Very much me. It’s been happening over time… a leaving of certain friendships, a no to certain outings, a goodbye to toxic workplaces, and more recently a comfort with sharing my voice exactly how it is. Interestingly, I learned that this is a natural evolution for women; as our estrogen depletes our fucks depletes too.
This is such a great post, and I'm encouraged that so many of us are feeling the same way. I'm 74 and I certainly am. It's also interesting. I follow Melani Sanders' We Do Not Care Club on IG, and feel that Life Branches and Melani are two different variations on the same theme. I really appreciate both points of view. Thanks!
I’ve participated in a couple of ‘Year to Live’ groups and have been re-listening to the audiobook as I dream in ways to present the process to others. Reading the material you share brings up for me the sort of things which can happen when one contemplates their own mortality as if they had a year remaining. Edited because did not intend to send yet. This no fucks to give phenomenon of being true to one’s own knowing is one I found being noticeably easier for myself the first time I went through the practice. Simply asking myself, “If I knew I were going to die in x number of months, would I care about such and such a thing?” was a very quick way for me to access my authentic yes and no.
What lands for me is that this isn’t actually about “not caring” so much as no longer outsourcing one’s nervous system.
What the author calls “fuck depletion,” I hear as the quiet outcome of long-term relational over-functioning—years of tracking, anticipating, smoothing, adapting, performing. Eventually the body and brain simply refuse to keep paying that cost. Not out of bitterness. Out of conservation. Out of wisdom.
There’s something deeply developmentally appropriate about this phase. It feels less like collapse and more like integration—the moment when self-abandonment becomes too expensive to maintain. The performance falls away not because connection no longer matters, but because false connection no longer satisfies.
I’m especially struck by the relief around no longer explaining oneself. From a nervous-system perspective, “I don’t want to” is a complete sentence when safety has been internalized. Over-explaining often isn’t kindness—it’s a fawn response shaped by fear of rupture. Letting that go can feel radical, even illicit, especially for those socialized to be agreeable, accommodating, or “nice.”
And I appreciate that the piece names something important: this shift isn’t loud. It’s not dramatic. It’s quiet. You don’t announce it. You just… stop. Stop forcing. Stop managing. Stop participating in dynamics that require you to shrink. That quietness feels very true to how real healing often shows up.
Where I might soften the framing is this: I don’t think peace comes from having zero fucks. I think it comes from having fewer fucks, placed with care. Discernment instead of depletion. Choice instead of collapse. Boundaries that aren’t walls, but gates.
What’s left when the performance ends isn’t emptiness—it’s room. Room for honesty. Room for preference. Room for rest. Room for relationships that don’t require choreography.
And yes—there’s grief in that. Some people only knew the performing version of us. Some connections don’t survive truth. That doesn’t mean the truth was wrong.
Yes, I'd agree with your assessment there Elizabeth. (Nicely put!) And (for me anyway) the clarity of communication doesn't come all at once- but sometimes just appears as space where once there was an impulse towards appeasement, and immediate response.
Yes — that feels so true. I love how you name it as space rather than something being added. That pause where appeasement used to live can be subtle, but it’s profound. It’s often there that choice, clarity, and self-trust begin to emerge. Thank you for articulating that so beautifully.
Thanks Elisabeth. The space feels important to me too, so I’m grateful it resonated.
I’m sometimes reticent about going too far (within myself) towards directness with others - as I prefer to take a moment to consider how things might land -But space? It holds any paradox or tension (without controversy):>
Yes, this is exactly me at the moment after a transformative year of letting go and cutting people out of my life. It feels peaceful, freeing, I’m learning what I actually enjoy, and see all the fakeness and performance as jarring to my life.
Yep menopause means running out of fucks. I had very little tolerance for BS before & now it’s in the negative. And my definition of BS is much broader.
Interesting:) I feel I'm not fully there yet, but headed someway down this path.
I used to be quite straightforward but copped a fair bit of criticism & misunderstanding and was put off from my own clarity for a while.
But am heading back to clearer, unchecked speech with some lessons learned, and an expanded sense of empathy for what makes people second guess themselves sometimes:)
Very much me. It’s been happening over time… a leaving of certain friendships, a no to certain outings, a goodbye to toxic workplaces, and more recently a comfort with sharing my voice exactly how it is. Interestingly, I learned that this is a natural evolution for women; as our estrogen depletes our fucks depletes too.
I am here for this , because it is my life now !
