The fucks start drying up. The need for approval gets tiring. I felt this shift at 30 and it only deepened from there. Low self-esteem in women wasn't an internal problem, it was installed. By families who praised you for being good and quiet, by relationships that needed you smaller to feel safe. You learned your worth lived outside you, in how well you performed, how little you asked for, how easy you were to be around. And you were so good at it. Then something shifts. The amygdala becomes less reactive, estrogen drops and takes some of the hypervigilance with it, and you finally separate who you are from what people think of you. The woman who stops donating herself isn't selfish, she is done. Shes been waiting a long time to say it. Some people won't cheer when you stop shrinking. They'll call it a phase, a crisis. But staying small so everyone stays comfortable has a cost too. I'm not going back to performing that version of myself. Neither should anyone else.
I am a slow learner was always the message received. It took a catapult down a hill while on a vacation in Mexico and subsequent recovery to wake me up. Your “stack” resonated.
"What if I'm too much?" Perfect. I WAS too much. The day after I sang my Carnegie Hall debut, my husband asked for a divorce. At quite an old age, I'm still fighting short lightning flashes of that feeling, although my career turned out to be successful, but wow! what a fight to continually remind myself that I was more than enough rather than "too much." GREAT essay. Thanks.
Never thought I was playing a survival role - that’s how I feel now - not playing the role feels like I’m playing a role - this helped me a lot - thank you
"Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about: self-esteem in women doesn’t follow a straight line."
I've always thought the chase for increased self-esteem was pointless. "Esteem" is flighty, & inconsistent. Now, increasing self-respect, on the other hand, is a very worthwhile objective. Many people need self-respect. Sometimes I think I have more respect for individuals than they have for themselves.
Pro-tip: It's never "ladylike" to offer the unsolicited advice that someone is in need of self-respect. So, it's handy to bring up the lasting value of self-respect, when the temporary/situational feeling of high self-esteem comes up.
This part really got me: "Yes, some people won’t like it. Not everyone will cheer when you stop shrinking. Some will call it a phase. Some will call it a crisis. Some will get very quiet in a way that feels a lot like disapproval."
I'm dealing with this right now with a friend who I give much more to. Now that I've started calmly expressing my feelings instead of pretending I'm never hurt by her actions, she pulls back. It feels like she was never truly my friend, just a customer to the friendship service I was providing all these years.
I would love to know the secret of making and keeping real, true friends. At this point I would say I also only have one, but they live far away from me.
Sometimes the truth shows up in the most unexpected places, like here. First, I'm a 72 year old guy but I can tell you now, men have a lot of the same "symptoms" that you describe women are going through in midlife. Recently I started learning about the Divine Nature of Masculine and Feminine energy. I always thought they were separate, Masculine for men and Feminine for women. Now I know that's not true. Both reside within us, one a little more dominant than the other obviously creating the man or woman but AS we age, as you reference, something shifts. Thank you for saying it here, Ellen.
I love this! So much truth, and it speaks to my own experience as I’ve aged. It would have been wonderful to know this when I was young and pretty, but living this way at 76 is a gift.
I swear you echo my mind’s sentiments. I wrote loosely about this on my last Substack just a couple days ago. For me it was speaking French when I’m in France. I would avoid it, I didn’t have enough confidence. I wrote that now I give less f@*ks and I can approach a butcher counter, order like I mean it, make a joke and feel confident about it all at age 50. It’s wonderful!!!! I had the confidence to start up my business (see the name) also at age 50. I guess I have my amygdala to thank and I didn’t even know it. Thank you!
The fucks start drying up. The need for approval gets tiring. I felt this shift at 30 and it only deepened from there. Low self-esteem in women wasn't an internal problem, it was installed. By families who praised you for being good and quiet, by relationships that needed you smaller to feel safe. You learned your worth lived outside you, in how well you performed, how little you asked for, how easy you were to be around. And you were so good at it. Then something shifts. The amygdala becomes less reactive, estrogen drops and takes some of the hypervigilance with it, and you finally separate who you are from what people think of you. The woman who stops donating herself isn't selfish, she is done. Shes been waiting a long time to say it. Some people won't cheer when you stop shrinking. They'll call it a phase, a crisis. But staying small so everyone stays comfortable has a cost too. I'm not going back to performing that version of myself. Neither should anyone else.
