Amazing! Thank you! Divorced a 51. Brutal. Empty nest at same time. Identity crisis, health issues with menopause, moving internationally, and starting over. It’s such a tough time. But I got through it. Love my life and where I am at. Thanks for being vulnerable.
I’m literally reading this standing in my kitchen, while heating up a pizza for my teens, after an hour of working on divorce paperwork, at age 50. I feel so seen — thanks for writing this!
Yes! I was there nineteen years ago, just reflecting on my fiftieth birthday happening while in the process of divorce. Ugh!
The amount of shame I experienced helped me reconsider the truths I had always accepted. It was a major reset. Not a gift, but I learned myself through it.
I appreciate how clear, articulate you are about the actual issues. Thank you!
You’re 💯 right! I left 2 marriages for various reasons.. one was because he became very abusive after going through 4 concussions is a year & his personality completely changed. And he became physically and emotionally abusive. Was I supposed to stay when he refused help & continued to hurt me o rt & over? I stayed for 16 years. And then the other one I was with for 9 years & he was a sober for 25 years but the DAY we got married, he decided that he could have just one drink to celebrate.. he didn’t stop for a year! And he was a bad drunk! Again, he refused to get help! Told me I had to accept him as he was! Are you kidding me? I was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother! It took me decades to heal from that & I wasn’t going to let an abusive drunk run my life again! But it took me years to forgive myself because of the shame I felt for leaving! For believing I deserved more! But I did. And now I found a wonderful man,in my 60s, who is the love of my life! We married 2 years ago and he’s loving, supportive and kind. 💗 I finally did the wound healing work and when I did, I found real love. A woman should NEVER feel obligated to stay in a marriage that’s abusive. Never stay with a man who’s a cheater or a man who doesn’t love and respect you! That’s not what you deserve or what you should put up with until “death do us part”! Nonsense! Get out! Forgive yourself for putting up with it! Go live a life you want with a man who’s a genuine partner. Or not. Just do what’s right for you! It’s not selfish! Women need to stop being nice! Stop putting others first! I write about this in my substack called The Niceness Trap. I love that you’re writing about this topic! Women are NOT second class citizens! It’s ok to love yourself. Your children will thank you one day too. Mine did. They see more than you think! Be an example to them! Send them the message that you don’t have to stay in a marriage where the man expects you to accept his bad behavior no matter what! Sending all of you beautiful women love, courage & strength to do the right thing for yourself.. for your children. It’s ok. It will be ok. 💞👯♀️
This gave me such relief. I’ve cried so much. 56, five kids, and I left last July after 28 years and I am so so tired of trying to justify why that I’ve given up. There’s no one else but there is also nothing else, a huge emotional void too wide to cross (not that I haven’t tried multiple times). Because he’s such a nice, kind man, I’m demonised as selfish, hormonal, perhaps a bit burnt out but isn’t everyone? So I’m rebuilding, alone and that is tough but right and fine.
Thanks for this Ellen. Everything you say rings true for me. Also, it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one struggling with the 3.00 am mental arithmetic not adding up!
Love this article, Ellen. I was only 26 when I got my divorce with a six-month-old and an 18-month-old. No menopause, but the same truths. The marriage was breaking me. Over the decades, when people confide in me that they're getting a divorce or have just gotten one, my reply is usually, "I don't know whether to offer you condolences or give you congratulations!" Blue💙
I filed for divorce when I was 57. It was a scary time, and I had to summon up strength from a very deep place indeed. I remember sending off my solicitors papers at the post office window. I told the clerk it felt ‘like a mountain I had to climb’ She replied ‘You will be fine, and you will get through it’ Words I will always remember. Words that made me cry. But she was right.
I’m not divorced but have lost myself in last couple yrs and then began the road back to me. Your piece resonated with that. Esp this part. “You stop performing “low maintenance.” You ask for what you want out loud. You meet your own eyes in the mirror and say, I’m not negotiating my peace.” You seem brave and insightful. Thank you for sharing.
