really good post! In my case it's earrings. More like "I can't be bothered to think about them!" than wanting to be safe. But you inspire me to make an earring choice every morning!
Exactly. My stepmother gave me a very swishy pair of earrings with rubies in them, and I said ,"When would I wear these in Taos?" and she said, exactly as you do, "Going to the grocery store."
I don't wear make-up - haven't for years - and have never died my hair, simply because I don't want to, but I do like my earrings. 😊 Before perimenopause I wore colour, then during the perimenopause my periods were so horrendous I began wearing black in case of accidents - and found it was so easy and practical that I continued. I do wear t-shirts depicting pictures and sarky or funny messages, but the base colour is always black. My problem is I have diastasis recti and finding clothing I actually like which actually fits is a challenge to say the least! I also don't like being told what to do, and what not to do, by the 'Health & Beauty' industry, and I hate the devastating impact fast fashion has on the environment.
The perimenopause → black for practicality → stayed there pipeline is SO real. And you are right: black for accidents made sense. Black forever because it became a habit is different.
You don't have to change anything. Just notice if the practicality reason is still true, or if it is become the story you tell yourself about why you are still there. Snarky t-shirts on black is still personality. You're not invisible.
And diastasis recti making clothes hard to find? I can absolutely see that. That is so damn legitimate. And real! And I wish designs would be in general so much more inclusive for all body shapes and sizes
This article isn't saying ignore your body. It is saying: make sure your choices are yours, not the culture's. And you know what? Sounds like yours are. ♥️
I think maybe I’ve been doing this my whole life in one way or another. My alcoholic narcissistic father thought he was “helping me understand the world” when he constantly warned me that he would “have to beat the boys off with a stick” because I was becoming too pretty. Now at 40 I’m slowly unpacking all the baggage from him and realizing that my clothes choices have been made out of fear my whole life. I’ve always felt so uncomfortable in my body, like it is a burden and never good enough and I absolutely hate being the center of attention (everyone looking at me? no thanks!). Now I’m bit by bit adding statement pieces that I really love to my closet but I still rarely choose them. Thanks so much for the inspiration to dive into the question of why I don’t choose them more.
ShasRasz, thank you so much for sharing this. What your father did? Teaching you that being visible meant being in danger? That wasn't helping you understand the world. That was teaching you to hide.
And you have been hiding ever since. Not because you don't love the statement pieces. Because visibility still feels dangerous. Unpacking that at 40 takes courage. Adding the pieces to your closet is step one. Wearing them is step two. And that second step might take time.
Be patient with yourself. You are unlearning decades of survival strategy. You are allowed to take up space. Even if it still feels scary. 💛
This is the same conditioning that has brainwashed women into believing going naturally gray is something to hide and makes them look OLD, while men don't face the same criticism. I've let my natural gray hair grown in and now I'm finding that I want to embrace brighter colours. I'm through letting society and the patriarchy tell me I'm no longer valid as a person.
You just named the connection. Grey hair = evidence of time lived = must be hidden. Bright colours = evidence of visibility = must be dimmed. Both are the same regulation. Both say: your existence past a certain age is the problem. And going grey while wearing bright colours? That's the double refusal. I love my greying hair. I embrace it no matter what people say. And you? You are not hiding that you are living AND you are not apologising for still being here either! That's exactly right. Keep both. 💛
I love that you wrote a response to this, Alaina. Just read it! You are right - it is not universal. The piece was never "all women fade." It was "if you notice you're fading, ask why."
You are not. That sunset orange linen suit proves it. The beige-ing happens to all the fantastic women who absorbed the compliance without questioning it. You questioned it (or never absorbed it). That is the whole point - conscious choice, not automatic dimming 🧡
Completely agree, Jennifer, the awareness and the conscious choice is the whole point.