Thank you so much for such an accurate narrative : ) I love it!
I love this SO much! This came at the perfect time for me, and you gave voice to how I've been feeling. Thank you!
I love this so much. You gave a voice to my exact feelings. Why did I wait so long?
I am a slow learner was always the message received. It took a catapult down a hill while on a vacation in Mexico and subsequent recovery to wake me up. Your “stack” resonated.
Thank you.
"What if I'm too much?" Perfect. I WAS too much. The day after I sang my Carnegie Hall debut, my husband asked for a divorce. At quite an old age, I'm still fighting short lightning flashes of that feeling, although my career turned out to be successful, but wow! what a fight to continually remind myself that I was more than enough rather than "too much." GREAT essay. Thanks.
Yes to this!! In midlife have developed a need to feel seen and heard after years of trying to make myself small and agreeable.
So true. Thank you for putting it out so clearly.
Never thought I was playing a survival role - that’s how I feel now - not playing the role feels like I’m playing a role - this helped me a lot - thank you
“being grateful for things that weren’t good enough.”
"Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about: self-esteem in women doesn’t follow a straight line."
I've always thought the chase for increased self-esteem was pointless. "Esteem" is flighty, & inconsistent. Now, increasing self-respect, on the other hand, is a very worthwhile objective. Many people need self-respect. Sometimes I think I have more respect for individuals than they have for themselves.
Pro-tip: It's never "ladylike" to offer the unsolicited advice that someone is in need of self-respect. So, it's handy to bring up the lasting value of self-respect, when the temporary/situational feeling of high self-esteem comes up.
This part really got me: "Yes, some people won’t like it. Not everyone will cheer when you stop shrinking. Some will call it a phase. Some will call it a crisis. Some will get very quiet in a way that feels a lot like disapproval."
I'm dealing with this right now with a friend who I give much more to. Now that I've started calmly expressing my feelings instead of pretending I'm never hurt by her actions, she pulls back. It feels like she was never truly my friend, just a customer to the friendship service I was providing all these years.
Friendship service--that part.
So how do people make and keep true friends? I know I have one, but I'd like others.
I would love to know the secret of making and keeping real, true friends. At this point I would say I also only have one, but they live far away from me.
So, so true:
“The impatience. The restlessness. The growing sense that you’ve been playing a game that was never designed for you to win.
That’s not a midlife crisis.
That’s your self-worth finally catching up to your actual life.”
It’s also why I started a substack: to remind myself of my voice and to start voting for myself.
Sometimes the truth shows up in the most unexpected places, like here. First, I'm a 72 year old guy but I can tell you now, men have a lot of the same "symptoms" that you describe women are going through in midlife. Recently I started learning about the Divine Nature of Masculine and Feminine energy. I always thought they were separate, Masculine for men and Feminine for women. Now I know that's not true. Both reside within us, one a little more dominant than the other obviously creating the man or woman but AS we age, as you reference, something shifts. Thank you for saying it here, Ellen.
I love this! So much truth, and it speaks to my own experience as I’ve aged. It would have been wonderful to know this when I was young and pretty, but living this way at 76 is a gift.
Way to go! I'm 87 and I identify totally, although I still have to fight the feeling of being "too much." I'm working at it, though....
I swear you echo my mind’s sentiments. I wrote loosely about this on my last Substack just a couple days ago. For me it was speaking French when I’m in France. I would avoid it, I didn’t have enough confidence. I wrote that now I give less f@*ks and I can approach a butcher counter, order like I mean it, make a joke and feel confident about it all at age 50. It’s wonderful!!!! I had the confidence to start up my business (see the name) also at age 50. I guess I have my amygdala to thank and I didn’t even know it. Thank you!