It took me until middle age to learn what you’ve posted here. it took me a long time to unlearn behaviors that were not serving me well and therefore I was not always the person I wanted to be around others. Now, as an older woman I feel I can mentor some of the young women I know who are struggling- a niece, a cousin and other friends.
Once upon a time I was a bullied girl who at the psychologist office heard how the psychologist in question told my parents my interest in clothes was a desperate attempt of mine to fit.
It felt like a punch because it was far from the truth (I truly liked fashion) and my parents were more eager to believe what a professional had to say, than their own child.
Trauma aside, I believe a lot of conversations about authenticity lack... authenticity. I mean, we talk about outfits, Pinterest houses, hell the world is obssessed with aesthetics and all that adds a certain pressure. But for many of us, the real pressure was never about stylistic choices, it was about performance.
For me, authenticity isn’t opting out of caring and what people call “not giving a fuck” often becomes another performance anyway, just in a different form of expression.
I don’t need to stop caring about clothes (I never had) to feel real, I need to stop caring about being the palatable version of myself that keeps the room comfortable, that’s the actual beast.
Thank you so much for this piece. It has been a breath of fresh air for me: a woman of the age you are addressing having troubles dealing with my mother in her eighties.
I read your earlier piece about not GAF through the eyes of my mother—as if it were addressed to her—without the clarification of this later piece. With only the first piece, my takeaway was that I should respect some of her off-putting behavior and dismissive tone and instead reframe this behavior as her authentic self and tolerate it if I want to stay in her orbit.
While she has no cognitive issues, lives independently with my father in my childhood home, and is in quite good health, she frequently sites “stress” and “anxiety”—although she has very few commitments and rarely leaves the house—for cancelling plans with little regard to how these often last-minute decisions impact those she loves. While there are some mobility issues, they are not so great that they cannot be overcome with forethought and sensitivity by her family—both of which she has in abundance.
In conversations both in person and on the phone, she has occasionally announced unapologetically that the subject is to be changed, even pronouncing once, “This conversation is over.” To be honest, these have often been discussions that are politically tinged, but her politics are the same as my own. SHE is allowed to broach the subject, but I am only allowed a designated amount of time—determined by her—to continue the discussion, apparently.
While we must hear every detail of her various ailments (none that are serious, life-threatening, or involve chronic pain), she is dismissive of others’ health concerns and quickly changes the subject—often back to herself.
Although my father is on the receiving end of her curtness and dismissiveness, he rarely if ever challenges her. My father has always basically created a buffer for her so that she doesn’t have to put herself in uncomfortable situations—however she defines that—making excuses and apologizing for her.
I used to see this as kindness, selflessness, and sensitivity—a spouse who put his wife’s comfort and concerns above his own. I am sad to say that, years later, I see that his lack of any reaction to her behavior has enabled a lot of her self-centeredness—behavior that is now isolating her. She is even pushing her own children away—from herself and from my father.
I suspect there are issues of depression/anxiety as well as narcissistic behavior that have gotten worse with age. In other words, it’s not merely a late-in-life neurologically-based attitude of putting herself first. There are other contributing factors.
I’ve gone into such detail to say that this had been preying on me quite a bit and that the specificity of the second piece has been a godsend to me.
I now take away that not prioritizing one’s loved ones and being sensitive to those closest to you and how you treat and speak to them is not then “authentic” behavior. One can authentically “deprioritize” concerns, causes, organizations, and people who are no longer important, but being authentic does not mean not GAF about anything at all and not concerning oneself with others’ feelings at all.
I will continue to tolerate my mother’s behavior within my own prescribed limits. My expectations—that she be sensitive to how her actions affect me and the rest of my family and that she say honest things in a sensitive way—or better yet not comment at all!—are not unreasonable.
Very nice distinctions. When viewed from a lens of healing from trauma and information flows, where we are living in environments of legacy trauma associated with dysfunctional human organizational systems that privileged top-down control information flows. The transition towards holistic wisdom requires integration of top-down with bottom-up information flows...sensing and feeling...somatic integration in order to cultivate and nurture learning wisdom from experiences and recognizing the limitations of our world-models. It's learning self-trust, self-regulation of one's nervous system...so that we can become role models for our inner children, then we can become role-models for co-regulation and authentic presence with others. So, learning how to use our energy wisely means learning good decision-making and learning how to recognize patterns of behavior in ourselves and others, and to move from being reactive to being responsive. Technology platforms like social media have amplified distorting projections, resulting in disconnection, distraction, distortions of information that polarize. So, it's important to understand how to protect ourselves and others from these extractive algorithms....When we interact in person, we can sense each other's energy and intensions with more grace. Contemplative arts practices can help us learn to regulate our nervous systems so that we can discern our own behavior patterns so that we expand our world models to realize that we're interdependent with the universe at the level of energy vibrations...so that we learn to stabilize our energy vibrations with authentic kindness....then we can understand how to minimizing harms due to our own insecurities and to be an influencer for universal peace and love....then we'll all help trigger an avalanche of kindness...that is a worthwhile destiny for humanity because it's a pathway towards learning sustainable collaborative futures. Kindness recognizes that dysfunctional behaviors become a negative vortex and sometimes the best thing we can do is to remove ourselves from co-dependency relationships, even if it is the most painful decision because we need to learn from pain and try to minimize suffering. Loving relationships will end in pain, loss, grief...so learning to minimize suffering takes self-compassion, kindness, grace, and time. There is so much suffering right now in the world, often caused by those who have deep wounds of trauma that they have not accepted responsibility for healing...instead they project dominance, violence, bullying, guilt, shaming...to try to control and manipulate others.