I feel like this is something I probably did at an earlier point in my life, without noticing it at the time. I love how you’ve framed it, noticing it and then choosing differently
As someone who was a total clothes horse all my life, and who loves beautiful colors, I know this happened to me in the last few years. A few years ago, I bought a beautiful dress from a designer on Etsy. She was young, New York based, and her clothes were unique. The dress was made to measure, and the craftsmanship blew me away. I hadn't seen such gorgeous attention to detail since my mother shopped in Paris in the 60's. Layers, taffeta underskirt, lined, exciting fabric and color, all hand stitched. It took my breath away! I still have it, and have never, ever worn it. I bought it as a rebellion of sorts, and then I chickened out. Loads of excuses. I'm 70 now, and I feel I missed my opportunity. Like so many others in my life. I keep thinking of selling it to a beautiful, younger, daring woman, but I can't bear to part with it. I wear lots of classic beige now. Or don't even get out of my pajamas most days.
There is another trend I have noticed online. Different subject, but perhaps to be written about and discussed another time. Social media messaging that "old women smell", and no amount of soap or washing will change that. I can't even count how many times I have seen a header like that. Apparently, this plight only effects OLD women. Never OLD men, who remain as fresh as a daisy, it seems.
Marina, that dress sitting unworn isn't about missing an opportunity. It's about absorbing decades of conditioning that told you visibility has an expiration date. It doesn't. The dress is still there. You are still here. The opportunity didn't pass.
And that "old women smell" garbage? Same system that wants you in beige instead of taffeta. It's designed to make aging women disappear, apologetic, inoffensive. To turn bodies into problems instead of vessels that deserve beautiful things.
That dress was made for YOUR body. Hand stitched to YOUR measurements. Not for some imagined younger version of daring. For you, right now, at 70.
Wear it once. Just once. Even to walk from bedroom to kitchen. Let it hold you the way it was designed to. Then decide. Because rebellion isn't just buying the dress. It's refusing to believe you've aged out of deserving it. 💕
Thank you. Your reply means SO much to me. I remember being 11 years old, when my sister was 14. Her school gave every young girl a brochure about their menses and how to keep scrupulously clean and not smell bad when they were menstruating. I was a child still, soon to begin my own menses, but I felt so ashamed! That same message is still here at 70. They never stopped, did they? That's why I'm so fiercely angry now. In fact, enraged! And protective of other vulnerable women. Your response to me, and your kindness, made me tear up. Thank you.
Marina, they never stopped. That is the through line. Eleven years old being taught your body is a hygiene problem. Seventy being told it's an odour problem. The message stays the same: you are too much, you need to shrink, you need to manage yourself into something palatable.
And that rage you feel now? That is clarity. That is the thing they were hoping you would never reach. Because an enraged 70 year old woman who sees the pattern, who refuses to shrink, who protects other women? That is the nightmare they have been trying to prevent since you were 11.
The dress knows. Wear it with that rage intact. That is the rebellion 💕 ♥️
This is so true and I find myself wearing beige, black and white the most. I will make a new habit to buy more color and wear it. Thank you for writing this post. What are your favorite bright colors to wear?
My favourite brights? I love all shades of red. I have this insane cherry red tailored suit I love deeply. I also love burgundy. I also - while I do love to wear black too because it evokes certain feelings specifically - loooove to explore and experiment with colour combinations and avoid actively black. So a navy blue with a cerulean.. or emerald green with deep purple, and oh do I have a sweet spot for cobalt blue. But yours might be completely different.
The trick is noticing which colours make you feel like YOU when you put them on - not which ones look "right" according to someone else's rules.
Once I found my fashion style, I understood why I never felt comfortable in color! I feel more me in monochromatic. My personal opinion of what another person wears is just that. My opinion. I feel this article speaks to a generation(s) who have been professionally groomed to fit in. I'm hopeful these days are gone.
If monochromatic feels like YOU? Wear it. Not even a question. (I created a full collection in full monochromatic colours. No hue differences. That can be a statement of personal expression too). My work isn't anti-neutral, it is anti-compliance. So, the question is always: are you choosing this because it feels right, or because anything else feels dangerous?
Sounds like you have answered that question for yourself, perfectly and beautifully 😍. That's the whole point.
Vinted is great for colourful clothes and a lot seem unworn or barely worn, I wonder if this is part of the reason? Also think some people wear they'll look 'wacky' rather than bold or stylish
The barely-worn bright clothes on Vinted?? YES. Thank you so much for bringing this to attention! That is exactly the pattern (or more the result). Women buy the colour because they love it, then never wear it because it feels "too much."