I got emotional reading this! "You didn't break the marriage. The marriage broke you. You just finally stopped letting it."??? This applies to every system that teaches women to shrink. The wardrobe that makes you small. The beauty standards that make you apologise for aging. The relationships that require you to vanish. Divorce at 50 isn't failure, it's refusal. You're not late. You're right on time. Ellen, this is brilliant. As always!
I ugly cried when I read this. It's not that I don't know most or all of these things, but it feels really good to hear it from someone else and not just from my own head. I guess my biggest issue is that I'm chronically ill and can't support myself and have no other supports so I have so many people acting like I was stupid for leaving and putting myself in this position when I could've stayed and been financially stable. I don't want to have to explain myself to them. To my friends and family. How do they not understand what a horrible, truly transactional relationship that is? And how many times I told them how bad things had gotten after I got sick and they think that's some kind of life for me to stay there for the health benefits and financial assistance. I wouldn't ask my worst enemy to live like that. I had no freedom, no autonomy, I was treated like a child. One of the first things I did once I started making a little money, was absolutely to buy myself soft sheets, gorgeous patterns, and some of them even had flowers. I made my room beautiful and colorful because he never cared whether I was comfortable in my living space. I can only work so much and I feel guilty about every single purchase because I'm so broke, but at the same time after spending over a decade needing to ask permission for every purchase I made, it's so freeing! Buying myself things, having things that were entirely 100% mine. Not "ours" things, MY things! I was so independent when we got together and I left that relationship feeling hobbled in every way possible. I have no idea how I'm going to take care of myself, I can barely work and social security keeps insisting I can work more so that's been a super fun struggle, and yeah, there are so many things I still miss even after two years, (the holidays are the worst time of year, I have no one to celebrate with), but I definitely do not miss the marriage. I enjoy my freedom. I'll figure the rest out somehow.
There’s also a version where the marriage didn’t break, and neither did you. It just reached a point where it no longer held what your life was asking for.
Amazing! Thank you! Divorced a 51. Brutal. Empty nest at same time. Identity crisis, health issues with menopause, moving internationally, and starting over. It’s such a tough time. But I got through it. Love my life and where I am at. Thanks for being vulnerable.
I’m literally reading this standing in my kitchen, while heating up a pizza for my teens, after an hour of working on divorce paperwork, at age 50. I feel so seen — thanks for writing this!
Yes! I was there nineteen years ago, just reflecting on my fiftieth birthday happening while in the process of divorce. Ugh!
The amount of shame I experienced helped me reconsider the truths I had always accepted. It was a major reset. Not a gift, but I learned myself through it.
I appreciate how clear, articulate you are about the actual issues. Thank you!
I’ve saved this and every time I beat myself up about leaving I’m going to read it 🙏
I’m almost 50. 50!! My “estrogen goggles” are gone. Attempting to be replaced by the slow drip of a patch.
After 30 years with my, we’ll call him ‘wired differently’, husband… all I can do is write.
Curiosity alone has kept me in my marriage.
This post was like a breath of fresh air wrapped in a loving hug.
Thank you for these words.
You’re 💯 right! I left 2 marriages for various reasons.. one was because he became very abusive after going through 4 concussions is a year & his personality completely changed. And he became physically and emotionally abusive. Was I supposed to stay when he refused help & continued to hurt me o rt & over? I stayed for 16 years. And then the other one I was with for 9 years & he was a sober for 25 years but the DAY we got married, he decided that he could have just one drink to celebrate.. he didn’t stop for a year! And he was a bad drunk! Again, he refused to get help! Told me I had to accept him as he was! Are you kidding me? I was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother! It took me decades to heal from that & I wasn’t going to let an abusive drunk run my life again! But it took me years to forgive myself because of the shame I felt for leaving! For believing I deserved more! But I did. And now I found a wonderful man,in my 60s, who is the love of my life! We married 2 years ago and he’s loving, supportive and kind. 💗 I finally did the wound healing work and when I did, I found real love. A woman should NEVER feel obligated to stay in a marriage that’s abusive. Never stay with a man who’s a cheater or a man who doesn’t love and respect you! That’s not what you deserve or what you should put up with until “death do us part”! Nonsense! Get out! Forgive yourself for putting up with it! Go live a life you want with a man who’s a genuine partner. Or not. Just do what’s right for you! It’s not selfish! Women need to stop being nice! Stop putting others first! I write about this in my substack called The Niceness Trap. I love that you’re writing about this topic! Women are NOT second class citizens! It’s ok to love yourself. Your children will thank you one day too. Mine did. They see more than you think! Be an example to them! Send them the message that you don’t have to stay in a marriage where the man expects you to accept his bad behavior no matter what! Sending all of you beautiful women love, courage & strength to do the right thing for yourself.. for your children. It’s ok. It will be ok. 💞👯♀️
This gave me such relief. I’ve cried so much. 56, five kids, and I left last July after 28 years and I am so so tired of trying to justify why that I’ve given up. There’s no one else but there is also nothing else, a huge emotional void too wide to cross (not that I haven’t tried multiple times). Because he’s such a nice, kind man, I’m demonised as selfish, hormonal, perhaps a bit burnt out but isn’t everyone? So I’m rebuilding, alone and that is tough but right and fine.
