“Your brain is basically a control freak” is one of those truths that feels obvious only after someone names it. I loved how you threaded the neuroscience without turning it into a lecture — just enough to give people permission to stop blaming themselves for feeling stuck. Of course it’s hard to change when your brain equates “different” with “danger.” That framing alone is such a relief.
And the cereal box metaphor? Perfect. That quiet grief for a world where surprise used to be built into ordinary life — that’s something I didn’t realize I was carrying until you named it. We’ve optimized ourselves right out of wonder.
What really stayed with me, though, was this idea of loosening the death grip on the story. Midlife so often isn’t about fixing what’s broken — it’s about releasing what’s outdated. The script served a purpose once. It just doesn’t get to run the show anymore.
I see this constantly with women who’ve done everything “right” and are still restless. The moment they stop asking, “Is this what I’m supposed to want?” and start asking, “What actually feels alive now?” everything shifts. Faster decisions. Cleaner no’s. Less apology. More room.
For me, one of those cereal-box surprises was realizing that I didn’t need to replace my old life with something equally impressive. What I needed was space — physical, mental, emotional — and a rhythm that let me breathe again. That wasn’t the prize I thought I was aiming for… but it turned out to be the one that steadied everything else.
Thank you for writing this with so much clarity and compassion. It’s the kind of piece that helps people trust themselves again — not by pushing them to leap, but by reminding them they’re allowed to not know what’s next.
Amazing. You are the 2nd person I've heard say these things. My current "boss" has been attempting to train me into this since February of this year when she brought me back to the nonprofit. Don't expect it to happen, just put in the work and be surprised by the result. I am finally relaxing into it, we both are.
I really needed this today, I'm preparing for a job interview and feeling very nervous over the pressure to perform and land this job, but approaching the interview from a place of curiosity and dettachment in terms of outcome helps mitigate those fears. I loved the cereal box metaphor, it's interesting how at some points in our life we're more open to surprises and curious about trying new things, then other times our brain wants to desperately hold on to those patterns we grew used to. This was inspiring, uplifting, and beautifully written, thank you for sharing it!
“And here’s the wildest part: you start making decisions faster.” YES. This is a really unexpected side effect. I have always been the one who decides in my family (son seems to have inherited his father’s ability to just let things happen 😫) and this has been a source of considerable stress to me for the past 30 years. As I have blocked out the theoretical needs of others, my way ahead is becoming clearer. And boom! I just do stuff, without canvassing the dinner table first. Guess what? Nothing bad has happened.
(one of the decisions I made is to stay with my spouse, and that has given the two of us an entirely different basis to go into our 60s and beyond ❤️🔥)
I swear you’ve been stalking my brain!!! Great article. I was just saying this morning that living in a comfortable predictable environment is not healthy for the mind. I’ve just bought a trade van to convert into a camper and I tell you. I feel alive as I haven’t a clue how to do this!!!
"Stop telling life what it has to be, and it might surprise you with something better." 41F and this is the story of my life, especially for the last few years. Less control, more flow (harder than it sounds haha)
I love that you tied life back to the toy surprise in cereal boxes! That was an exciting time🤣 waiting to see what was in the box. May we learn to live with uncertainty...I'm still working on it.
Another great article, Ellen. It made me reflect on this: maybe the source of so much unhappiness is that I’ve been following a script, a life plan, that doesn’t work and doesn’t fit. The problem isn’t so much me, the problem is the plan. I haven’t succeeded at the plan because it was never my plan in the first place. Thanks! Food for thought.
SO. MUCH. THIS. I’m recently divorced and starting my whole life over in midlife. I’ve given up on “having a plan” precisely because of the phenomenon you describe. As a GenX person I’ve literally spent my whole life being promised results if I work hard for them, go into debt and exhaust myself, be patient and keep striving for the promised, predicted outcome only to have the game changed and the rug yanked out from under me every fucking time. I get up and show up and do what’s necessary every day but I’m really letting go of any more “chase the carrot” thinking and paying a lot more attention to what glimmers of intrinsic motivation appear in my life and following those clues.
i always thought I needed a man. A partner. Proof I was worthy of love. "Look. this guy loves me." So many years wasted in bad relationships. Now, with MS, everyday is a surprise. An adaptation. A reminder to let things be.