So it ends up resold, tags still on, to someone braver.
Be the person who wears it, not the person who resells it unworn ♥️
I bought a beautiful silvery/blue satin slip dress with a sparkling gemstone, long sleeve, mesh crop top to go over. I wore it once on NYE, but then my husband told me I looked like Elsa. My heart broke and I never wore it again.
I love color and when I realized I wasn’t wearing much of it any longer, I thought it might be that I was mourning my friend’s death. Throw that in with comments such as, “ you’re so brave to show your legs, arm,etc., (fill in the blank.) The truth is that as we age, we need color for our changing skin tones, etc. I am slowly but surely replacing “fifty shades of gray, black, and beige” with colors that I love. I’m developing more of a “ you do you. . .” Mentality. Color has a psychological effect on mood and mine is happier these days. 😇 P. S. That said, I do wish hose would come back. It’s like makeup for legs!
Mary, the grief piece is real - sometimes we dim because we are mourning and sometimes we dim because we have been taught to, and sometimes it's both at once.
The fact that you noticed you weren't wearing colour and asked yourself WHY is the whole thing. Most people just accept it and never question it.
"You do you" at any age is exactly right. And colour making your mood happier? That is not shallow. That's survival.
(Also: the hose comment made me laugh. Makeup for legs is a perfect description.) 💛
Hugely! What reads as "bold" in one culture is neutral in another. What is "age-appropriate" in the UK isn't the same as what's "age-appropriate" in Lagos or Tokyo.
The mechanism (aesthetic regulation to control visibility) is consistent. The specifics (which colours, which styles, at what age) vary by culture.
I love color, pretty much all of them. I used to hear about the red hat society, a group of 50+ year old women who wore purple and red together. Well, I have a purple living room with a red sofa, and it is actually a comfortable and restful place. Be fearless; Be You!
As a woman over 50 who still lives for my colorful boho skirts and genie pants, I love how you’ve exposed that "classic" taste is often just a survival strategy, because choosing to be vibrant isn’t "trying too hard"—it’s a refusal to let the world dim a glow that took us decades to truly own. I say, wear what makes you happy! ✨
It’s honestly such a relief to find those moments of connection, and I’m just really glad we could carve out a little space here to feel seen together ✨
I’m so honored that my words resonated enough to become your subtitle—it's a beautiful feeling to know we’re both standing in that same hard-earned glow ✨
It is indeed beautiful to feel not so alone in the complexity of life. Thank you so much for commenting and opening up in this space so we can have this conversation ♥️ ✨
Perfect timing in reading this. Winter is ending, and for me, who runs a few boutique hotels in a tourist town, this means back to work and out of the sweatpants ! A couple of years ago, I broke out from the" 66 year old appropiate muted color wardrobe," and added a lot of color; it was the best! From my pink overalls to my floral dresses, I bring brightness and joy to all my guests, and it makes me feel great! Thank you for validating my choice to add more color to the world around me. xoxox
Pink overalls and floral dresses at 66 running boutique hotels. That's not just personal style, that's business strategy.
You are bringing brightness to your guests because YOU feel great in it. That is what happens when you stop dressing for invisible approval and start dressing for actual joy.
really good post! In my case it's earrings. More like "I can't be bothered to think about them!" than wanting to be safe. But you inspire me to make an earring choice every morning!
Yes! Earrings every morning. Not because you have to. Because you get to.
That is the difference. 💛
Exactly. My stepmother gave me a very swishy pair of earrings with rubies in them, and I said ,"When would I wear these in Taos?" and she said, exactly as you do, "Going to the grocery store."
This is exactly right!! You are the occasion! I love this!
I don't wear make-up - haven't for years - and have never died my hair, simply because I don't want to, but I do like my earrings. 😊 Before perimenopause I wore colour, then during the perimenopause my periods were so horrendous I began wearing black in case of accidents - and found it was so easy and practical that I continued. I do wear t-shirts depicting pictures and sarky or funny messages, but the base colour is always black. My problem is I have diastasis recti and finding clothing I actually like which actually fits is a challenge to say the least! I also don't like being told what to do, and what not to do, by the 'Health & Beauty' industry, and I hate the devastating impact fast fashion has on the environment.
