At 47, I Stopped Calling It 'Starting Over'

Here's what I call it instead

I used to think starting over meant failure.

Like it was the thing that happened when you couldn’t hold it together. When you’d screwed up so badly there was no other option.

But after two decades of sitting with people who are navigating midlife transitions—and after doing it myself—here’s what I know: Starting over isn’t what happens when everything falls apart.

It’s what happens when you finally stop pretending.

The exhausting performance we call “having it together”

You’ve been performing a version of yourself for years. Maybe decades.

Not on purpose, at first. You were just doing what you thought you were supposed to do. Building the life that looked right from the outside. Checking boxes. Playing the role.

The career that sounded impressive at dinner parties. The relationship that looked stable. The persona that kept everyone comfortable.

And somewhere along the way, you got so good at it that you forgot it was a performance.

Until your body started keeping score. Sunday night dread. Low-grade anxiety.

What “starting over” actually means

Here’s what nobody tells you: It’s not about burning everything down and running away to Bali. (Though if that’s your thing, no judgment.)

It’s about finally telling the truth.

The truth about what you actually want. Not what you think you should want.

The truth about what’s not working, even if admitting it disappoints people.

The truth about who you’ve become, not who you were at 25.

My clients in their 40s and 50s often come in apologizing for wanting to change course. As if wanting something different at 47 is somehow less valid than wanting it at 27.

But here’s the thing: At 27, you were guessing. At 47, you actually know.

You know what drains you and what energizes you. You know which relationships are reciprocal and which ones aren’t. You know the difference between a bad day and a bad fit.

That’s not failure. That’s information.

The permission you’ve been waiting for

You don’t need permission to start over. But I’m going to give it to you anyway because sometimes we need to hear it from someone else:

You’re allowed to want something different than you wanted before.

You’re allowed to change your mind about the life you built when you didn’t know any better.

You’re allowed to disappoint people who preferred the version of you that never challenged anything.

You’re allowed to prioritize your own growth over everyone else’s comfort.

Research in adult development shows that people who navigate midlife transitions successfully aren’t the ones clinging to their younger selves. They’re the ones who integrate their past while moving toward something more authentic.

In other words: You’re not starting over. You’re starting honest.

What changes when you stop pretending

When you finally give yourself permission to be honest about what you want, something shifts.

Not overnight. Not dramatically.

You start making different choices. Small ones at first. You say no to things that drain you. You say yes to things that feel right, even if you can’t fully explain why.

You stop performing for an audience that was never really paying attention anyway.

The people who truly care about you? They stick around. And the ones who only liked your performance? They reveal themselves pretty quickly.

You realize that “starting over” isn’t about erasing your history. It’s about finally authoring your own story instead of living in someone else’s draft.

The truth about timing

“But I’m too old to start over.”

I hear this constantly. And I get it—the whole “midlife crisis” narrative has poisoned the well. We’ve been trained to see any major change after 40 as suspect. Reckless. Embarrassing.

But here’s what the research actually shows: People who make significant life changes in midlife report higher levels of authenticity, purpose, and life satisfaction than those who don’t.

Not because change is easy. But because honesty is liberating.

You’re not too old. You’re finally old enough to know better.

Starting honest instead of starting over

Maybe we should stop calling it “starting over.”

Because that implies you’re going backward. Erasing. Admitting defeat.

What you’re actually doing is starting honest.

You’re acknowledging what’s true now, even if it wasn’t true before. You’re building from a foundation of self-knowledge instead of self-deception. You’re choosing alignment over approval.

And that’s not starting over. That’s finally starting right.

---

“What’s one thing you’ve stopped pretending about lately?”

I’m reading every word here. I may not be able to reach everyone, but I appreciate your sharing.

I’m building a space for women who are done performing. If this resonated with you, stick around. There’s more where this came from, and we’re just getting started.