About 10 years ago, I slowly began doing things outside of my script. Saying “yes” to more life giving and fun activities that helped me to pause, reflect, and dream. My husband didn’t like the disruption to our usual routine.
One evening I made a dream board with a small group of women, only one of whom I knew (a work colleague). Well, fast forward a few years. I made that leap although it happened in “fits and starts.”
I began to run again like I did when I was younger. I began to buy more “outdoorsy” clothes. It began to read about strong women who did amazing and adventurous things.
Long story short. I began to feel more alive and confident each time I said “yes.” I realized that my husband was fearful, loved routine, and keeping me “in line and in place.” My dreams didn’t mesh with his.
I left my marriage, went to my high school reunion, and re-connected with someone who I had known since 6th grade and who had been my first kiss and crush in high school. We eventually became a couple and moved across the country to the mountains where we created a beautiful life based on shared values and dreams. For the first time in my life, I was in a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship. He was my soul mate, best friend, and lover. We hiked, biked, ran, skied, and camped - always exploring together.
He died a year or so ago and so I’m slowly stitching a life back together without him by my side.
Dreaming and remembering what brings me life, saying “yes” to fun and curiosity, and creating a new routine to support me. It’s hard some days but it’s worth overcoming the uncertainty and fear that sometimes arises when trying new things.
Ellen — this landed hard, in the best way.
“Your brain is basically a control freak” is one of those truths that feels obvious only after someone names it. I loved how you threaded the neuroscience without turning it into a lecture — just enough to give people permission to stop blaming themselves for feeling stuck. Of course it’s hard to change when your brain equates “different” with “danger.” That framing alone is such a relief.
And the cereal box metaphor? Perfect. That quiet grief for a world where surprise used to be built into ordinary life — that’s something I didn’t realize I was carrying until you named it. We’ve optimized ourselves right out of wonder.
What really stayed with me, though, was this idea of loosening the death grip on the story. Midlife so often isn’t about fixing what’s broken — it’s about releasing what’s outdated. The script served a purpose once. It just doesn’t get to run the show anymore.
I see this constantly with women who’ve done everything “right” and are still restless. The moment they stop asking, “Is this what I’m supposed to want?” and start asking, “What actually feels alive now?” everything shifts. Faster decisions. Cleaner no’s. Less apology. More room.
For me, one of those cereal-box surprises was realizing that I didn’t need to replace my old life with something equally impressive. What I needed was space — physical, mental, emotional — and a rhythm that let me breathe again. That wasn’t the prize I thought I was aiming for… but it turned out to be the one that steadied everything else.
Thank you for writing this with so much clarity and compassion. It’s the kind of piece that helps people trust themselves again — not by pushing them to leap, but by reminding them they’re allowed to not know what’s next.
– Kelly
Amazing. You are the 2nd person I've heard say these things. My current "boss" has been attempting to train me into this since February of this year when she brought me back to the nonprofit. Don't expect it to happen, just put in the work and be surprised by the result. I am finally relaxing into it, we both are.
Thank you for this !!
I wish I’d known this even 10 but ideally 30 years ago. What a different life I might’ve had.
This is a realization women need and midlife makes room for it. Thank you for guiding our meeting nds through acceptance of this great opportunity.
I really needed this today, I'm preparing for a job interview and feeling very nervous over the pressure to perform and land this job, but approaching the interview from a place of curiosity and dettachment in terms of outcome helps mitigate those fears. I loved the cereal box metaphor, it's interesting how at some points in our life we're more open to surprises and curious about trying new things, then other times our brain wants to desperately hold on to those patterns we grew used to. This was inspiring, uplifting, and beautifully written, thank you for sharing it!
Let me know how the interview went!
Great read! Loved my cereal prize! Holy crap what a wonderful memory.