The perimenopause → black for practicality → stayed there pipeline is SO real. And you are right: black for accidents made sense. Black forever because it became a habit is different.
You don't have to change anything. Just notice if the practicality reason is still true, or if it is become the story you tell yourself about why you are still there. Snarky t-shirts on black is still personality. You're not invisible.
And diastasis recti making clothes hard to find? I can absolutely see that. That is so damn legitimate. And real! And I wish designs would be in general so much more inclusive for all body shapes and sizes
This article isn't saying ignore your body. It is saying: make sure your choices are yours, not the culture's. And you know what? Sounds like yours are. ♥️
I think maybe I’ve been doing this my whole life in one way or another. My alcoholic narcissistic father thought he was “helping me understand the world” when he constantly warned me that he would “have to beat the boys off with a stick” because I was becoming too pretty. Now at 40 I’m slowly unpacking all the baggage from him and realizing that my clothes choices have been made out of fear my whole life. I’ve always felt so uncomfortable in my body, like it is a burden and never good enough and I absolutely hate being the center of attention (everyone looking at me? no thanks!). Now I’m bit by bit adding statement pieces that I really love to my closet but I still rarely choose them. Thanks so much for the inspiration to dive into the question of why I don’t choose them more.
ShasRasz, thank you so much for sharing this. What your father did? Teaching you that being visible meant being in danger? That wasn't helping you understand the world. That was teaching you to hide.
And you have been hiding ever since. Not because you don't love the statement pieces. Because visibility still feels dangerous. Unpacking that at 40 takes courage. Adding the pieces to your closet is step one. Wearing them is step two. And that second step might take time.
Be patient with yourself. You are unlearning decades of survival strategy. You are allowed to take up space. Even if it still feels scary. 💛
This is the same conditioning that has brainwashed women into believing going naturally gray is something to hide and makes them look OLD, while men don't face the same criticism. I've let my natural gray hair grown in and now I'm finding that I want to embrace brighter colours. I'm through letting society and the patriarchy tell me I'm no longer valid as a person.
You just named the connection. Grey hair = evidence of time lived = must be hidden. Bright colours = evidence of visibility = must be dimmed. Both are the same regulation. Both say: your existence past a certain age is the problem. And going grey while wearing bright colours? That's the double refusal. I love my greying hair. I embrace it no matter what people say. And you? You are not hiding that you are living AND you are not apologising for still being here either! That's exactly right. Keep both. 💛
This really made me pause. I don’t recognise myself in the idea of “beige-ing,” so I wrote a perspective from the other side of it here if you’re interested. https://substack.com/@successaf/note/p-194390535?r=4r77g6&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web
I love that you wrote a response to this, Alaina. Just read it! You are right - it is not universal. The piece was never "all women fade." It was "if you notice you're fading, ask why."
You are not. That sunset orange linen suit proves it. The beige-ing happens to all the fantastic women who absorbed the compliance without questioning it. You questioned it (or never absorbed it). That is the whole point - conscious choice, not automatic dimming 🧡
Completely agree, Jennifer, the awareness and the conscious choice is the whole point.
I feel like this is something I probably did at an earlier point in my life, without noticing it at the time. I love how you’ve framed it, noticing it and then choosing differently
As someone who was a total clothes horse all my life, and who loves beautiful colors, I know this happened to me in the last few years. A few years ago, I bought a beautiful dress from a designer on Etsy. She was young, New York based, and her clothes were unique. The dress was made to measure, and the craftsmanship blew me away. I hadn't seen such gorgeous attention to detail since my mother shopped in Paris in the 60's. Layers, taffeta underskirt, lined, exciting fabric and color, all hand stitched. It took my breath away! I still have it, and have never, ever worn it. I bought it as a rebellion of sorts, and then I chickened out. Loads of excuses. I'm 70 now, and I feel I missed my opportunity. Like so many others in my life. I keep thinking of selling it to a beautiful, younger, daring woman, but I can't bear to part with it. I wear lots of classic beige now. Or don't even get out of my pajamas most days.
