I enjoyed your article and shared it with friends who appreciate the insights as well. We’re all in our late 60’s and early 70’s and find it just as relevant. Would like to hear these observations also pertain to your older readers to have that named, but know your focus may be more directed to midlife, meaning primarily those in 40’s and 50’s. These truths extend through the aging decades of women. Thank you for your helpful words.
For me, emotional regulation wasn't in check until I started HRT. Before that I was an emotional basket case. Otherwise I do know very well what I'm doing professionally so that's easy to handle. I've got the years of experience and training to meet deadlines under pressure without missing a beat.
This resonated so well with me, I seem to question everything I do more deeply, and feel I am slow at learning everything. when in fact I want to get a deeper understanding than a superficial learning !
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly where my brain was earlier today - catastrophizing and overgeneralizing all over the place. "ruined our lives by moving here" "Things would be better if we had moved somewhere else" "It's always going to be hard" etc etc.
So appreciative of your essays and the time you take to explain how these fluctuating hormones affect our thinking and behavior. AND how we can work with our brains to bring them back to a more stable, more accurate place. I can see it so much more clearly in other people when they're catastrophizing, but it's hard to catch it myself. I will work on this!!! Thank you for all the tools and encouragement!
Ellen - As usual, you nailed it! I am very grateful to have found your infinitely articulate posts, as they validate my experience in every way. A question for you (which may be too specific to answer, but perhaps there are others in a similar situation)... To add to the unfortunate gender tradition of taking care of everything, I (53yo) am the informal caregiver to my husband (61yo) who was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in March 2023. The "opportunity" to share the load was minimal prior to diagnosis; now it's less than zero. I have turned into a walking zombie and am actually concerned that I may never recover. My family and friends are great and helped out a lot in the beginning, but compassion fatigue has set in and I'm mostly on my own (with him). He's on home hospice, so we see the nurse and LSW for 20 minutes every 2 weeks, but that's the extent. No opportunity ($$) for respite care. I recognize this is not a forever situation, so I need some temporary fixes to keep me from totally losing my sh*t with him. Thoughts? Appreciate you more than I can express!
My version of Dollores is named Çhicken. As in: it's okay: we've got this Chicken. (but don't be fooled: she can be quite fearsome). And it's not always narrative for me. Sometimes its intense physiological anxiety that I assume is hormonal as it's not obviously attached to anything.It has been a year when self-acceptance has no longer felt optional, but has gone a long way:>
This rage that happens around the menopause transition doesn’t go away either- it’s like a switch has been flipped, clarity has opened up, agency has been attained, and putting up with people’s crap is no longer an option!
On my 40th birthday, my Mom told me she wished she had a fairy wand she could "boop" me with...to teach me what she now knew at 64...without the struggle. She noted specifically, the "skill" of using your voice, to say your truth, without fear of censure or concern for what others think/react. I turned 60 this year and she is gone...except I hear her voice when I'm struggling to use my own. I'm still listening for her wisdom, if even in my own mind and heart. It has been a year of conflict with my husband when I use my voice. He hears only criticism when I engage with my own perspective and opinions. His best defense then seems an offense. A year of talking to him about my sense of being out-of-sync or our common challenge of timing and re-action. This spring will mark 40 years of (mostly very happy) marriage. A year of feeling like I'm both a reagent and a catalyst...and we are both intermediate molecules with the tension inherent to bring further transformation towards a new existence that resolves the tension and bound energy. A year of feeling like a ghost at work, and saying "no" when requested to take on MORE (because administration fails to act responsibly to staff and ensure we can meet needs of students). A year of becoming aware that I've entered a cave, my cave where shadows play on the walls and Transformation calls my name in foreign languages. The rage? It's real. More Real than the Expectations or Masks or Past Roles and Success. Admittedly, the rage is also fueled by impatience with myself, as I walk an unknown path with an unknown destination, while the journey seems to take me in slow circles...maybe a spiral towards my own center? Learn how to find happiness, joy, confidence in a new Me that I don't yet recognize. I've got a toolbox full of instruments that don't quite fit the need...like standard measures in a metric world. But I like the metric system. It is simple to learn and just as accurate or productive. Just different. The rage? It's a voice that sends a message I should listen to and then...pick up my new tools and patiently dedicate my wisdom to create a new-ish Me that listens to my own voice and walks the spiral path towards...a more grounded Me whose voice is less impatient to be heard (because listening and observing is more peaceful) and paradoxically also less fearful of being misunderstood or censored.