How to learn more about getting over the negative vortex that my mind goes too naturally. I have been told in my younger years I was a light in the halls of highschool …. But I lost it by condemnation and being a person of trust which seems brought the positive energy relationships in to steel the light I had. Now I’m alone and thought this will be great. Finally in my retirement years I’m no longer in a negative dominating abusive relationships… That trickled down to me being ugly with words right back. Wrong defense response.
I like to learn more.
Instead of hearing it’s all about Jesus . Never fitting in to the Bible belt . Although I tried Jesus and it seems so much like a profitable organization that wants my time! And profess Jesus to all. I do not perceive the message that Jesus the saviour or Jesus the man ???? gave a message to push His message nor to take a financial profit for it.
Religion is off my list but energy is on it! Changing my mindset. getting rid of the past lovingly!
Love the clarity you bring to this concept; the beauty and reality is in the nuance. Let's care about the things that matter, not quit caring. Thanks for capturing that so well!
I love this distinction and appreciate you writing this post! We must pay attention to the things that drain us and refocus our energy on things that fill us up. I care deeply about a lot of things, but can release my worry about what others think because I’m being true to myself. It can be a difficult balance, but one that is absolutely worth it.
Yes! Regarding Erikson's generativity vs stagnation - real contribution requires creativity, attunement, transformation.... definitely giving a shit, just not giving a fuck about the mold we thought we were supposed to fit into.
Interesting, and yes, I agree not caring is definitely not authenticity
Good balance!
This is one of the most important, clarifying, heart and eyes wide open piece I've read in such a long time. Thank you, and a full-bodied "AMEN"
Good articulation and insight! 🌸 It might be freeing to realize we don’t have to please or be perfect, but it can go too far. 😊
OMG, as I read this I realized it was exactly what my therapist and I had talked about that day.
Everything SO true, I just wanted to hug you for putting my thoughts on paper for all to see.
Please keep it up.
Valerie B.
It took me until middle age to learn what you’ve posted here. it took me a long time to unlearn behaviors that were not serving me well and therefore I was not always the person I wanted to be around others. Now, as an older woman I feel I can mentor some of the young women I know who are struggling- a niece, a cousin and other friends.
Thank you for this post.
Once upon a time I was a bullied girl who at the psychologist office heard how the psychologist in question told my parents my interest in clothes was a desperate attempt of mine to fit.
It felt like a punch because it was far from the truth (I truly liked fashion) and my parents were more eager to believe what a professional had to say, than their own child.
Trauma aside, I believe a lot of conversations about authenticity lack... authenticity. I mean, we talk about outfits, Pinterest houses, hell the world is obssessed with aesthetics and all that adds a certain pressure. But for many of us, the real pressure was never about stylistic choices, it was about performance.
For me, authenticity isn’t opting out of caring and what people call “not giving a fuck” often becomes another performance anyway, just in a different form of expression.
I don’t need to stop caring about clothes (I never had) to feel real, I need to stop caring about being the palatable version of myself that keeps the room comfortable, that’s the actual beast.
Nicely stated. I call it ‘being kind while being honest’.
This reminded me of, 'Do no harm, but/and take no shit!'. Thank you for that, I'm wending this path currently.
What do you think about forwarding this article to my 16yo grand-daughter?
Hi Gloria. She is old enough to learn this, and it would be a valuable lesson.
Thank you so much for this piece. It has been a breath of fresh air for me: a woman of the age you are addressing having troubles dealing with my mother in her eighties.
I read your earlier piece about not GAF through the eyes of my mother—as if it were addressed to her—without the clarification of this later piece. With only the first piece, my takeaway was that I should respect some of her off-putting behavior and dismissive tone and instead reframe this behavior as her authentic self and tolerate it if I want to stay in her orbit.
While she has no cognitive issues, lives independently with my father in my childhood home, and is in quite good health, she frequently sites “stress” and “anxiety”—although she has very few commitments and rarely leaves the house—for cancelling plans with little regard to how these often last-minute decisions impact those she loves. While there are some mobility issues, they are not so great that they cannot be overcome with forethought and sensitivity by her family—both of which she has in abundance.
In conversations both in person and on the phone, she has occasionally announced unapologetically that the subject is to be changed, even pronouncing once, “This conversation is over.” To be honest, these have often been discussions that are politically tinged, but her politics are the same as my own. SHE is allowed to broach the subject, but I am only allowed a designated amount of time—determined by her—to continue the discussion, apparently.
