Accommodation can look so reasonable, so civilized, that it takes years to realize it required a slow erasure of self. Nothing overtly wrong… and yet something vitally missing.
I’m especially struck by “accommodated into invisibility.” That phrase captures what so many women were taught to normalize: peace over presence, stability over aliveness, gratitude over truth. When wanting to be known gets mislabeled as “too much,” we learn to shrink our bids for connection until they barely register.
The distinction you draw—between someone noticing your pain and someone feeling it with you—is the heart of it. Love isn’t efficient. It’s curious. It disrupts. It leans in.
Thank you for naming this with such clarity and compassion. For giving language to an experience many have lived but couldn’t quite articulate. And for the reminder that wanting more than accommodation isn’t selfish—it’s human.
This isn’t a call to burn things down. It’s a call to wake up. And sometimes, that changes everything.
I’m in this very spot at 57. I couldn’t figure out why I’m so empty and lonely all the time. But this is it. I want to get out. I don’t have any confidence that my coward of a husband of 24 years can actually love me like I deserve. I don’t want to make a rash decision, but I have lived more years unhappy than I have left in my life. My clock is ticking and time to make myself happy is running out.
This is such a powerful statement about the ways we abandon ourselves because what we truly desire feels out of reach. I see this happen to women who leave chaotic relationships and find stability in new relationships with men who don’t truly see them. The safety of peace feels more important than being deeply loved. Thank you for putting words to this kind of loneliness.
Left my husband of 28 years last July - had reared five kids and him and was totally burnt out. No one really truly saw me. He is utterly devastated now I e gone, is desperately trying to draw me back but I’m just enjoying my independence so much I don’t think k I can ever give that up again for anyone
In many relationships these days it goes beyond being accommodated to being tolerated and my observation is that many couples are together out of financial necessity
This piece of work literally describes my 30 year marriage with my ex. Every bit of this was my life with him and leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was soul crushing but my physical body was shrinking due to chronic emotional stress and drain just trying to stay. Therapy was very helpful for me but this article would’ve helped me speed up the process of doing what I had to do to survive. I found someone who wants a deeper connection with me and truly “sees me.” I am still trying to let go of the anger and resentment with my ex because I did love him so much and never wanted to divorce. Thank you for this article. You have helped me to continue my healing journey. ❤️🩹
What if you're afraid you're the one doing the accommodating? I feel like my husband and I (together 14 years) are both doing this to some extent.
Sometimes I ask him 'what' he did today as an opener to try to find out how it made him feel and why it matters to him. But the answer I get back is so vague and nonspecific that I feel he doesn't want to go deeper. He's unemployed right now, so there is some shame there and I get it. So I don't push. But is that just me prioritizing my own comfort because I don't want to open a can of emotional worms? Or sometimes he starts talking about something so technical that my eyes glaze over and I just want to jump out of the car.
When I'm struggling emotionally (or physically sick) sometimes I just want to be left alone to figure it out. He's actually a really attentive caretaker, but I'm introverted and neurodivergent and too much stimulation can be more of a burden than a comfort. And sometimes I default to leaving him alone at these times too. We both recognize I'm not a "good caretaker." There's a reason I never wanted kids (he didn't either). When he's struggling (a lot, lately), I feel burdened, then guilty about that, then annoyed with the whole thing.
It was this question "Do they know what you’re worried about right now? Not the surface worries about schedules and logistics, but the deeper ones about who you’re becoming and what you want?" that really struck me. I'd have to answer "No," but on both sides. I can guess what he's worried about, but do we actually talk about it? No.
I know I'm doing some accommodating and I feel that maybe he is too. How do you get out of that?
This is a great article! I found it poignant for anyone going through moments of self-discovery.
I'm struck by the concept of subjugation schema, "making yourself smaller to fit someone else's comfortable life." It really hit me. It's a label that really makes you think about the people you surround yourself with.
Great post. I left a 21 year marriage 10 years ago, and so much of this resonates. We are trained/brainwashed to believe that love LOOKS a certain way and fits in a certain box. So we put on masks and lie to fit into the box. It feels forced.But there are many types of love! It took me years to figure this out, but I feel loved when someone sees me at my worst—with all my flaws—and still wants to build a deep relationship. That is love. To be able to be my authentic flawed self and be loved by another is the best.
Beautifully written, and very relatable. I felt like this throughout my marriage, feeling like I was being accommodated. The “Four Horsemen” (Gottman reference) were also present in the marriage.
But after 10+ years of feeling like my soul was being drained, light dimmed, a whispering voice came to me and said, “I don’t want to die.” It wasn’t a dramatic moment, just a deep feeling coming from the depths of my soul. One of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make thus far in my life was get a divorce, but it was well worth the pain of leaving vs. the pain of staying. Here’s to healing. ❤️🩹
A great read. Definitely saw myself in it. Thanks.
This lands with a quiet thud in the chest—the kind that comes from recognition, not surprise.
What you named so clearly is the loneliness of being handled rather than held. Accommodation can look so reasonable, so civilized, that it takes years to realize it required a slow erasure of self. Nothing overtly wrong… and yet something vitally missing.