Amazing to have my experience, even the timing of years named, and this tension now at 40 years in, with using the voice your mother wanted for you. We have it now, but it doesn’t go well with the spouse. Your mother shared to use it anyway. We have no other choice and going backwards is not an option to anyone’s peace. Thank you Holly.
So a couple things… physician Gabor Mate talks about working with women and cancer and because they were Caregivers to everyone but themselves they developed cancer.
Thank you, Ellen. Your writing is so very helpful. I'm encouraged to speak my truth without hedging. I will not apologize. I am not the girl I was when I got married 40 years ago. And why should I be? I am grateful to have a husband who shares the load of housework, but it sometimes comes with a dose of martyrdom. And some nagging about what I should be doing and hiw I should be doing it. Time for that conversation.
Most women I know expect too little from the men (and children) in their lives and give too much. We need to rethink our relationships and stop sacrificing ourselves before we erase ourselves. I'm so over it that my body has given up. I literally can't operate like that anymore or I get sick. THAT is information from my body and I am listening. It is hard to deprogram yourself after decades of conditioning!!!
Every single time someone tells the truth like this it helps heal all the guilt and shame I’m experiencing about somehow having even bigger, more intense emotional reactions than I’ve experienced before. And I’ve always been someone who felt things deeply.
I did it, I wrote down my goal! What a huge relief! I feel powerful!
I enjoyed your article and shared it with friends who appreciate the insights as well. We’re all in our late 60’s and early 70’s and find it just as relevant. Would like to hear these observations also pertain to your older readers to have that named, but know your focus may be more directed to midlife, meaning primarily those in 40’s and 50’s. These truths extend through the aging decades of women. Thank you for your helpful words.
For me, emotional regulation wasn't in check until I started HRT. Before that I was an emotional basket case. Otherwise I do know very well what I'm doing professionally so that's easy to handle. I've got the years of experience and training to meet deadlines under pressure without missing a beat.
This resonated so well with me, I seem to question everything I do more deeply, and feel I am slow at learning everything. when in fact I want to get a deeper understanding than a superficial learning !
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly where my brain was earlier today - catastrophizing and overgeneralizing all over the place. "ruined our lives by moving here" "Things would be better if we had moved somewhere else" "It's always going to be hard" etc etc.
So appreciative of your essays and the time you take to explain how these fluctuating hormones affect our thinking and behavior. AND how we can work with our brains to bring them back to a more stable, more accurate place. I can see it so much more clearly in other people when they're catastrophizing, but it's hard to catch it myself. I will work on this!!! Thank you for all the tools and encouragement!
Ellen - As usual, you nailed it! I am very grateful to have found your infinitely articulate posts, as they validate my experience in every way. A question for you (which may be too specific to answer, but perhaps there are others in a similar situation)... To add to the unfortunate gender tradition of taking care of everything, I (53yo) am the informal caregiver to my husband (61yo) who was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in March 2023. The "opportunity" to share the load was minimal prior to diagnosis; now it's less than zero. I have turned into a walking zombie and am actually concerned that I may never recover. My family and friends are great and helped out a lot in the beginning, but compassion fatigue has set in and I'm mostly on my own (with him). He's on home hospice, so we see the nurse and LSW for 20 minutes every 2 weeks, but that's the extent. No opportunity ($$) for respite care. I recognize this is not a forever situation, so I need some temporary fixes to keep me from totally losing my sh*t with him. Thoughts? Appreciate you more than I can express!
Thanks Ellen!
