Not Giving a Fuck Is Not the Same as Being Real
You Can Be Yourself AND Still Give a Shit
Let’s clear something up right away.
Women in midlife come to me feeling drained.
They’ve been invested in everything—what others think of them, being perceived in the right way, doing things right, making sure everyone’s comfortable, making sure their house is clean enough in case unexpected people come along.
“Stop giving a fuck” becomes the equivalent of “oxygen” when they hear it.
And it is. Just not the way most people think.
The things you can stop caring about
Here’s the permission slip: you’re definitely permitted to stop caring about the performative BS.
You do not have to worry about the decor of the house you live in being “perfect” enough to be posted on Pinterest.
You do not have to share the “highlights” of your life on social media.
You do not have to dress in a particular fashion to convey the message that you know what you are doing at this point in your life.
You do not have to “perform” happiness when you are not feeling it.
You do not need to justify yourself to others who are not living your own life.
You do not need to shrink yourself to create comfort for others.
That’s not being inauthentic. That’s being liberated.
The confusion about caring
This is where the catch comes in.
Being concerned about the way you appear doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic. Picking the outfit that makes you feel good about yourself, styling your hair, applying lipstick because you admire the way it looks, has nothing to do with being fake.
And yet we’ve created this weird equation where not giving a fuck about your appearance equals being ‘real,’ and caring about how you present yourself means you’re performing for others.
That’s ridiculous.
Authenticity doesn’t mean you disdain grooming and aesthetics. Authenticity doesn’t mean you can be seen in sweatpants because you simply don’t care. You can be concerned about what you’re wearing and be authentic about how you’re presenting yourself.
The question isn’t whether you care about the way you look. The question is, are you using the way you look as armor against connection or as an expression of yourself?
The difference is huge.
The things you can’t stop caring about
Here’s where things get tricky.
You can’t stop caring about impact and be “real” at the same time.
You can’t stop caring about whether the things you say might hurt people who matter to you.
You can’t stop caring about showing up in relationships.
A "not giving a fuck" philosophy may work as a license to stop caring about one's impact on others.
That’s not freedom. That’s armor.
This is often what happens.
Someone chooses to stop caring what others think. This is wonderful.
However, they also stop caring whether they’re there when their friends are there.
They stop caring if their truth-dropping has the impact of a bullet.
They stop caring about the phone being answered.
They stop caring about kindness.
Erik Erikson speaks of the crisis of middle years: generativity vs. stagnation. The individuals who are thriving are the ones who remain connected to meaning, connection, and contribution.
The ones who withdraw and stop caring? They do not become more authentic. They become isolated.
The brutal honesty trap
At some point, we mixed authenticity up with brutalism.
“I’m just being honest,” is the comment immediately following a remark that stings like a slap. As if honesty had to hurt. As if the truth could not be spoken softly.
Here’s where the “don’t give a fuck” philosophy goes awry.
People begin to believe that it’s uncool to care about anything—to care about appearances, what others think of them, whether their words are hurting.
They begin to move in a polar opposite: saying whatever they happen to be thinking, showing up however they happen to be feeling.
Studies from communication psychology say: people will remember not only the things you said but also the feelings you conveyed when you said them.
Brutal honesty can be right, but if it harms the relationship, you win the battle but lose the war.
That’s not authenticity. That’s honesty as a weapon.
What authenticity really means
Authenticity has nothing to do with verbalizing each and every thought that passes through your head or discounting anything that might seem to be the slightest bit of effort.
It’s about understanding yourself enough to be able to communicate what’s important to you in ways that respect you and the person you are communicating with.
Authenticity actually calls for something much harder: it takes you staying connected while being honest.
It takes you caring about the other person AND yourself.
It takes you finding the words that are both the truth and kind.
It takes you showing up in a way that reflects who you are, which might be in the dress that makes you feel strong or saying the truth that needs to be said.
The difference is in the caring
Ask yourself: “Am I using the phrase ‘not giving a fuck’ as an excuse to avoid the hard work required to stay connected?
Releasing the expectations of others about what you should look like, what you should want, who you should be at this stage of your life is liberating.
“I don’t give a fuck” being the reason you stop being there, stop communicating clearly, stop caring about the impact of the choices you make regarding the people you love—that’s avoidance.
The sweet spot involves being passionate about things that matter and letting go of things that do not.
You might not care about being “flattering” in the fashion magazines’ definition of the term, but you care about feeling good about yourself.
You might not care about being judged regarding the choices you make in life, but you care about being truthful about the choices you make with the people around you.
You might not care about preserving the relationships that drain you, but you care about the ones you value.
What this looks like
The women who do this best have found that authenticity doesn’t mean being less invested. It means being more invested in the right ways.
They’ve ceased wasting their energy on their comparisons to others, their midlife being done right, whether others are approving of their choices, holding onto relationships that never had their best interests at heart.
And they’ve begun to put this energy towards being truthful about what they want from others and themselves, and being there in the ways that count when it’s not comfortable.
You stop caring about what others might think of you being “too intense” or “too much.” Wear what makes you feel good, and don’t apologize for it. You release the need to be liked by everyone.
The freedom in caring
When you do this correctly, something clicks.
You stop feeling as though you’re trying to direct a performance and begin feeling as though you’re actually living.
You feel more energized because you’re not expending that energy on non-important things.
You’re being more honest because you are not trying to protect an image.
People feel you’re more authentic, not less.
Crystal clear about what you care about.
Honest about what you will and won’t do.
You should be considerate in your actions, but you should no longer strive to fit into a mold that was never intended for you.
That’s what real looks like.
Not caring about everything. Not caring about anything. Caring strategically, intentionally, about the things that actually matter.
The relief? It’s the oxygen you’ve been looking for.
I’d love to know your thoughts. I read all of them.
I’m building a space for women who are done performing. If this resonated with you, stick around. There’s more where this came from, and we’re just getting started.
I like this. I do give a shit. I just don't give a fuck. There is a huge difference.
"Erik Erikson speaks of the crisis of middle years: generativity vs. stagnation. The individuals who are thriving are the ones who remain connected to meaning, connection, and contribution." This is everything.
Not caring about how you're perceived- with actual care, connection, and contribution. I had to stop saying, "let's think about how this impacts everyone," to "we are talking about children and families! That is who we are here for, not the comfort of some group who cares more about removing all access to everything to suit their nonsensical ideology!"
I am happy you shared this article because there are too many who practice not GAF while really not caring about anyone but themselves. They'll claim it's identy, or unable to be controlled, or some other excuse and bring everyone down with them. I hate it. The self-centeredness needs to stop- for the good of the whole.