The line I kept coming back to is that low self-esteem was not just an internal flaw. It was installed. That shifts the whole piece from self-help language into something much more structural and honest.
"You didn’t build your identity in a vacuum. You built it in relationship to other people. And some of those people have a stake in you staying exactly where you are."
OOF, Ellen! This is too good. So spot on. Who we have identified as isn't so easy to rise up and change when there are roots holding us down, clinging to who we've reliably been (as it conveniently benefits them)
Yes!! I lived the first 40+ years of my life trying not to be “selfish” toward abusers, manipulators, micromanagers, enablers, etc. I really didn’t even understand the concept of BOUNDARIES until about 45 or so!
You had me at the title, but I loved everything about this piece, Ellen. As I thought about it after finishing, it occurred to me that yes, we do have less fucks to give about things that ate up our brain space when we were younger. But maybe it's not that they disappeared forever - maybe they just shifted. The fucks we gave about being performative for approval shifted to fucks about being authentic to ourselves. The fucks we gave about making ourselves small to fit someone else's ridiculous idea of beauty became fucks about wanting to feel strong in our own bodies. Maybe our fucks just get an upgrade in midlife to ones that feel more like our own.
This really captures the experience of that shift.
What I’ve seen, though, is that it’s not just age or hormones.
It’s that the patterns that kept you monitoring yourself—staying small, staying agreeable, staying oriented around other people—start to lose their hold.
For some women that happens gradually over time.
But it’s also something you can move through intentionally.
You don’t have to wait for midlife to stop overriding yourself.
This is a powerful piece. Also, I often think about how we change midlife and wonder what if our fucks don't die at all. What if they get reshaped until they land on what really matters?!
The funny thing is that this midlife awakening has a scientific name: crystallised intelligence. It is our ability to apply accumulated knowledge, pattern recognition, and hard-won judgement, and research shows it peaks in our 40s and 50s, precisely when society tells us we are past our prime. The research I’m talking about is Peakspan.
ALL true, Ellen, from a 69 year old woman who entered menopause overnight at 39 due to cervical cancer. This essay is wonderful, and so true, it's refreshing. I just LOVE how you've shifted the paradigm of the "poor woman, she's going through 'The Change'" bullshit from years ago. And I LOVE that you call it not a crisis, but a 'recalibration.' Thank you for the 'new and improved' way of understanding what's happening and for being so honest and so funny in the process. I laugh at something in every one of your essays, and that keeps me coming back for more.
I am living this right effing now. The confidence is becoming comfort-even when I am way outside my skillsets and comfort levels. A very validating post-and real as it gets. I hope this finds others like me who think and feel they are on shaky ground. And it’s our ground finally ours…even if it shakes.
“The woman who finally stops donating herself isn't selfish”. So spot on.
Love this, great read. Pleasure to connect! 🤍
The line I kept coming back to is that low self-esteem was not just an internal flaw. It was installed. That shifts the whole piece from self-help language into something much more structural and honest.
Foof this is challenging and I’m here for it. I’m looking for new fucks and that actually feels joyful (with a side of terror).
"You didn’t build your identity in a vacuum. You built it in relationship to other people. And some of those people have a stake in you staying exactly where you are."
OOF, Ellen! This is too good. So spot on. Who we have identified as isn't so easy to rise up and change when there are roots holding us down, clinging to who we've reliably been (as it conveniently benefits them)
Yes!! I lived the first 40+ years of my life trying not to be “selfish” toward abusers, manipulators, micromanagers, enablers, etc. I really didn’t even understand the concept of BOUNDARIES until about 45 or so!
You had me at the title, but I loved everything about this piece, Ellen. As I thought about it after finishing, it occurred to me that yes, we do have less fucks to give about things that ate up our brain space when we were younger. But maybe it's not that they disappeared forever - maybe they just shifted. The fucks we gave about being performative for approval shifted to fucks about being authentic to ourselves. The fucks we gave about making ourselves small to fit someone else's ridiculous idea of beauty became fucks about wanting to feel strong in our own bodies. Maybe our fucks just get an upgrade in midlife to ones that feel more like our own.
This really captures the experience of that shift.
What I’ve seen, though, is that it’s not just age or hormones.
It’s that the patterns that kept you monitoring yourself—staying small, staying agreeable, staying oriented around other people—start to lose their hold.
For some women that happens gradually over time.
But it’s also something you can move through intentionally.
You don’t have to wait for midlife to stop overriding yourself.
Midlife just makes it harder to keep doing it.
Best. Title. Ever.
I’m 46 and I would say my fucks dried up right around the time everything else did. 🤣
Excellent. Thank you.
This is a powerful piece. Also, I often think about how we change midlife and wonder what if our fucks don't die at all. What if they get reshaped until they land on what really matters?!
The funny thing is that this midlife awakening has a scientific name: crystallised intelligence. It is our ability to apply accumulated knowledge, pattern recognition, and hard-won judgement, and research shows it peaks in our 40s and 50s, precisely when society tells us we are past our prime. The research I’m talking about is Peakspan.
I really enjoyed reading this, I feel like I’m going through this transition myself and almost feels like an awakening.
This is a fantastic read! Thank you for sharing!
ALL true, Ellen, from a 69 year old woman who entered menopause overnight at 39 due to cervical cancer. This essay is wonderful, and so true, it's refreshing. I just LOVE how you've shifted the paradigm of the "poor woman, she's going through 'The Change'" bullshit from years ago. And I LOVE that you call it not a crisis, but a 'recalibration.' Thank you for the 'new and improved' way of understanding what's happening and for being so honest and so funny in the process. I laugh at something in every one of your essays, and that keeps me coming back for more.
I am living this right effing now. The confidence is becoming comfort-even when I am way outside my skillsets and comfort levels. A very validating post-and real as it gets. I hope this finds others like me who think and feel they are on shaky ground. And it’s our ground finally ours…even if it shakes.