Left my husband of 28 years last July - had reared five kids and him and was totally burnt out. No one really truly saw me. He is utterly devastated now I e gone, is desperately trying to draw me back but I’m just enjoying my independence so much I don’t think k I can ever give that up again for anyone
In many relationships these days it goes beyond being accommodated to being tolerated and my observation is that many couples are together out of financial necessity
This piece of work literally describes my 30 year marriage with my ex. Every bit of this was my life with him and leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was soul crushing but my physical body was shrinking due to chronic emotional stress and drain just trying to stay. Therapy was very helpful for me but this article would’ve helped me speed up the process of doing what I had to do to survive. I found someone who wants a deeper connection with me and truly “sees me.” I am still trying to let go of the anger and resentment with my ex because I did love him so much and never wanted to divorce. Thank you for this article. You have helped me to continue my healing journey. ❤️🩹
What if you're afraid you're the one doing the accommodating? I feel like my husband and I (together 14 years) are both doing this to some extent.
Sometimes I ask him 'what' he did today as an opener to try to find out how it made him feel and why it matters to him. But the answer I get back is so vague and nonspecific that I feel he doesn't want to go deeper. He's unemployed right now, so there is some shame there and I get it. So I don't push. But is that just me prioritizing my own comfort because I don't want to open a can of emotional worms? Or sometimes he starts talking about something so technical that my eyes glaze over and I just want to jump out of the car.
When I'm struggling emotionally (or physically sick) sometimes I just want to be left alone to figure it out. He's actually a really attentive caretaker, but I'm introverted and neurodivergent and too much stimulation can be more of a burden than a comfort. And sometimes I default to leaving him alone at these times too. We both recognize I'm not a "good caretaker." There's a reason I never wanted kids (he didn't either). When he's struggling (a lot, lately), I feel burdened, then guilty about that, then annoyed with the whole thing.
It was this question "Do they know what you’re worried about right now? Not the surface worries about schedules and logistics, but the deeper ones about who you’re becoming and what you want?" that really struck me. I'd have to answer "No," but on both sides. I can guess what he's worried about, but do we actually talk about it? No.
I know I'm doing some accommodating and I feel that maybe he is too. How do you get out of that?
This is a great article! I found it poignant for anyone going through moments of self-discovery.
I'm struck by the concept of subjugation schema, "making yourself smaller to fit someone else's comfortable life." It really hit me. It's a label that really makes you think about the people you surround yourself with.
Great post. I left a 21 year marriage 10 years ago, and so much of this resonates. We are trained/brainwashed to believe that love LOOKS a certain way and fits in a certain box. So we put on masks and lie to fit into the box. It feels forced.But there are many types of love! It took me years to figure this out, but I feel loved when someone sees me at my worst—with all my flaws—and still wants to build a deep relationship. That is love. To be able to be my authentic flawed self and be loved by another is the best.
I certainly relate to your idea of accommodation. I read it as “cold,” “transactional,” lack of passion. But polite, (somewhat) kind and yes, boring.
Still, having been with my spouse 46 years, I’ve experienced moments of what you write about. That’s when I examine my own life beyond marriage and family and identify what I need and then, if possible-go get it: Exercise, a beach walk, intellectual or philosophical discourse, among some.
I often pull my spouse into these areas, which he can accept or reject with no backlash.
Same on his end. He’s more outdoorsy so I now, at 70, carefully choose the activities in which I participate.
Relationships evolve, passion wanes (but still glows in embers), conversations become more frank.
He’s demonstrated he’d be there for me -as I am for him - in times of need.
So, yes, I’ve accommodated at times, as has he. If we drift too far, we throw each a life preserver in the form of talking or sometimes, fighting. But we have always swam back to each other.
So this could describe my marriage of 36 years. But tbh I’m ok with that. This year I was very sick and almost died; I was in hospital for 11 days. My husband was there all day every day. I was so touched and grateful and realized how much he loves me and how fortunate I am. And the thing is, I am 64, in menopause, and even contemplating a relationship with someone else fills me with horror. I don’t need him to hang on my every word and gaze deeply into my eyes. I have friends who listen and at this stage I don’t want anyone to gaze at me! My cats think I am the very best creature ever to walk the earth and they make me feel that all day every day and most of the night too, unfortunately. So there’s that😉
This is so very insightful, thank you for writing it, and I'm glad you're finding happiness in loving yourself first.
I walked from my first marriage after 5 years because I always felt so invisible. My ex's best friend was surprised because he thought he'd really liked being married, but we HAD a marriage - an inanimate thing on a shelf - we didn't DO marriage together. I thought I'd stay happily single for life.
