Thank you for this. I just had a total hysterectomy in November. The last 3 years have been rough, uterine fibroids, severe iron deficiency anemia, and chronic pain.
I used to be a faithful exerciser, I had a strong body, and loved to push myself. The last 3 years….I had to look at exercise differently, as I couldn’t do what I was used to. My body is banged up and so different than it was and I’m so sad about it. Grief. I’m trying to take the approach of being neutral….and having some compassion for myself and how much my body has carried.
OMG, yes. I had a box of size 12 stuff that I used to love. I finally got rid of it. I'm done with weight loss programs. I'm working on nutrition using real foods not ultra-processed diet food. I feel better without sugar and alcohol. Reducing sugar is more difficult than cutting out alcohol. But, thanks for this post.
There is a cognitive error here. While it's true that people go through these emotions and these emotions are valid, there is a cognitive error at work. You old body was not better. You may have liked the way it looked or you may not have. It was not better. It was not. Some of those bodies had cancer ...cancer. Most of those female bodies that were children's bodies, could not perform the delivery of a healthy infant...the opposite of sexy, literally not fertile only capable of delivering weak or sick infants most of the time and that doesn't get better until the age of 28....what is "better"? As the author points out, was it a body at risk for being unalived because it didn'tske the right neurotransmitters? I am not invalidating the feelings that change brings. Unfortunately most of those feelings are based on the idea of being attractive to men, and not good ones, predatory men who like children to the point of desiring the infertile child who would die if you impregnate them... probably not our target audience. A post party body has a stronger heart and more efficient lungs...it's measurable better than a body that has not given birth. I understand the feelings but the fact, in most cases, simply do not support the bodies we can't accept, being inferior to the ones we used to have. We do need to stop taking our bodies personally. They are not personal. They are vehicles that carry us through life, they are tools. They are wonderful and valuable all the times that they stay alive.
You (most likely) don't get paid for being "beautiful" and also who decided what that is anyway? You're just as entitled as anyone else to decide that.
This piece landed deeply for me. I’ve said out loud over the last year or two that I feel like I’m grieving—and reading this helped me understand why that word keeps coming up. Not dramatically. Just quietly. Persistently. The kind of grief that shows up when my jeans don’t fit anymore, even though I still see myself as who I was for decades.
I’m 52, and I’ve had six children. I “bounced back” after every pregnancy, and for a long time I felt genuinely good in my body. Looking back now, I realize that bouncing back didn’t actually mean my body wasn’t changed—it just meant I was younger, resilient, and still healing in ways I couldn’t see yet.
I’ve known my body would change. I’m in perimenopause and likely have been for years, even if the shifts didn’t fully show up until recently. Add in stress, caregiving, and life doing what life does—and suddenly the changes feel undeniable. What’s hardest isn’t aging itself, but the disconnect between how I feel inside and what I see reflected back at me now.
The jeans are the clearest symbol for me. They’re still hanging there—size 10s—while the size 8s and 6s have been gone for years. And I’m realizing that keeping them isn’t motivation; it’s just a quiet way of holding onto a version of myself that isn’t coming back. Maybe it’s time to finally let them go.
What resonated most was the idea that this grief isn’t really about vanity or how others saw me. It’s about who I was in that body. The ease. The familiarity. The way it felt like home. I didn’t diet or punish myself—I lived in my body without negotiating with it. Losing that simplicity feels like a real loss.
The framing of body neutrality felt like a relief. Not being told to love every change, or fix every change—just to respect the body I’m in now, even while missing what was. That middle ground matters. It feels honest. Sustainable. Human.
Thank you for naming something so many of us carry quietly. This didn’t make everything better—but it made me feel less alone. And that matters.
Great idea. Will you use text to show the internal realizations? Or other photos to accompany each woman? I did a photography degree many years ago and you got me thinking!!
I was thinking to let the images (and potentially the voices of the women) speak for themselves... (in a digital exhibit)
That being said: it's going to take me a while to get to - as I already have a pretty full year ahead - so this is 1 year+ away for me. So, if you feel inspired - please do feel free to draw on this idea & make it your own.
(& if you do decide to create a version of this - I'd love to see your pictures !)