Thanks for this Ellen. Everything you say rings true for me. Also, it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one struggling with the 3.00 am mental arithmetic not adding up!
Love this article, Ellen. I was only 26 when I got my divorce with a six-month-old and an 18-month-old. No menopause, but the same truths. The marriage was breaking me. Over the decades, when people confide in me that they're getting a divorce or have just gotten one, my reply is usually, "I don't know whether to offer you condolences or give you congratulations!" Blue💙
I filed for divorce when I was 57. It was a scary time, and I had to summon up strength from a very deep place indeed. I remember sending off my solicitors papers at the post office window. I told the clerk it felt ‘like a mountain I had to climb’ She replied ‘You will be fine, and you will get through it’ Words I will always remember. Words that made me cry. But she was right.
I’m not divorced but have lost myself in last couple yrs and then began the road back to me. Your piece resonated with that. Esp this part. “You stop performing “low maintenance.” You ask for what you want out loud. You meet your own eyes in the mirror and say, I’m not negotiating my peace.” You seem brave and insightful. Thank you for sharing.
Just marvelous. The writing AND the points made. Thank you.
I got emotional reading this! "You didn't break the marriage. The marriage broke you. You just finally stopped letting it."??? This applies to every system that teaches women to shrink. The wardrobe that makes you small. The beauty standards that make you apologise for aging. The relationships that require you to vanish. Divorce at 50 isn't failure, it's refusal. You're not late. You're right on time. Ellen, this is brilliant. As always!
I ugly cried when I read this. It's not that I don't know most or all of these things, but it feels really good to hear it from someone else and not just from my own head. I guess my biggest issue is that I'm chronically ill and can't support myself and have no other supports so I have so many people acting like I was stupid for leaving and putting myself in this position when I could've stayed and been financially stable. I don't want to have to explain myself to them. To my friends and family. How do they not understand what a horrible, truly transactional relationship that is? And how many times I told them how bad things had gotten after I got sick and they think that's some kind of life for me to stay there for the health benefits and financial assistance. I wouldn't ask my worst enemy to live like that. I had no freedom, no autonomy, I was treated like a child. One of the first things I did once I started making a little money, was absolutely to buy myself soft sheets, gorgeous patterns, and some of them even had flowers. I made my room beautiful and colorful because he never cared whether I was comfortable in my living space. I can only work so much and I feel guilty about every single purchase because I'm so broke, but at the same time after spending over a decade needing to ask permission for every purchase I made, it's so freeing! Buying myself things, having things that were entirely 100% mine. Not "ours" things, MY things! I was so independent when we got together and I left that relationship feeling hobbled in every way possible. I have no idea how I'm going to take care of myself, I can barely work and social security keeps insisting I can work more so that's been a super fun struggle, and yeah, there are so many things I still miss even after two years, (the holidays are the worst time of year, I have no one to celebrate with), but I definitely do not miss the marriage. I enjoy my freedom. I'll figure the rest out somehow.
There’s also a version where the marriage didn’t break, and neither did you. It just reached a point where it no longer held what your life was asking for.