My version of Dollores is named Çhicken. As in: it's okay: we've got this Chicken. (but don't be fooled: she can be quite fearsome). And it's not always narrative for me. Sometimes its intense physiological anxiety that I assume is hormonal as it's not obviously attached to anything.It has been a year when self-acceptance has no longer felt optional, but has gone a long way:>
This rage that happens around the menopause transition doesn’t go away either- it’s like a switch has been flipped, clarity has opened up, agency has been attained, and putting up with people’s crap is no longer an option!
YES YES AND MORE YES
ALL THIS!
On my 40th birthday, my Mom told me she wished she had a fairy wand she could "boop" me with...to teach me what she now knew at 64...without the struggle. She noted specifically, the "skill" of using your voice, to say your truth, without fear of censure or concern for what others think/react. I turned 60 this year and she is gone...except I hear her voice when I'm struggling to use my own. I'm still listening for her wisdom, if even in my own mind and heart. It has been a year of conflict with my husband when I use my voice. He hears only criticism when I engage with my own perspective and opinions. His best defense then seems an offense. A year of talking to him about my sense of being out-of-sync or our common challenge of timing and re-action. This spring will mark 40 years of (mostly very happy) marriage. A year of feeling like I'm both a reagent and a catalyst...and we are both intermediate molecules with the tension inherent to bring further transformation towards a new existence that resolves the tension and bound energy. A year of feeling like a ghost at work, and saying "no" when requested to take on MORE (because administration fails to act responsibly to staff and ensure we can meet needs of students). A year of becoming aware that I've entered a cave, my cave where shadows play on the walls and Transformation calls my name in foreign languages. The rage? It's real. More Real than the Expectations or Masks or Past Roles and Success. Admittedly, the rage is also fueled by impatience with myself, as I walk an unknown path with an unknown destination, while the journey seems to take me in slow circles...maybe a spiral towards my own center? Learn how to find happiness, joy, confidence in a new Me that I don't yet recognize. I've got a toolbox full of instruments that don't quite fit the need...like standard measures in a metric world. But I like the metric system. It is simple to learn and just as accurate or productive. Just different. The rage? It's a voice that sends a message I should listen to and then...pick up my new tools and patiently dedicate my wisdom to create a new-ish Me that listens to my own voice and walks the spiral path towards...a more grounded Me whose voice is less impatient to be heard (because listening and observing is more peaceful) and paradoxically also less fearful of being misunderstood or censored.
Amazing to have my experience, even the timing of years named, and this tension now at 40 years in, with using the voice your mother wanted for you. We have it now, but it doesn’t go well with the spouse. Your mother shared to use it anyway. We have no other choice and going backwards is not an option to anyone’s peace. Thank you Holly.
This is beautiful and resonates so much with me. I'm behind you on the path (at 42), but share these challenges and the rage.
Beautifully written, Holly.
Two of the best things my mother said to me when I was young: you don’t need to color inside of the lines
And
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.
So a couple things… physician Gabor Mate talks about working with women and cancer and because they were Caregivers to everyone but themselves they developed cancer.
Thank you, Ellen. Your writing is so very helpful. I'm encouraged to speak my truth without hedging. I will not apologize. I am not the girl I was when I got married 40 years ago. And why should I be? I am grateful to have a husband who shares the load of housework, but it sometimes comes with a dose of martyrdom. And some nagging about what I should be doing and hiw I should be doing it. Time for that conversation.
I am in a puddle on the floor ready to look at my anger with new eyes. Thank you so much. Also, I have a LOT of women to share this with.
Most women I know expect too little from the men (and children) in their lives and give too much. We need to rethink our relationships and stop sacrificing ourselves before we erase ourselves. I'm so over it that my body has given up. I literally can't operate like that anymore or I get sick. THAT is information from my body and I am listening. It is hard to deprogram yourself after decades of conditioning!!!
Every single time someone tells the truth like this it helps heal all the guilt and shame I’m experiencing about somehow having even bigger, more intense emotional reactions than I’ve experienced before. And I’ve always been someone who felt things deeply.