Thank you for writing this. As women, we are criticized and judged by our bodies from the earliest of ages. Even as we age, the media promotes unrealistic stereotypes. It took me a long time to accept that my body will never be what is was…it can’t. I’ve accepted that this and recognize that despite the changes it has endured, it still works and I’m pretty healthy for someone with health issues that will be with me from here on out. Once I accepted (grieved the loss), the stress about weight lightened. I now strive to be as healthy as I can without trying to meet unrealistic expectations for myself.
My experience is that the younger you are, the more you grieve. You might need to check to see if your friends, family, or spouse are triggering the grieving by comments. That can happen. I've been lucky that negative digs stopped when I was about 40. It's great to give up on perfection.
Thank you for this. I’ve been feeling very low about a recent weight gain. I have a lot of things to blame. Medication, lack of exercise and stress and anxiety. I’m 70 years old, retired. I have back issues. This past year has been very stressful for me and my family so my crutch was food. I needed the comfort. I appreciate this article. It has helped me to understand I’m grieving for the body I had but to be grateful that my body has carried me this far. I realize I’ll never get back the body I had, but I can learn to live with it but strive to stop eating certain foods and sugary sweets that can be a detriment to my health. Thank you.
As a man with a much younger wife, and my body changes, even as I work on taking care of myself, and appreciating my body’s care for me, I still feel anxiety. Am I still attractive to her? What of younger men? What of men with the wealth and time to spend hours at the gym? Am I in some sense cheating her out of better options? (She’s not saying this to me, I am. It’s hard to shake.)
Yes I am holding On to all those things that I don't need with clothes that don't fit me. I'm so glad that I read this at the right time. Thank you so much
Thank you for this. I just had a total hysterectomy in November. The last 3 years have been rough, uterine fibroids, severe iron deficiency anemia, and chronic pain.
I used to be a faithful exerciser, I had a strong body, and loved to push myself. The last 3 years….I had to look at exercise differently, as I couldn’t do what I was used to. My body is banged up and so different than it was and I’m so sad about it. Grief. I’m trying to take the approach of being neutral….and having some compassion for myself and how much my body has carried.
younger people with gender dysmorphia could learn a thing or two here
OMG, yes. I had a box of size 12 stuff that I used to love. I finally got rid of it. I'm done with weight loss programs. I'm working on nutrition using real foods not ultra-processed diet food. I feel better without sugar and alcohol. Reducing sugar is more difficult than cutting out alcohol. But, thanks for this post.
There is a cognitive error here. While it's true that people go through these emotions and these emotions are valid, there is a cognitive error at work. You old body was not better. You may have liked the way it looked or you may not have. It was not better. It was not. Some of those bodies had cancer ...cancer. Most of those female bodies that were children's bodies, could not perform the delivery of a healthy infant...the opposite of sexy, literally not fertile only capable of delivering weak or sick infants most of the time and that doesn't get better until the age of 28....what is "better"? As the author points out, was it a body at risk for being unalived because it didn'tske the right neurotransmitters? I am not invalidating the feelings that change brings. Unfortunately most of those feelings are based on the idea of being attractive to men, and not good ones, predatory men who like children to the point of desiring the infertile child who would die if you impregnate them... probably not our target audience. A post party body has a stronger heart and more efficient lungs...it's measurable better than a body that has not given birth. I understand the feelings but the fact, in most cases, simply do not support the bodies we can't accept, being inferior to the ones we used to have. We do need to stop taking our bodies personally. They are not personal. They are vehicles that carry us through life, they are tools. They are wonderful and valuable all the times that they stay alive.
You (most likely) don't get paid for being "beautiful" and also who decided what that is anyway? You're just as entitled as anyone else to decide that.
This piece landed deeply for me. I’ve said out loud over the last year or two that I feel like I’m grieving—and reading this helped me understand why that word keeps coming up. Not dramatically. Just quietly. Persistently. The kind of grief that shows up when my jeans don’t fit anymore, even though I still see myself as who I was for decades.
I’m 52, and I’ve had six children. I “bounced back” after every pregnancy, and for a long time I felt genuinely good in my body. Looking back now, I realize that bouncing back didn’t actually mean my body wasn’t changed—it just meant I was younger, resilient, and still healing in ways I couldn’t see yet.
I’ve known my body would change. I’m in perimenopause and likely have been for years, even if the shifts didn’t fully show up until recently. Add in stress, caregiving, and life doing what life does—and suddenly the changes feel undeniable. What’s hardest isn’t aging itself, but the disconnect between how I feel inside and what I see reflected back at me now.
