9 Rules for When Your Life Stops Fitting

A Therapist's Guide to Sorting Your Shit Out in Midlife

You know that feeling when you look around at your life and think, “How did I end up here?” Not in a grateful way. In an “I’m staying in a job I hate for the insurance, I haven’t had sex in eight months, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been on autopilot since 2015” kind of way.

Welcome to midlife, where everything you’ve been avoiding finally catches up with you.

Here’s the thing: your body’s changing, your brain’s rewiring itself, and suddenly you can’t pretend anymore. Not about the marriage that’s been dead for years. Not about the job that’s sucking your soul. Not about the friendships that feel like obligations.

But here’s the better news: this is actually your chance to sort your shit out.

After 15 years of working with women through these transitions (and living through my own), here are nine rules that actually work.

1. Stop waiting for permission

You don’t need anyone to approve your choices anymore.

Not your mother, not your partner, not that voice in your head that sounds like your third-grade teacher.

Want to quit your job? Dye your hair purple? End that friendship that’s been draining you since college?

You’re allowed.

The hardest part isn’t making the change.

It’s accepting that you don’t need a permission slip to do it.

2. Grief first, everything else second

You can’t organize a life you haven’t finished mourning.

And midlife?

It’s basically one long grief ceremony for all the versions of yourself you’re leaving behind.

The body you had. The marriage you thought you’d have. The career path that didn’t pan out. The kids who grew up. The parents who got old.

Sit with that. Cry about it. Get mad about it. You don’t have to be zen about loss.

You just have to stop pretending it isn’t there.

3. Your energy is currency. Spend it like you’re broke.

Because you kind of are. At least compared to your 25-year-old self who could run on four hours of sleep and still make it to happy hour.

Every yes to something is a no to something else. So start asking: Is this worth my actual energy? Not “should I” or “what will people think,” but “do I want to spend my limited fuel on this?”

That committee you’ve been on for six years? The friend who only calls when she needs something? The family gathering you dread for three weeks beforehand?

Time to get picky.

4. Stop fixing broken people

I know. You’re good at it. You’ve been doing it your whole life. Your identity is basically “the person who helps.”

But here’s what nobody tells you: people who don’t want to change won’t.

No matter how much you love them. No matter how many chances you give them. No matter how clearly you can see their potential.

You’re not responsible for other people’s growth.

You’re barely responsible for your own.

5. Boring matters more than you think

The unsexy stuff is what actually changes your life.

Sleep. Water. Moving your body. Saying no. Having boundaries. Paying your bills on time.

I know you want the big dramatic transformation. The revelation. The breakthrough.

But real change looks like going to bed at 10:30 even though Netflix just released a new series.

Drinking water before your second cup of coffee.

Texting your friend back instead of letting it sit for three weeks until it’s weird.

Sort the basics first. Everything else gets easier.

6. Your discomfort is information, not a problem to fix

That anxiety you’re feeling? That restlessness? That sense you’re outgrowing your life like a pair of jeans from 2009?

It’s not broken. It’s a signal.

Your body’s trying to tell you something’s off. Maybe it’s your relationship. Maybe it’s your job.

Maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t had a real conversation in six months because everyone wants the helpful version of you, not the actual one.

Stop trying to fix the discomfort. Start listening to it.

7. You don’t have to know what’s next

This one trips people up constantly. They think they need the whole plan before they can make a move.

You don’t need to know where you’re going. You just need to know where you’re not staying.

Leave the relationship. Quit the job. End the friendship.

Figure out the next chapter while you’re living it, not before.

The clarity comes after the move, not before.

8. Stop performing your life for other people

Social media’s made this worse, but we were doing it long before Instagram.

Performing the good marriage.

Performing the successful career.

Performing the put-together mother who doesn’t eat cereal for dinner three times a week.

What if you just stopped?

What if you let people see that your life is messy and you’re figuring it out and sometimes you don’t have your shit together?

Turns out, that’s when you find your real people. The ones who like you without the performance.

9. Done is better than perfect

You’re not going to get this right. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to start things you don’t finish. You’re going to have regrets.

Do it anyway.

The women who actually sort their lives out aren’t the ones who wait until they’re certain.

They’re the ones who make the messy, imperfect choice and deal with the consequences as they come.

Your life isn’t a rough draft. This is the real thing. And it’s happening whether you’re ready or not.

Here’s the truth: this isn’t easy. I’m still in it.

Sorting things out means looking at all the ways you’ve been lying to yourself.

All the ways you’ve made yourself small.

All the dreams you gave up because they seemed impractical or selfish or too much.

But you know what’s harder?

Spending the next 20 years pretending you’re fine.

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Which of these rules are you breaking right now?

I’m reading every word here. I may not be able to reach everyone, but I appreciate your sharing.

I’m building a space for women who are done performing. If this resonated with you, stick around. There’s more where this came from, and we’re just getting started.