Husband 2 treated me like a miracle, but I started feeling whispers of the same accommodations early on. By then I was in therapy, so I had help risking demanding more. I let this one choose to fight for me and us, and he surprised me by rising to the challenge because we mattered more than my imagination gave him credit for. We did a solid 20 years in therapy separately and together because as two traumatized people, curiosity & trust didn't come naturally to either of us, but it's the best investment we've ever made. I'm glad that in my second marriage I recognized that the impulse to walk away was actually an insistent need for something to change, and I was brave enough to demand it before walking (I still don't think my first husband would have risen to the challenge, because he's only just now getting help). I could never have imagined as a young woman what it would feel like to be this seen and known. There's nothing we can't talk about, nothing that isn't more fun together. The passion has faded, though, as our bodies (e.g. hormones) have aged, but nothing is perfunctory about the intimacy that remains. Nobody is bored or lonely, in any case.
Now I'm that weirdo who writes in every wedding card, "find a good couples therapist NOW to teach you how to navigate conflict and change together!" but I'm old enough not to give a fuck how it's received. we think nothing of giving parenting books to new moms, but not relationship books for newlyweds because it's somehow insulting or bad luck? Pfft! We evolved to live in groups because we need each other to help us figure things out, why do we imagine we can manage our whole biological impulse factory alone?
I agree, except that I also believe there's a time and a place for accommodation. For example, if you haven't prepared your financial future so you can live alone. Or if you're raising small children. Or if you're unemployed. Etc. I think women need to look at the whole picture, which includes boring things like money, housing, extended family, and aging.
I began writing my memoir during COVID. I'm still working on it. I would say I'm at mid-point and blocked. Your essay has planted a seed that has me heading to my computer to rewrite at two chapters. Thank you
Left my husband of 28 years last July - had reared five kids and him and was totally burnt out. No one really truly saw me. He is utterly devastated now I e gone, is desperately trying to draw me back but I’m just enjoying my independence so much I don’t think k I can ever give that up again for anyone
In many relationships these days it goes beyond being accommodated to being tolerated and my observation is that many couples are together out of financial necessity
Thank you for sharing and putting into words something I have been struggling to articulate.
When does a relationship slide from a partnership to an accommodation?
How does love (and how we share it) shift from an affirmative choice to an expected obligation?
How does a decade or more of accommodation accumulate?
This piece of work literally describes my 30 year marriage with my ex. Every bit of this was my life with him and leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was soul crushing but my physical body was shrinking due to chronic emotional stress and drain just trying to stay. Therapy was very helpful for me but this article would’ve helped me speed up the process of doing what I had to do to survive. I found someone who wants a deeper connection with me and truly “sees me.” I am still trying to let go of the anger and resentment with my ex because I did love him so much and never wanted to divorce. Thank you for this article. You have helped me to continue my healing journey. ❤️🩹
What if you're afraid you're the one doing the accommodating? I feel like my husband and I (together 14 years) are both doing this to some extent.
Sometimes I ask him 'what' he did today as an opener to try to find out how it made him feel and why it matters to him. But the answer I get back is so vague and nonspecific that I feel he doesn't want to go deeper. He's unemployed right now, so there is some shame there and I get it. So I don't push. But is that just me prioritizing my own comfort because I don't want to open a can of emotional worms? Or sometimes he starts talking about something so technical that my eyes glaze over and I just want to jump out of the car.
When I'm struggling emotionally (or physically sick) sometimes I just want to be left alone to figure it out. He's actually a really attentive caretaker, but I'm introverted and neurodivergent and too much stimulation can be more of a burden than a comfort. And sometimes I default to leaving him alone at these times too. We both recognize I'm not a "good caretaker." There's a reason I never wanted kids (he didn't either). When he's struggling (a lot, lately), I feel burdened, then guilty about that, then annoyed with the whole thing.
It was this question "Do they know what you’re worried about right now? Not the surface worries about schedules and logistics, but the deeper ones about who you’re becoming and what you want?" that really struck me. I'd have to answer "No," but on both sides. I can guess what he's worried about, but do we actually talk about it? No.
I know I'm doing some accommodating and I feel that maybe he is too. How do you get out of that?
This is a great article! I found it poignant for anyone going through moments of self-discovery.
I'm struck by the concept of subjugation schema, "making yourself smaller to fit someone else's comfortable life." It really hit me. It's a label that really makes you think about the people you surround yourself with.
