So relatable. I finally had to stop carrying all the things and put it back on the people who needed to carry it themselves. I’m not talking about children because I don’t have any but friends partners anybody else who I’d assume responsibility for who could’ve maintained their own lives
If you’re like me and don’t see the dynamic of a male borderline and a female covert narcissist, my new novel “See You Next Tuesday, Christine” is serialized fantasy based on my life where I personify BPD as a ghost, similar to Dexter with his dark passenger. '
Oh I feel this so much. And the hardest part is the irritability it can bring one when you feel you are being constantly interrupted because you’re running lists and scenarios in your mind!
I really like this: “Multitasking is not doing two things at once. It’s switching between them. Fast. Over and over. And every single switch has a neurological price.” That helps me understand why my brain hurts- I fool myself into thinking I’m being efficient, but really I’m task switching super fast… Ug. I’ve never heard the term attention residue, but the residue appears to be building up… Thank you for this article!
Ellen, this explains something many women experience privately and then misinterpret as personal failure, aging, irritability, or emotional instability rather than chronic cognitive overload. “Your brain wasn’t failing. It was full” feels like the emotional center of the piece because it reframes forgetfulness, depletion, and shortened patience as the consequence of carrying an unsustainable amount of invisible responsibility for too long. I also appreciated how clearly you distinguished mental load from physical tasks themselves; the remembering, anticipating, tracking, and emotional monitoring often become exhausting precisely because they are continuous and largely unseen by others. Thank you for writing about this with such clarity and grounded compassion, because I think many readers will feel relieved simply to see their experience named so accurately.
This: “But the challenge is that relaxation requires your brain to believe, at the level of your nervous system, that nothing urgent is waiting. That it’s actually safe to stop monitoring.” I seriously don’t think that day is ever going to come!! 😬
I see this in my world time and time again: a brain that has been running everyone’s life on silent mode so long that it finally starts dropping words and snapping at milk on the counter.
It reframes her edge as evidence of chronic cognitive overload and invisible labor, not bad character, what happens when a high‑capacity woman’s mind has been the family’s operating system for decades and is finally refusing to carry the whole thing alone.
Thank you, thank you for validating what I have been experiencing. So many times my husband loses clothing items and just makes me crazy. I snap. I have been the one trying to keep track of his clothes, what he wears when something "dressier" than a t-shirt is required, when he has a doctor appointment, why he can't find anything, etc. Tired! I'm working harder at not worrying about his clothing as well as many other things I've been "responsible for."
Gosh, yes. And now I've turned into an unpaid carer for my mobility impaired partner. Who evidently expects me to still have all the answers. FFS, how hard is it to check your phone or the calendar if you want to know what day it is? Apparently it's easier to ask me, so I have to then check the calendar which is in full view with the current day highlighted, and then tell him.
And "what is the dog eating today?" is apparently easier than simply checking the fridge for the colour-coded boxes and, if there aren't any, just giving her an egg.
I feel this so hard. Lately I'm trying to stop getting ahead of everyone else's decisions in my household and letting them experience their own poor outcomes from choices they make, because I didn't out-think them and stop them first. And you know what? The world didn't end. I was shocked.
It feels as though you wrote about me, Ellen. Even on a Sunday morning I wake up with lists in my head. Makes it difficult to fully relax. When I got up an hour ago I asked myself when I lost the lightness of simply being happy about a new day. I think only a complete reset can help. Change of life. Let‘s see. Thank you for the eye-opening piece. It‘s like a mirror explaining to myself what is happening.
Just read this post, then Ellen's ebook linked to this post (new to sub stack). If you haven't yet, do it. I'm under 40, not the target audience, but “I’ve been Leaning in For Thirty Years and my back hurts” belongs on a T-shirt and I would absolutely buy one.