There is another trend I have noticed online. Different subject, but perhaps to be written about and discussed another time. Social media messaging that "old women smell", and no amount of soap or washing will change that. I can't even count how many times I have seen a header like that. Apparently, this plight only effects OLD women. Never OLD men, who remain as fresh as a daisy, it seems.
Marina, that dress sitting unworn isn't about missing an opportunity. It's about absorbing decades of conditioning that told you visibility has an expiration date. It doesn't. The dress is still there. You are still here. The opportunity didn't pass.
And that "old women smell" garbage? Same system that wants you in beige instead of taffeta. It's designed to make aging women disappear, apologetic, inoffensive. To turn bodies into problems instead of vessels that deserve beautiful things.
That dress was made for YOUR body. Hand stitched to YOUR measurements. Not for some imagined younger version of daring. For you, right now, at 70.
Wear it once. Just once. Even to walk from bedroom to kitchen. Let it hold you the way it was designed to. Then decide. Because rebellion isn't just buying the dress. It's refusing to believe you've aged out of deserving it. 💕
Thank you. Your reply means SO much to me. I remember being 11 years old, when my sister was 14. Her school gave every young girl a brochure about their menses and how to keep scrupulously clean and not smell bad when they were menstruating. I was a child still, soon to begin my own menses, but I felt so ashamed! That same message is still here at 70. They never stopped, did they? That's why I'm so fiercely angry now. In fact, enraged! And protective of other vulnerable women. Your response to me, and your kindness, made me tear up. Thank you.
Marina, they never stopped. That is the through line. Eleven years old being taught your body is a hygiene problem. Seventy being told it's an odour problem. The message stays the same: you are too much, you need to shrink, you need to manage yourself into something palatable.
And that rage you feel now? That is clarity. That is the thing they were hoping you would never reach. Because an enraged 70 year old woman who sees the pattern, who refuses to shrink, who protects other women? That is the nightmare they have been trying to prevent since you were 11.
The dress knows. Wear it with that rage intact. That is the rebellion 💕 ♥️
Yes. Thank you, Jennifer. Luckily, more and more women are realizing that and becoming angrier and more fed up. ❤️
This is so true and I find myself wearing beige, black and white the most. I will make a new habit to buy more color and wear it. Thank you for writing this post. What are your favorite bright colors to wear?
I love that you are committing to more colour.
My favourite brights? I love all shades of red. I have this insane cherry red tailored suit I love deeply. I also love burgundy. I also - while I do love to wear black too because it evokes certain feelings specifically - loooove to explore and experiment with colour combinations and avoid actively black. So a navy blue with a cerulean.. or emerald green with deep purple, and oh do I have a sweet spot for cobalt blue. But yours might be completely different.
The trick is noticing which colours make you feel like YOU when you put them on - not which ones look "right" according to someone else's rules.
Definitely can recommend to start there ♥️
Thank you - great tops!
anytime ❤️
Turning 40 this year and making an outright commitment to keep buying more colour! Loud and proud! <3
YES. Loud and proud at 40!!! You are starting the decade refusing to dim. That's exactly right.
Keep buying the colour. Keep wearing it. 💛
Once I found my fashion style, I understood why I never felt comfortable in color! I feel more me in monochromatic. My personal opinion of what another person wears is just that. My opinion. I feel this article speaks to a generation(s) who have been professionally groomed to fit in. I'm hopeful these days are gone.
If monochromatic feels like YOU? Wear it. Not even a question. (I created a full collection in full monochromatic colours. No hue differences. That can be a statement of personal expression too). My work isn't anti-neutral, it is anti-compliance. So, the question is always: are you choosing this because it feels right, or because anything else feels dangerous?
Sounds like you have answered that question for yourself, perfectly and beautifully 😍. That's the whole point.
Vinted is great for colourful clothes and a lot seem unworn or barely worn, I wonder if this is part of the reason? Also think some people wear they'll look 'wacky' rather than bold or stylish
The barely-worn bright clothes on Vinted?? YES. Thank you so much for bringing this to attention! That is exactly the pattern (or more the result). Women buy the colour because they love it, then never wear it because it feels "too much."