How do we know the difference between “I’m just being accommodated” and “I’m expecting this other person to make me feel <fill in blank>”…
Self acceptance
Self worth
Attractive
Healed
???
What if we’re being accommodated bc we’re not really asking for what we want?
Basically…. How do you really know when it’s time to leave?
Great post. I left a 21 year marriage 10 years ago, and so much of this resonates. We are trained/brainwashed to believe that love LOOKS a certain way and fits in a certain box. So we put on masks and lie to fit into the box. It feels forced.But there are many types of love! It took me years to figure this out, but I feel loved when someone sees me at my worst—with all my flaws—and still wants to build a deep relationship. That is love. To be able to be my authentic flawed self and be loved by another is the best.
POWERFUL and yes!!! I waited to long in life to choose me first and not be the 2nd thought. Congratulations to you. Thank you for sharing
It's hard to unlearn.
A powerful, well written and thought provoking piece.
Yep! And this is why I left my 6 year relationship. I was tired of being the only person that cared enough to put in any effort.
I certainly relate to your idea of accommodation. I read it as “cold,” “transactional,” lack of passion. But polite, (somewhat) kind and yes, boring.
Still, having been with my spouse 46 years, I’ve experienced moments of what you write about. That’s when I examine my own life beyond marriage and family and identify what I need and then, if possible-go get it: Exercise, a beach walk, intellectual or philosophical discourse, among some.
I often pull my spouse into these areas, which he can accept or reject with no backlash.
Same on his end. He’s more outdoorsy so I now, at 70, carefully choose the activities in which I participate.
Relationships evolve, passion wanes (but still glows in embers), conversations become more frank.
He’s demonstrated he’d be there for me -as I am for him - in times of need.
So, yes, I’ve accommodated at times, as has he. If we drift too far, we throw each a life preserver in the form of talking or sometimes, fighting. But we have always swam back to each other.
So this could describe my marriage of 36 years. But tbh I’m ok with that. This year I was very sick and almost died; I was in hospital for 11 days. My husband was there all day every day. I was so touched and grateful and realized how much he loves me and how fortunate I am. And the thing is, I am 64, in menopause, and even contemplating a relationship with someone else fills me with horror. I don’t need him to hang on my every word and gaze deeply into my eyes. I have friends who listen and at this stage I don’t want anyone to gaze at me! My cats think I am the very best creature ever to walk the earth and they make me feel that all day every day and most of the night too, unfortunately. So there’s that😉
This is so very insightful, thank you for writing it, and I'm glad you're finding happiness in loving yourself first.
I walked from my first marriage after 5 years because I always felt so invisible. My ex's best friend was surprised because he thought he'd really liked being married, but we HAD a marriage - an inanimate thing on a shelf - we didn't DO marriage together. I thought I'd stay happily single for life.
Husband 2 treated me like a miracle, but I started feeling whispers of the same accommodations early on. By then I was in therapy, so I had help risking demanding more. I let this one choose to fight for me and us, and he surprised me by rising to the challenge because we mattered more than my imagination gave him credit for. We did a solid 20 years in therapy separately and together because as two traumatized people, curiosity & trust didn't come naturally to either of us, but it's the best investment we've ever made. I'm glad that in my second marriage I recognized that the impulse to walk away was actually an insistent need for something to change, and I was brave enough to demand it before walking (I still don't think my first husband would have risen to the challenge, because he's only just now getting help). I could never have imagined as a young woman what it would feel like to be this seen and known. There's nothing we can't talk about, nothing that isn't more fun together. The passion has faded, though, as our bodies (e.g. hormones) have aged, but nothing is perfunctory about the intimacy that remains. Nobody is bored or lonely, in any case.
Now I'm that weirdo who writes in every wedding card, "find a good couples therapist NOW to teach you how to navigate conflict and change together!" but I'm old enough not to give a fuck how it's received. we think nothing of giving parenting books to new moms, but not relationship books for newlyweds because it's somehow insulting or bad luck? Pfft! We evolved to live in groups because we need each other to help us figure things out, why do we imagine we can manage our whole biological impulse factory alone?
I agree, except that I also believe there's a time and a place for accommodation. For example, if you haven't prepared your financial future so you can live alone. Or if you're raising small children. Or if you're unemployed. Etc. I think women need to look at the whole picture, which includes boring things like money, housing, extended family, and aging.
I began writing my memoir during COVID. I'm still working on it. I would say I'm at mid-point and blocked. Your essay has planted a seed that has me heading to my computer to rewrite at two chapters. Thank you