I’m especially struck by “accommodated into invisibility.” That phrase captures what so many women were taught to normalize: peace over presence, stability over aliveness, gratitude over truth. When wanting to be known gets mislabeled as “too much,” we learn to shrink our bids for connection until they barely register.
The distinction you draw—between someone noticing your pain and someone feeling it with you—is the heart of it. Love isn’t efficient. It’s curious. It disrupts. It leans in.
Thank you for naming this with such clarity and compassion. For giving language to an experience many have lived but couldn’t quite articulate. And for the reminder that wanting more than accommodation isn’t selfish—it’s human.
This isn’t a call to burn things down. It’s a call to wake up. And sometimes, that changes everything.
I’m in this very spot at 57. I couldn’t figure out why I’m so empty and lonely all the time. But this is it. I want to get out. I don’t have any confidence that my coward of a husband of 24 years can actually love me like I deserve. I don’t want to make a rash decision, but I have lived more years unhappy than I have left in my life. My clock is ticking and time to make myself happy is running out.
This is such a powerful statement about the ways we abandon ourselves because what we truly desire feels out of reach. I see this happen to women who leave chaotic relationships and find stability in new relationships with men who don’t truly see them. The safety of peace feels more important than being deeply loved. Thank you for putting words to this kind of loneliness.
Hi Ellen. At 48, I've been through a similar thing as you describe - this year.
And we've built our lives in a remote wilderness area together: making it a bit tricky to organically connect again with others.
In the meantime , we are doing our best to remain supportive of one another.
My first step has been to write my story as ongoing CNF, as is probably similar to other writers reading here.
If there is anything I can do to support this space or your reader-writers, do get in touch.
I'd especially love to read more life in transition stories.
Left my husband of 28 years last July - had reared five kids and him and was totally burnt out. No one really truly saw me. He is utterly devastated now I e gone, is desperately trying to draw me back but I’m just enjoying my independence so much I don’t think k I can ever give that up again for anyone
In many relationships these days it goes beyond being accommodated to being tolerated and my observation is that many couples are together out of financial necessity
Thank you for sharing and putting into words something I have been struggling to articulate.
When does a relationship slide from a partnership to an accommodation?
How does love (and how we share it) shift from an affirmative choice to an expected obligation?
How does a decade or more of accommodation accumulate?
This piece of work literally describes my 30 year marriage with my ex. Every bit of this was my life with him and leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was soul crushing but my physical body was shrinking due to chronic emotional stress and drain just trying to stay. Therapy was very helpful for me but this article would’ve helped me speed up the process of doing what I had to do to survive. I found someone who wants a deeper connection with me and truly “sees me.” I am still trying to let go of the anger and resentment with my ex because I did love him so much and never wanted to divorce. Thank you for this article. You have helped me to continue my healing journey. ❤️🩹
What if you're afraid you're the one doing the accommodating? I feel like my husband and I (together 14 years) are both doing this to some extent.
Sometimes I ask him 'what' he did today as an opener to try to find out how it made him feel and why it matters to him. But the answer I get back is so vague and nonspecific that I feel he doesn't want to go deeper. He's unemployed right now, so there is some shame there and I get it. So I don't push. But is that just me prioritizing my own comfort because I don't want to open a can of emotional worms? Or sometimes he starts talking about something so technical that my eyes glaze over and I just want to jump out of the car.
When I'm struggling emotionally (or physically sick) sometimes I just want to be left alone to figure it out. He's actually a really attentive caretaker, but I'm introverted and neurodivergent and too much stimulation can be more of a burden than a comfort. And sometimes I default to leaving him alone at these times too. We both recognize I'm not a "good caretaker." There's a reason I never wanted kids (he didn't either). When he's struggling (a lot, lately), I feel burdened, then guilty about that, then annoyed with the whole thing.
It was this question "Do they know what you’re worried about right now? Not the surface worries about schedules and logistics, but the deeper ones about who you’re becoming and what you want?" that really struck me. I'd have to answer "No," but on both sides. I can guess what he's worried about, but do we actually talk about it? No.
I know I'm doing some accommodating and I feel that maybe he is too. How do you get out of that?
This is a great article! I found it poignant for anyone going through moments of self-discovery.
I'm struck by the concept of subjugation schema, "making yourself smaller to fit someone else's comfortable life." It really hit me. It's a label that really makes you think about the people you surround yourself with.
How do we know the difference between “I’m just being accommodated” and “I’m expecting this other person to make me feel <fill in blank>”…
Self acceptance
Self worth
Attractive
Healed
???
What if we’re being accommodated bc we’re not really asking for what we want?
Basically…. How do you really know when it’s time to leave?
Great post. I left a 21 year marriage 10 years ago, and so much of this resonates. We are trained/brainwashed to believe that love LOOKS a certain way and fits in a certain box. So we put on masks and lie to fit into the box. It feels forced.But there are many types of love! It took me years to figure this out, but I feel loved when someone sees me at my worst—with all my flaws—and still wants to build a deep relationship. That is love. To be able to be my authentic flawed self and be loved by another is the best.
POWERFUL and yes!!! I waited to long in life to choose me first and not be the 2nd thought. Congratulations to you. Thank you for sharing
It's hard to unlearn.
A powerful, well written and thought provoking piece.