Remember that life is like a box of chocolates…never stop believing. In You.
Thank you!
“And here’s the wildest part: you start making decisions faster.” YES. This is a really unexpected side effect. I have always been the one who decides in my family (son seems to have inherited his father’s ability to just let things happen 😫) and this has been a source of considerable stress to me for the past 30 years. As I have blocked out the theoretical needs of others, my way ahead is becoming clearer. And boom! I just do stuff, without canvassing the dinner table first. Guess what? Nothing bad has happened.
(one of the decisions I made is to stay with my spouse, and that has given the two of us an entirely different basis to go into our 60s and beyond ❤️🔥)
I swear you’ve been stalking my brain!!! Great article. I was just saying this morning that living in a comfortable predictable environment is not healthy for the mind. I’ve just bought a trade van to convert into a camper and I tell you. I feel alive as I haven’t a clue how to do this!!!
"Stop telling life what it has to be, and it might surprise you with something better." 41F and this is the story of my life, especially for the last few years. Less control, more flow (harder than it sounds haha)
I love that you tied life back to the toy surprise in cereal boxes! That was an exciting time🤣 waiting to see what was in the box. May we learn to live with uncertainty...I'm still working on it.
Another great article, Ellen. It made me reflect on this: maybe the source of so much unhappiness is that I’ve been following a script, a life plan, that doesn’t work and doesn’t fit. The problem isn’t so much me, the problem is the plan. I haven’t succeeded at the plan because it was never my plan in the first place. Thanks! Food for thought.
SO. MUCH. THIS. I’m recently divorced and starting my whole life over in midlife. I’ve given up on “having a plan” precisely because of the phenomenon you describe. As a GenX person I’ve literally spent my whole life being promised results if I work hard for them, go into debt and exhaust myself, be patient and keep striving for the promised, predicted outcome only to have the game changed and the rug yanked out from under me every fucking time. I get up and show up and do what’s necessary every day but I’m really letting go of any more “chase the carrot” thinking and paying a lot more attention to what glimmers of intrinsic motivation appear in my life and following those clues.
This line about the script we’re all handed stopped me.
So much of midlife isn’t about being lost — it’s about realizing the map we’ve been following wasn’t drawn for who we are now.
I love how you opened that door here. Beautiful work!
💛 Kelly
i always thought I needed a man. A partner. Proof I was worthy of love. "Look. this guy loves me." So many years wasted in bad relationships. Now, with MS, everyday is a surprise. An adaptation. A reminder to let things be.
About 10 years ago, I slowly began doing things outside of my script. Saying “yes” to more life giving and fun activities that helped me to pause, reflect, and dream. My husband didn’t like the disruption to our usual routine.
One evening I made a dream board with a small group of women, only one of whom I knew (a work colleague). Well, fast forward a few years. I made that leap although it happened in “fits and starts.”
I began to run again like I did when I was younger. I began to buy more “outdoorsy” clothes. It began to read about strong women who did amazing and adventurous things.
Long story short. I began to feel more alive and confident each time I said “yes.” I realized that my husband was fearful, loved routine, and keeping me “in line and in place.” My dreams didn’t mesh with his.
I left my marriage, went to my high school reunion, and re-connected with someone who I had known since 6th grade and who had been my first kiss and crush in high school. We eventually became a couple and moved across the country to the mountains where we created a beautiful life based on shared values and dreams. For the first time in my life, I was in a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship. He was my soul mate, best friend, and lover. We hiked, biked, ran, skied, and camped - always exploring together.
He died a year or so ago and so I’m slowly stitching a life back together without him by my side.
Dreaming and remembering what brings me life, saying “yes” to fun and curiosity, and creating a new routine to support me. It’s hard some days but it’s worth overcoming the uncertainty and fear that sometimes arises when trying new things.
What a beautiful, strong, bittersweet tale. I'm so happy you became you! That you had some time with someone who genuinely saw, and loved you.
“Nothing is permanent in all the world.
All things are fluent; every image forms,
Wandering through change.”
—Ovid, Metamorphoses