This is such a great post, and I'm encouraged that so many of us are feeling the same way. I'm 74 and I certainly am. It's also interesting. I follow Melani Sanders' We Do Not Care Club on IG, and feel that Life Branches and Melani are two different variations on the same theme. I really appreciate both points of view. Thanks!
So freakin’ spot on. Thank you.
I’m not there yet but I’m working on it. Toughest with family members. They know what you “should” do and lobby for it evoking your parents’ memory.
What a brilliant and much needed piece of writing. A breath of fresh air. Thank you! 🙏
I’ve participated in a couple of ‘Year to Live’ groups and have been re-listening to the audiobook as I dream in ways to present the process to others. Reading the material you share brings up for me the sort of things which can happen when one contemplates their own mortality as if they had a year remaining. Edited because did not intend to send yet. This no fucks to give phenomenon of being true to one’s own knowing is one I found being noticeably easier for myself the first time I went through the practice. Simply asking myself, “If I knew I were going to die in x number of months, would I care about such and such a thing?” was a very quick way for me to access my authentic yes and no.
"Fuck depletion." I'm telling all my girlfriends!!!
My husband liked that too!
Yes to all of this!!
What lands for me is that this isn’t actually about “not caring” so much as no longer outsourcing one’s nervous system.
What the author calls “fuck depletion,” I hear as the quiet outcome of long-term relational over-functioning—years of tracking, anticipating, smoothing, adapting, performing. Eventually the body and brain simply refuse to keep paying that cost. Not out of bitterness. Out of conservation. Out of wisdom.
There’s something deeply developmentally appropriate about this phase. It feels less like collapse and more like integration—the moment when self-abandonment becomes too expensive to maintain. The performance falls away not because connection no longer matters, but because false connection no longer satisfies.
I’m especially struck by the relief around no longer explaining oneself. From a nervous-system perspective, “I don’t want to” is a complete sentence when safety has been internalized. Over-explaining often isn’t kindness—it’s a fawn response shaped by fear of rupture. Letting that go can feel radical, even illicit, especially for those socialized to be agreeable, accommodating, or “nice.”
And I appreciate that the piece names something important: this shift isn’t loud. It’s not dramatic. It’s quiet. You don’t announce it. You just… stop. Stop forcing. Stop managing. Stop participating in dynamics that require you to shrink. That quietness feels very true to how real healing often shows up.
Where I might soften the framing is this: I don’t think peace comes from having zero fucks. I think it comes from having fewer fucks, placed with care. Discernment instead of depletion. Choice instead of collapse. Boundaries that aren’t walls, but gates.
What’s left when the performance ends isn’t emptiness—it’s room. Room for honesty. Room for preference. Room for rest. Room for relationships that don’t require choreography.
And yes—there’s grief in that. Some people only knew the performing version of us. Some connections don’t survive truth. That doesn’t mean the truth was wrong.
It means it was real.
Yes, I'd agree with your assessment there Elizabeth. (Nicely put!) And (for me anyway) the clarity of communication doesn't come all at once- but sometimes just appears as space where once there was an impulse towards appeasement, and immediate response.
Yes — that feels so true. I love how you name it as space rather than something being added. That pause where appeasement used to live can be subtle, but it’s profound. It’s often there that choice, clarity, and self-trust begin to emerge. Thank you for articulating that so beautifully.
Thanks Elisabeth. The space feels important to me too, so I’m grateful it resonated.
I’m sometimes reticent about going too far (within myself) towards directness with others - as I prefer to take a moment to consider how things might land -But space? It holds any paradox or tension (without controversy):>
Yes, this is exactly me at the moment after a transformative year of letting go and cutting people out of my life. It feels peaceful, freeing, I’m learning what I actually enjoy, and see all the fakeness and performance as jarring to my life.
Yep menopause means running out of fucks. I had very little tolerance for BS before & now it’s in the negative. And my definition of BS is much broader.
Interesting:) I feel I'm not fully there yet, but headed someway down this path.
I used to be quite straightforward but copped a fair bit of criticism & misunderstanding and was put off from my own clarity for a while.
But am heading back to clearer, unchecked speech with some lessons learned, and an expanded sense of empathy for what makes people second guess themselves sometimes:)
So live & learn!:)
"Nahhh, I don't want to do that," has been popping out of my mouth lately and I love it. Thanks for this piece!
I realised this when i decided to prioritize my peace of mind ✨️
Yes! I ran out of fucks when I hit age 50. That was a while ago now. And it has been delightful ever since. ❤️