So it ends up resold, tags still on, to someone braver.
Be the person who wears it, not the person who resells it unworn ♥️
I bought a beautiful silvery/blue satin slip dress with a sparkling gemstone, long sleeve, mesh crop top to go over. I wore it once on NYE, but then my husband told me I looked like Elsa. My heart broke and I never wore it again.
Kelly, here is in my opinion the only question that matters: did YOU love the dress when you put it on?
If yes? Wear it again! You didn't buy it for anyone else. You bought it because it made you feel something.
And honestly? Elsa is a literal ice queen who built a palace and refused to apologize for her power. That's not a bad comparison. Wear the dress. 💙
I love color and when I realized I wasn’t wearing much of it any longer, I thought it might be that I was mourning my friend’s death. Throw that in with comments such as, “ you’re so brave to show your legs, arm,etc., (fill in the blank.) The truth is that as we age, we need color for our changing skin tones, etc. I am slowly but surely replacing “fifty shades of gray, black, and beige” with colors that I love. I’m developing more of a “ you do you. . .” Mentality. Color has a psychological effect on mood and mine is happier these days. 😇 P. S. That said, I do wish hose would come back. It’s like makeup for legs!
Mary, the grief piece is real - sometimes we dim because we are mourning and sometimes we dim because we have been taught to, and sometimes it's both at once.
The fact that you noticed you weren't wearing colour and asked yourself WHY is the whole thing. Most people just accept it and never question it.
"You do you" at any age is exactly right. And colour making your mood happier? That is not shallow. That's survival.
(Also: the hose comment made me laugh. Makeup for legs is a perfect description.) 💛
How do you think geography and culture affect color and fashion?
Hugely! What reads as "bold" in one culture is neutral in another. What is "age-appropriate" in the UK isn't the same as what's "age-appropriate" in Lagos or Tokyo.
The mechanism (aesthetic regulation to control visibility) is consistent. The specifics (which colours, which styles, at what age) vary by culture.
But the pressure to comply? That is universal.
Thank you for your comment ♥️
I love color, pretty much all of them. I used to hear about the red hat society, a group of 50+ year old women who wore purple and red together. Well, I have a purple living room with a red sofa, and it is actually a comfortable and restful place. Be fearless; Be You!
Purple living room with a red sofa 😍😍 you are living the Red Hat Society energy without needing the official membership.
That's what fearless looks like: you just do it. 💖♥️
As a woman over 50 who still lives for my colorful boho skirts and genie pants, I love how you’ve exposed that "classic" taste is often just a survival strategy, because choosing to be vibrant isn’t "trying too hard"—it’s a refusal to let the world dim a glow that took us decades to truly own. I say, wear what makes you happy! ✨
It’s honestly such a relief to find those moments of connection, and I’m just really glad we could carve out a little space here to feel seen together ✨
Exactly ♥️
I’m so honored that my words resonated enough to become your subtitle—it's a beautiful feeling to know we’re both standing in that same hard-earned glow ✨
It is indeed beautiful to feel not so alone in the complexity of life. Thank you so much for commenting and opening up in this space so we can have this conversation ♥️ ✨
"Choosing to be vibrant isn't trying too hard - it's a refusal to let the world dim a glow that took us decades to truly own."
You just wrote the subtitle for the next piece.
Boho skirts and genie pants at 50+ is exactly this: you earned your glow, why would you hide it now?
Keep wearing what makes you happy. That's the whole point. ✨
Perfect timing in reading this. Winter is ending, and for me, who runs a few boutique hotels in a tourist town, this means back to work and out of the sweatpants ! A couple of years ago, I broke out from the" 66 year old appropiate muted color wardrobe," and added a lot of color; it was the best! From my pink overalls to my floral dresses, I bring brightness and joy to all my guests, and it makes me feel great! Thank you for validating my choice to add more color to the world around me. xoxox
Pink overalls and floral dresses at 66 running boutique hotels. That's not just personal style, that's business strategy.
You are bringing brightness to your guests because YOU feel great in it. That is what happens when you stop dressing for invisible approval and start dressing for actual joy.
Keep the pink overalls. Your guests are lucky. 💗