The jeans are the clearest symbol for me. They’re still hanging there—size 10s—while the size 8s and 6s have been gone for years. And I’m realizing that keeping them isn’t motivation; it’s just a quiet way of holding onto a version of myself that isn’t coming back. Maybe it’s time to finally let them go.
What resonated most was the idea that this grief isn’t really about vanity or how others saw me. It’s about who I was in that body. The ease. The familiarity. The way it felt like home. I didn’t diet or punish myself—I lived in my body without negotiating with it. Losing that simplicity feels like a real loss.
The framing of body neutrality felt like a relief. Not being told to love every change, or fix every change—just to respect the body I’m in now, even while missing what was. That middle ground matters. It feels honest. Sustainable. Human.
Thank you for naming something so many of us carry quietly. This didn’t make everything better—but it made me feel less alone. And that matters.
Yes Ellen. This year is a first for me to not have the energy I feel I need on demand.
The changing shape is still new to me.
And those dresses? A symbol of the potential to be seen - energetically, and in ways that feel me as I see myself.
This gives me an idea for a photography project.
I'd love to show the beauty of women when really seen in middle age.
Great idea. Will you use text to show the internal realizations? Or other photos to accompany each woman? I did a photography degree many years ago and you got me thinking!!
Oh great, Alice - I studied photography too :>
I was thinking to let the images (and potentially the voices of the women) speak for themselves... (in a digital exhibit)
That being said: it's going to take me a while to get to - as I already have a pretty full year ahead - so this is 1 year+ away for me. So, if you feel inspired - please do feel free to draw on this idea & make it your own.
(& if you do decide to create a version of this - I'd love to see your pictures !)
I'm writing now, just published my first book of poems last year. But after your busy year you must do this!!
Fantastic Alice - congrats on your poetry publication!
And thanks : I definitely do hold this photography project close to my heart & mind :)
Wow! Incredible! Perfect! I wish I’d written this. Yet I’m so glad that you did.
Thank you for the wonderful wisdom!
Thank you for writing this. As women, we are criticized and judged by our bodies from the earliest of ages. Even as we age, the media promotes unrealistic stereotypes. It took me a long time to accept that my body will never be what is was…it can’t. I’ve accepted that this and recognize that despite the changes it has endured, it still works and I’m pretty healthy for someone with health issues that will be with me from here on out. Once I accepted (grieved the loss), the stress about weight lightened. I now strive to be as healthy as I can without trying to meet unrealistic expectations for myself.
Thank you
My experience is that the younger you are, the more you grieve. You might need to check to see if your friends, family, or spouse are triggering the grieving by comments. That can happen. I've been lucky that negative digs stopped when I was about 40. It's great to give up on perfection.
A perfect article! I started, thinking it would peter out BUT this is perfect
Every woman should read it. ♥️
I agree—there was an understated grief I could not name until you revealed it.
That moment of realizing the body’s changes took me years to accept.
I call it transitioning, for none of us can escape change and aging.
With time, the wisdom to keep both mind and body healthy becomes a greater priority than it ever was in youth.
Thank you for peeling this topic to its core.
Accept, adjust, and adapt—these are the keys that keep us moving forward.
“Body neutrality “ like that phrase and what it means very much. Thank you for articulating that!
The grief is real. I’ve begun pouring gratitude into my body, my body that has carried me this far through all the pain and joy.
Thank you for this. I’ve been feeling very low about a recent weight gain. I have a lot of things to blame. Medication, lack of exercise and stress and anxiety. I’m 70 years old, retired. I have back issues. This past year has been very stressful for me and my family so my crutch was food. I needed the comfort. I appreciate this article. It has helped me to understand I’m grieving for the body I had but to be grateful that my body has carried me this far. I realize I’ll never get back the body I had, but I can learn to live with it but strive to stop eating certain foods and sugary sweets that can be a detriment to my health. Thank you.
As a man with a much younger wife, and my body changes, even as I work on taking care of myself, and appreciating my body’s care for me, I still feel anxiety. Am I still attractive to her? What of younger men? What of men with the wealth and time to spend hours at the gym? Am I in some sense cheating her out of better options? (She’s not saying this to me, I am. It’s hard to shake.)
Yes I am holding On to all those things that I don't need with clothes that don't fit me. I'm so glad that I read this at the right time. Thank you so much