I'm wondering how it's different for women who left and for women who were left. I'm the latter.
After 25 years together, my husband said he wanted a divorce days after becoming empty nesters. We have two girls who are 22 and 20. The younger had stage IV high-risk cancer when she was four. The treatment left her with stage 3 kidney disease, legally deaf, infertile, and stunted growth and hair.
After treatment, I should've taken care of myself but that felt selfish. My girls had been through so much. They needed me, so I pushed my mental health aside and told myself I'd take care of it later. Well, by then, it was too late. My husband decided to leave long before he actually did.
I thought I could fix my marriage like I did my daughter's cancer. Just try harder, Amy, I told myself. I blamed myself -- if I were a better mom, I would've know my daughter was sick sooner. A better wife, and I would've been able to control my resentment and tone.
Better...better....better...--- fix, fix, fix.
As women we're sold a bill of goods. Give up our own needs to meet everyone else's and we'll be safe and loved. This is not true but the narrative is so strong. It takes time to call foul. And society doesn't like when we call foul on something that is ESSENTIAL to keeping the system in place.
A 50 year old woman who still has worth? YES WE DO! Since my husband left, I've done so many things I NEVER would've done if he were still around. After an awful divorce, nothing was scary anymore. I just published a piece in Vogue that was so vulnerable. My friend said I shouldn't share on my socials. Judgement be damned!
There's nothing more dangerous than a 50 year old woman with nothing to lose I tell my friends (none of whom are divorced and get so uncomfortable when I start, ha!
Why now? Because you have years to go, and it’s time to find out who YOU are! I guarantee she’s (or if you’re a guy, he’s) gonna pleasantly surprise you.
My divorce was 18 years ago and the scars are still visible when it comes to what happened with my relationships with friends and family during that time - they certainly invited me to carry shame from the divorce. My mother cut me out of her life for more than 3 years and our relationship was never the same after until she died. I lost so many couple friends that my social circle now that I’m older, selective, and it’s hard to make new friends, is much smaller than if I hadn’t divorced. All of this because people made assumptions/had prejudices about what they thought happened in our marriage.
So this really got me: “Here’s what gets buried under all that shame: you didn’t break the marriage. The marriage broke you. You just finally stopped letting it”
I also loved the comment about no longer auditioning for low maintenance.
There is almost not a day that goes by STILL that I am thankful that I divorced though. I am me again.
Yes!! 🙌 Love this so much—thank you for sharing. This is such an important message for so many women who lose themselves and feel like it’s too late to start over. When our identities become so intertwined with our spouses, they can slowly erode over time if we’re not careful about holding onto who we truly are.
I know I’m connecting with something when I’m thinking “that makes so much sense!” repeatedly while reading. Thanks for some much needed reassurance and clarity this morning.
I’m not even in this situation and yet I think this is a powerfully written article. It is one of the best I have read. Kudos. Let’s throw out trad-media and put you in their place. Brava!
Trying daily to let the guilt go as I hold both fear and excitement -
Disbelief and faith - I feel
Like I have just jumped off the high diving board into the unknown… the thing is we NEVER really know what’s next even when we are in our well-known bubble, so why not take the leap into the unknown, where I know I won’t be living something that isn’t true to myself. These posts always come just when I need them. Divorced at 52 and still trying to figure it all out.
Thank you for writing , thank you so much. I feel like we are all victims of someone else’s “supposed to” plan. Doing my best to make my own plan with kindness and confidence. Really f#%^ing hard.
I'm wondering how it's different for women who left and for women who were left. I'm the latter.
After 25 years together, my husband said he wanted a divorce days after becoming empty nesters. We have two girls who are 22 and 20. The younger had stage IV high-risk cancer when she was four. The treatment left her with stage 3 kidney disease, legally deaf, infertile, and stunted growth and hair.
After treatment, I should've taken care of myself but that felt selfish. My girls had been through so much. They needed me, so I pushed my mental health aside and told myself I'd take care of it later. Well, by then, it was too late. My husband decided to leave long before he actually did.
I thought I could fix my marriage like I did my daughter's cancer. Just try harder, Amy, I told myself. I blamed myself -- if I were a better mom, I would've know my daughter was sick sooner. A better wife, and I would've been able to control my resentment and tone.
Better...better....better...--- fix, fix, fix.
As women we're sold a bill of goods. Give up our own needs to meet everyone else's and we'll be safe and loved. This is not true but the narrative is so strong. It takes time to call foul. And society doesn't like when we call foul on something that is ESSENTIAL to keeping the system in place.
A 50 year old woman who still has worth? YES WE DO! Since my husband left, I've done so many things I NEVER would've done if he were still around. After an awful divorce, nothing was scary anymore. I just published a piece in Vogue that was so vulnerable. My friend said I shouldn't share on my socials. Judgement be damned!
There's nothing more dangerous than a 50 year old woman with nothing to lose I tell my friends (none of whom are divorced and get so uncomfortable when I start, ha!
Here the Vogue piece if interested:)
https://www.vogue.com/article/separate-bedrooms-marriage-essay
Why now? Because you have years to go, and it’s time to find out who YOU are! I guarantee she’s (or if you’re a guy, he’s) gonna pleasantly surprise you.
My divorce was 18 years ago and the scars are still visible when it comes to what happened with my relationships with friends and family during that time - they certainly invited me to carry shame from the divorce. My mother cut me out of her life for more than 3 years and our relationship was never the same after until she died. I lost so many couple friends that my social circle now that I’m older, selective, and it’s hard to make new friends, is much smaller than if I hadn’t divorced. All of this because people made assumptions/had prejudices about what they thought happened in our marriage.
So this really got me: “Here’s what gets buried under all that shame: you didn’t break the marriage. The marriage broke you. You just finally stopped letting it”
I also loved the comment about no longer auditioning for low maintenance.
There is almost not a day that goes by STILL that I am thankful that I divorced though. I am me again.
All of your words resonated! What an emotional read. What wonderful empowering words from a friend! Thank you! 😊
Yes, it is!
Yes!! 🙌 Love this so much—thank you for sharing. This is such an important message for so many women who lose themselves and feel like it’s too late to start over. When our identities become so intertwined with our spouses, they can slowly erode over time if we’re not careful about holding onto who we truly are.
I know I’m connecting with something when I’m thinking “that makes so much sense!” repeatedly while reading. Thanks for some much needed reassurance and clarity this morning.
I’m not even in this situation and yet I think this is a powerfully written article. It is one of the best I have read. Kudos. Let’s throw out trad-media and put you in their place. Brava!
With tears and gratitude-
Trying daily to let the guilt go as I hold both fear and excitement -
Disbelief and faith - I feel
Like I have just jumped off the high diving board into the unknown… the thing is we NEVER really know what’s next even when we are in our well-known bubble, so why not take the leap into the unknown, where I know I won’t be living something that isn’t true to myself. These posts always come just when I need them. Divorced at 52 and still trying to figure it all out.
Thank you for writing , thank you so much. I feel like we are all victims of someone else’s “supposed to” plan. Doing my best to make my own plan with kindness and confidence. Really f#%^ing hard.
The link to the assessment doesn’t work, fyi.