That distinction between aging and actual brain depletion hits so hard, especially the reality that becoming "difficult" is usually just the moment the capacity to hide our utter exhaustion finally runs out ✨
So relatable. I finally had to stop carrying all the things and put it back on the people who needed to carry it themselves. I’m not talking about children because I don’t have any but friends partners anybody else who I’d assume responsibility for who could’ve maintained their own lives
Thank you! Again! ❤️
If you’re like me and don’t see the dynamic of a male borderline and a female covert narcissist, my new novel “See You Next Tuesday, Christine” is serialized fantasy based on my life where I personify BPD as a ghost, similar to Dexter with his dark passenger. '
Any support would be appreciated!
http://3rdestate.substack.com/s/christine
Oh I feel this so much. And the hardest part is the irritability it can bring one when you feel you are being constantly interrupted because you’re running lists and scenarios in your mind!
I really like this: “Multitasking is not doing two things at once. It’s switching between them. Fast. Over and over. And every single switch has a neurological price.” That helps me understand why my brain hurts- I fool myself into thinking I’m being efficient, but really I’m task switching super fast… Ug. I’ve never heard the term attention residue, but the residue appears to be building up… Thank you for this article!
Ellen, this explains something many women experience privately and then misinterpret as personal failure, aging, irritability, or emotional instability rather than chronic cognitive overload. “Your brain wasn’t failing. It was full” feels like the emotional center of the piece because it reframes forgetfulness, depletion, and shortened patience as the consequence of carrying an unsustainable amount of invisible responsibility for too long. I also appreciated how clearly you distinguished mental load from physical tasks themselves; the remembering, anticipating, tracking, and emotional monitoring often become exhausting precisely because they are continuous and largely unseen by others. Thank you for writing about this with such clarity and grounded compassion, because I think many readers will feel relieved simply to see their experience named so accurately.
This: “But the challenge is that relaxation requires your brain to believe, at the level of your nervous system, that nothing urgent is waiting. That it’s actually safe to stop monitoring.” I seriously don’t think that day is ever going to come!! 😬
I see this in my world time and time again: a brain that has been running everyone’s life on silent mode so long that it finally starts dropping words and snapping at milk on the counter.
It reframes her edge as evidence of chronic cognitive overload and invisible labor, not bad character, what happens when a high‑capacity woman’s mind has been the family’s operating system for decades and is finally refusing to carry the whole thing alone.
Thank you, thank you for validating what I have been experiencing. So many times my husband loses clothing items and just makes me crazy. I snap. I have been the one trying to keep track of his clothes, what he wears when something "dressier" than a t-shirt is required, when he has a doctor appointment, why he can't find anything, etc. Tired! I'm working harder at not worrying about his clothing as well as many other things I've been "responsible for."
You and I are the same age and going through similar situations. Do you sometimes just think, and these people are running the planet? Best to you!
I feel this mental loud all too often and can feel how it's built up over the years.
Gosh, yes. And now I've turned into an unpaid carer for my mobility impaired partner. Who evidently expects me to still have all the answers. FFS, how hard is it to check your phone or the calendar if you want to know what day it is? Apparently it's easier to ask me, so I have to then check the calendar which is in full view with the current day highlighted, and then tell him.
And "what is the dog eating today?" is apparently easier than simply checking the fridge for the colour-coded boxes and, if there aren't any, just giving her an egg.
I feel this so hard. Lately I'm trying to stop getting ahead of everyone else's decisions in my household and letting them experience their own poor outcomes from choices they make, because I didn't out-think them and stop them first. And you know what? The world didn't end. I was shocked.
It feels as though you wrote about me, Ellen. Even on a Sunday morning I wake up with lists in my head. Makes it difficult to fully relax. When I got up an hour ago I asked myself when I lost the lightness of simply being happy about a new day. I think only a complete reset can help. Change of life. Let‘s see. Thank you for the eye-opening piece. It‘s like a mirror explaining to myself what is happening.
Just read this post, then Ellen's ebook linked to this post (new to sub stack). If you haven't yet, do it. I'm under 40, not the target audience, but “I’ve been Leaning in For Thirty Years and my back hurts” belongs on a T-shirt and I would absolutely buy one.
This piece resonates with me (85)
And my daughter and daughter in law and just about every woman I I know. Totally spot on!
That distinction between aging and actual brain depletion hits so hard, especially the reality that becoming "difficult" is usually just the moment the capacity to hide our utter exhaustion finally runs out ✨