A man I used to know used to say “I’m an asshole, but I’m an honest asshole” my reply was always “you’re still an asshole”! Also, I think when they are coming at you with brutal honesty, they are reveling in the brutal part!
Thank you for this. Really. In my case, it's my Dad saying, "We should start thinking about dinner" or asking, "What are gonna do about dinner?" Me, my Dad, and my older sister are co-caregivers of my Mom who has dementia. He's with her during the day since we work (although my sister WFH 3 days a week from there even when it's not her turn to stay there). We take turns living with them each week (we tap in/out every Sunday) and I can tell you, after working 8hrs a day, the LAST fucking thing I want to think about when I get there is what we should have for dinner. When my Mom eventually eclipses (I prefer that word over the other word), that question is ALWAYS going to be a trigger for me.
This was fascinating, and something I'll want to read 1) more slowly 2) a couple more times! One thing I'm curious about---wondering in how this experience might be different for those of us w/ ADD. (I had to laugh at "feeling rage bc someone's chewing too loudly" -- that's a classic ADDer's response, long before menopause ever kicks in. :-D) I have certainly felt the "I'm sorry, but I just can't give a s**t about this anymore & I don't care if that makes you uncomfortable/unhappy/confused/disappointed/annoyed/not like me anymore" and my god, but it's a relief. Thank you for sharing the neuroscience and integrating it with the psychological and practical. That's a real gift, and one I'm both really thankful for getting and really enjoying.
Fantastic insights and this resonates so loudly with me. I'd love to know your thoughts on how the midlife rewire works alongside the arrival of grandchildren. I'm so confused as to how to be a cute cuddly grandma when my nurturing hormones have emigrated.
Ellen, I feel like you are just the perimenopause guru. Thank you for everything you share, and for making those of us going through all this feel a LOT better about what's coming!
I stumbled across your Substack a couple months ago now and it was no coincidence. I needed to read your words at just this moment in my life because of their relevancy, simplicity, and truth! So I just wanted to thank you, for giving me a gift, and also a gift to share with my husband and kids, a graceful articulation of what I'm living right now.
I'd submit that we're constantly transforming all our lives. I'm past mid-life now (74) and feel I'm still transforming as I cope with physical changes, relationship changes, and the swirling chaos of observed public life. Everything is always becoming something else. Buddhist philosophy reminds us that impermanence is a fact of life. We know this, but we don't really appreciate that reality. We persist in thinking that if we can just [fill in the blank], everything will be fine and float along unchanging. But that's never true. Everything changes all the time.
I understand the feeling guilty part when doing something new, buy I don’t trust myself to know what is selfish or not. Anything that focuses on me or not on others, I consider selfish as evident by how my stored trauma takesover my body and thoughts. Hard to change when petrified.
That was also my experience. My "kids" are in their late 30s now. In midlife, I coped with anti-depressants but eventually didn't need them as time marched on. I burned out on work, parenting, partnering, and yes, I did have a few outside interests myself! The transformation continues.
Thank you for validating what I already feel, and now understand with more clarity. Btw, I don't mind the f word, I use it a lot, ha ha ha, it validates my frustration!!
Ellen Scherr: Please, please do not put the word F - - - - - - in your Subject line or the header of your substack commentary. Sure, many of us use this word in our everyday informal conversations. But please, think twice before using it in your earnest, thoughtful, well-intentioned writings. It stabs. You can do better.
A man I used to know used to say “I’m an asshole, but I’m an honest asshole” my reply was always “you’re still an asshole”! Also, I think when they are coming at you with brutal honesty, they are reveling in the brutal part!
I love this!! It's exactly why I started Rock the Damn Boat. I love the digestible tips you give.
Thank you for this. Really. In my case, it's my Dad saying, "We should start thinking about dinner" or asking, "What are gonna do about dinner?" Me, my Dad, and my older sister are co-caregivers of my Mom who has dementia. He's with her during the day since we work (although my sister WFH 3 days a week from there even when it's not her turn to stay there). We take turns living with them each week (we tap in/out every Sunday) and I can tell you, after working 8hrs a day, the LAST fucking thing I want to think about when I get there is what we should have for dinner. When my Mom eventually eclipses (I prefer that word over the other word), that question is ALWAYS going to be a trigger for me.
Nailed it. Thank you for writing long form.
Why I am looking to disappoint people, have boundaries tested and say “no” just to hear myself say it out loud.
Also why I am more excited to be turning 50 than I ever imagined.
This was fascinating, and something I'll want to read 1) more slowly 2) a couple more times! One thing I'm curious about---wondering in how this experience might be different for those of us w/ ADD. (I had to laugh at "feeling rage bc someone's chewing too loudly" -- that's a classic ADDer's response, long before menopause ever kicks in. :-D) I have certainly felt the "I'm sorry, but I just can't give a s**t about this anymore & I don't care if that makes you uncomfortable/unhappy/confused/disappointed/annoyed/not like me anymore" and my god, but it's a relief. Thank you for sharing the neuroscience and integrating it with the psychological and practical. That's a real gift, and one I'm both really thankful for getting and really enjoying.
Fantastic insights and this resonates so loudly with me. I'd love to know your thoughts on how the midlife rewire works alongside the arrival of grandchildren. I'm so confused as to how to be a cute cuddly grandma when my nurturing hormones have emigrated.
Ellen, I feel like you are just the perimenopause guru. Thank you for everything you share, and for making those of us going through all this feel a LOT better about what's coming!
So good. Thank you.
You're right.
You're right.
I stumbled across your Substack a couple months ago now and it was no coincidence. I needed to read your words at just this moment in my life because of their relevancy, simplicity, and truth! So I just wanted to thank you, for giving me a gift, and also a gift to share with my husband and kids, a graceful articulation of what I'm living right now.
I'd submit that we're constantly transforming all our lives. I'm past mid-life now (74) and feel I'm still transforming as I cope with physical changes, relationship changes, and the swirling chaos of observed public life. Everything is always becoming something else. Buddhist philosophy reminds us that impermanence is a fact of life. We know this, but we don't really appreciate that reality. We persist in thinking that if we can just [fill in the blank], everything will be fine and float along unchanging. But that's never true. Everything changes all the time.
I understand the feeling guilty part when doing something new, buy I don’t trust myself to know what is selfish or not. Anything that focuses on me or not on others, I consider selfish as evident by how my stored trauma takesover my body and thoughts. Hard to change when petrified.
Once you have more than one kid (I have 2) you turn into a Referee....
And when they reach teenager stage the refereeing steps up to you standing betweem them and their dad.
I have a reached a point of total burnout.
But they are both through University and starting on independent adult lives.
My marriage survived (barely) and we can now start working on retirement.
Whew!
That was also my experience. My "kids" are in their late 30s now. In midlife, I coped with anti-depressants but eventually didn't need them as time marched on. I burned out on work, parenting, partnering, and yes, I did have a few outside interests myself! The transformation continues.
Thank you for validating what I already feel, and now understand with more clarity. Btw, I don't mind the f word, I use it a lot, ha ha ha, it validates my frustration!!
I'm with you! It's a perfectly good ol' Anglo-Saxon word, and I appreciate its muscular, direct energy in all sorts of contexts!
Ellen Scherr: Please, please do not put the word F - - - - - - in your Subject line or the header of your substack commentary. Sure, many of us use this word in our everyday informal conversations. But please, think twice before using it in your earnest, thoughtful, well-intentioned writings. It stabs. You can do better.
😳