Ty for this. At 60 I feel like a burnt out people pleaser. I need to do learn to do more than say no but to also address how much I put up with from other peoples behaviour that really hurts in order for the other person to feel good. The abject fear of doing that rushed thru me when I read this. I start therapy tomorrow which is really scary
I got so f’n done asking for help from my family and not getting it that things just sat around blatantly broken, unfinished, dirty, overgrown. No one ever volunteered or took initiative to just do the thing. Much less seeing me do the thing and pitch in without even being asked. Ask me how long some yard debris sat in the yard after I asked my husband to clean up after my pruning before I just did it myself. Ask me how much I feel like a martyr cry baby complaining about this. I really resent feeling this way, feeling like a nag, a complainer, unappreciative for what I do have. Pretty much been an empty nester the last two years and I recently told my husband I wanted to separate. Now he’s out of the home and I’m enjoying going around and getting the house cleaned and organized. Making repairs myself. Hiring someone to fix that hole in the ceiling. Saying no to running to the rescue. Learning to stop the over explaining.
Great article, Ellen. I needed this reminder. I have gotten so much better at saying no, but there are still some relationships in my life where I struggle in this area. Maybe it’s because in the past, my successful “no” brought about so much criticism. “You are being difficult”. “You are being unreasonable”. The consequence of that was that I had to cut those people out of my life. That was a good thing for me, but doesn’t make the loss of them any less difficult. Saying no to the emotional labor has a price. This was a great reminder that personal peace and wellness is worth that price. Thanks again!
Thankyou. This piece describes me exactly. I agree with the comments above,it’s a bit of a shock to find out this is not just me. I look forward to the day when I am can say no without feeling awful.
I was a people pleaser from the age of 5 or 6. One of my siblings was both emotionally and physically violent towards my parents. After a fight, I would do little things for my mum or dad. As a child I only wanted to see my mum smile and didn’t realise I had started to behave in a way that affected my life until I was in my early 40’s. I never challenged people and always did what they asked or wanted. I would even cancel my own plans to help family members because it made me feel guilty if I did not. 2 years before my mum died (I was 41) and a situation at work distressed me as I was disbelieved and blamed for something I had not done. I began to see a psychologist each week and finally explored my childhood and how it affected my adult choices and behaviour. I began to tell people “no” or I would still do things for them ie mum’s shopping when it was convenient for me (unless it was an emergency). My mum was ill from January 2013 until she died in the May. I stood my ground and politely told people exactly what I thought. One sister told me I was nasty and argumentative. My long term friends supported me and my 19 year old daughter said “mum, the best thing about momma(her grandmother) being ill is you’ve finally grown a backbone and started to tell people to f**k off, I’m proud of you”.
People don’t like it when you change your approach as it means they often have to address their own behaviout
Like that term “ emotional labor”. Yes, it can be very taxing. I am thankful I learned the power of No in my twenties - of course, a divorce was the outcome of that. But I have it pretty much down now and usually don’t even try to soften it with an excuse or whatever. At 67 if I don’t think I want to do something I don’t. But if I do really feel I should or am duty bound then I try to enjoy it, do it right and have fun. It is easy to get stuck into a pattern or caught in a trap if you’re not careful tho because there are some people who naturally like to help others and some who constantly take and seem to only look at what is best for them.
Ty for this. At 60 I feel like a burnt out people pleaser. I need to do learn to do more than say no but to also address how much I put up with from other peoples behaviour that really hurts in order for the other person to feel good. The abject fear of doing that rushed thru me when I read this. I start therapy tomorrow which is really scary
I got so f’n done asking for help from my family and not getting it that things just sat around blatantly broken, unfinished, dirty, overgrown. No one ever volunteered or took initiative to just do the thing. Much less seeing me do the thing and pitch in without even being asked. Ask me how long some yard debris sat in the yard after I asked my husband to clean up after my pruning before I just did it myself. Ask me how much I feel like a martyr cry baby complaining about this. I really resent feeling this way, feeling like a nag, a complainer, unappreciative for what I do have. Pretty much been an empty nester the last two years and I recently told my husband I wanted to separate. Now he’s out of the home and I’m enjoying going around and getting the house cleaned and organized. Making repairs myself. Hiring someone to fix that hole in the ceiling. Saying no to running to the rescue. Learning to stop the over explaining.
Great article, Ellen. I needed this reminder. I have gotten so much better at saying no, but there are still some relationships in my life where I struggle in this area. Maybe it’s because in the past, my successful “no” brought about so much criticism. “You are being difficult”. “You are being unreasonable”. The consequence of that was that I had to cut those people out of my life. That was a good thing for me, but doesn’t make the loss of them any less difficult. Saying no to the emotional labor has a price. This was a great reminder that personal peace and wellness is worth that price. Thanks again!
Thankyou. This piece describes me exactly. I agree with the comments above,it’s a bit of a shock to find out this is not just me. I look forward to the day when I am can say no without feeling awful.
Thank you. I’ve read this twice and feel like I can breathe again.
I was a people pleaser from the age of 5 or 6. One of my siblings was both emotionally and physically violent towards my parents. After a fight, I would do little things for my mum or dad. As a child I only wanted to see my mum smile and didn’t realise I had started to behave in a way that affected my life until I was in my early 40’s. I never challenged people and always did what they asked or wanted. I would even cancel my own plans to help family members because it made me feel guilty if I did not. 2 years before my mum died (I was 41) and a situation at work distressed me as I was disbelieved and blamed for something I had not done. I began to see a psychologist each week and finally explored my childhood and how it affected my adult choices and behaviour. I began to tell people “no” or I would still do things for them ie mum’s shopping when it was convenient for me (unless it was an emergency). My mum was ill from January 2013 until she died in the May. I stood my ground and politely told people exactly what I thought. One sister told me I was nasty and argumentative. My long term friends supported me and my 19 year old daughter said “mum, the best thing about momma(her grandmother) being ill is you’ve finally grown a backbone and started to tell people to f**k off, I’m proud of you”.
People don’t like it when you change your approach as it means they often have to address their own behaviout
Like that term “ emotional labor”. Yes, it can be very taxing. I am thankful I learned the power of No in my twenties - of course, a divorce was the outcome of that. But I have it pretty much down now and usually don’t even try to soften it with an excuse or whatever. At 67 if I don’t think I want to do something I don’t. But if I do really feel I should or am duty bound then I try to enjoy it, do it right and have fun. It is easy to get stuck into a pattern or caught in a trap if you’re not careful tho because there are some people who naturally like to help others and some who constantly take and seem to only look at what is best for them.
It's always a little startling to realize I'm not the only one who feels things like this. Thanks for laying it out there and reminding us ✌💞