While we must hear every detail of her various ailments (none that are serious, life-threatening, or involve chronic pain), she is dismissive of others’ health concerns and quickly changes the subject—often back to herself.
Although my father is on the receiving end of her curtness and dismissiveness, he rarely if ever challenges her. My father has always basically created a buffer for her so that she doesn’t have to put herself in uncomfortable situations—however she defines that—making excuses and apologizing for her.
I used to see this as kindness, selflessness, and sensitivity—a spouse who put his wife’s comfort and concerns above his own. I am sad to say that, years later, I see that his lack of any reaction to her behavior has enabled a lot of her self-centeredness—behavior that is now isolating her. She is even pushing her own children away—from herself and from my father.
I suspect there are issues of depression/anxiety as well as narcissistic behavior that have gotten worse with age. In other words, it’s not merely a late-in-life neurologically-based attitude of putting herself first. There are other contributing factors.
I’ve gone into such detail to say that this had been preying on me quite a bit and that the specificity of the second piece has been a godsend to me.
I now take away that not prioritizing one’s loved ones and being sensitive to those closest to you and how you treat and speak to them is not then “authentic” behavior. One can authentically “deprioritize” concerns, causes, organizations, and people who are no longer important, but being authentic does not mean not GAF about anything at all and not concerning oneself with others’ feelings at all.
I will continue to tolerate my mother’s behavior within my own prescribed limits. My expectations—that she be sensitive to how her actions affect me and the rest of my family and that she say honest things in a sensitive way—or better yet not comment at all!—are not unreasonable.
Than you. 🙏🏻
The clarity of this is very helpful and liberating.. I hear the hallelujah!
Very nice distinctions. When viewed from a lens of healing from trauma and information flows, where we are living in environments of legacy trauma associated with dysfunctional human organizational systems that privileged top-down control information flows. The transition towards holistic wisdom requires integration of top-down with bottom-up information flows...sensing and feeling...somatic integration in order to cultivate and nurture learning wisdom from experiences and recognizing the limitations of our world-models. It's learning self-trust, self-regulation of one's nervous system...so that we can become role models for our inner children, then we can become role-models for co-regulation and authentic presence with others. So, learning how to use our energy wisely means learning good decision-making and learning how to recognize patterns of behavior in ourselves and others, and to move from being reactive to being responsive. Technology platforms like social media have amplified distorting projections, resulting in disconnection, distraction, distortions of information that polarize. So, it's important to understand how to protect ourselves and others from these extractive algorithms....When we interact in person, we can sense each other's energy and intensions with more grace. Contemplative arts practices can help us learn to regulate our nervous systems so that we can discern our own behavior patterns so that we expand our world models to realize that we're interdependent with the universe at the level of energy vibrations...so that we learn to stabilize our energy vibrations with authentic kindness....then we can understand how to minimizing harms due to our own insecurities and to be an influencer for universal peace and love....then we'll all help trigger an avalanche of kindness...that is a worthwhile destiny for humanity because it's a pathway towards learning sustainable collaborative futures. Kindness recognizes that dysfunctional behaviors become a negative vortex and sometimes the best thing we can do is to remove ourselves from co-dependency relationships, even if it is the most painful decision because we need to learn from pain and try to minimize suffering. Loving relationships will end in pain, loss, grief...so learning to minimize suffering takes self-compassion, kindness, grace, and time. There is so much suffering right now in the world, often caused by those who have deep wounds of trauma that they have not accepted responsibility for healing...instead they project dominance, violence, bullying, guilt, shaming...to try to control and manipulate others.
How to learn more about getting over the negative vortex that my mind goes too naturally. I have been told in my younger years I was a light in the halls of highschool …. But I lost it by condemnation and being a person of trust which seems brought the positive energy relationships in to steel the light I had. Now I’m alone and thought this will be great. Finally in my retirement years I’m no longer in a negative dominating abusive relationships… That trickled down to me being ugly with words right back. Wrong defense response.
I like to learn more.
Instead of hearing it’s all about Jesus . Never fitting in to the Bible belt . Although I tried Jesus and it seems so much like a profitable organization that wants my time! And profess Jesus to all. I do not perceive the message that Jesus the saviour or Jesus the man ???? gave a message to push His message nor to take a financial profit for it.
Religion is off my list but energy is on it! Changing my mindset. getting rid of the past lovingly!
Love the clarity you bring to this concept; the beauty and reality is in the nuance. Let's care about the things that matter, not quit caring. Thanks for capturing that so well!
I love this distinction and appreciate you writing this post! We must pay attention to the things that drain us and refocus our energy on things that fill us up. I care deeply about a lot of things, but can release my worry about what others think because I’m being true to myself. It can be a difficult balance, but one that is absolutely worth it.
Yes! Regarding Erikson's generativity vs stagnation - real contribution requires creativity, attunement, transformation.... definitely giving a shit, just not giving a fuck about the mold we thought we were supposed to fit into.