Why Is Everyone Lying About Sex In Midlife?
What I really hear in my therapy office (and it's not pretty)
The internet is lying to you about your sex life.
I scrolled past another article yesterday about how incredible sex is in your 40s. How women are finally embracing their inner Samantha Jones. How this is supposedly our sexual renaissance.
That’s not what I’m hearing in my therapy office.
Multiple times a week, I sit across from couples and individuals who are drowning in shame because their reality doesn’t match these glossy narratives. And frankly, I’m tired of pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
What’s really being said behind closed doors
“My marriage is on shaky ground because we haven’t had sex in 5 years. But he’s been so understanding!” (I nearly laughed out loud at that one. Understanding? Really? For five years?)
“I’m just not in the mood anymore, and my partner needs it at least twice a week. The pressure is killing me.” (I had to ask: “Is your partner 25? Because that expectation might need some adjusting.”)
“I’m climbing the walls,” says the husband. “It’s been two years, and I don’t know if we’ll ever have sex again.”
“My sex drive is zero,” she responds. “Work is exhausting, and by the way, you need to start doing more around the house if you want me to have any energy left.”
The kicker? One woman told me her husband confessed to masturbating in the shower daily. Her question: “What am I supposed to do with this information? I just don’t need it as much as he does.”
The menopause reality check
Here’s what those “Sex and the City at 40” articles conveniently forget to mention:
Menopause is not sexy.
Your hormones don’t just shift—they wage war against you hourly. Your body becomes a stranger in the mirror, whispering cruel things like “Look how big your stomach looks” and “Are those new wrinkles around your eyes?”
Most of us wouldn’t describe this as our “sexy time of life.” At 30, rocking a bikini with balanced hormones? That’s a different story entirely.
But in midlife, when your body feels foreign and your energy is depleted? The pressure to perform sexually can feel suffocating.
The dangerous myth we’re perpetuating
When we glorify these supposed “sexual peak years,” we’re causing genuine harm.
We’re creating shame where there should be understanding.
We’re adding pressure where there should be compassion.
We’re making women feel broken when they’re simply human.
There are countless women reading those articles right now, feeling ashamed and depressed because there’s no intimacy in their relationships anymore. They’re terrified their partners will trade them in for a younger model.
That fear? It’s real. And it’s valid.
What we actually need to talk about
Instead of pretending everything is fantastic, let’s have some honest conversations:
About hormones that make you feel like a stranger in your own body.
About exhaustion from juggling careers, kids, aging parents, and household management.
About the mental load that makes it impossible to “get in the mood” when you’re mentally cataloging everything that needs to be done.
About partners who may need to adjust their expectations and step up their game in other areas of life.
About the fact that sometimes love languages change, and physical touch might not be your primary way of connecting anymore.
Moving forward without the fairy tales
I’m not saying great sex in midlife is impossible. For some people, it absolutely happens.
But for many others, it’s complicated. Messy. Requires work, communication, and sometimes professional help.
Your experience is valid, whatever it looks like.
If you’re struggling with intimacy in midlife, you’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you’re certainly not failing at some predetermined script about what your sex life “should” look like.
Maybe it’s time we stopped selling fairy tales and started having real conversations about what it means to maintain intimacy during one of life’s most challenging transitions.
Here’s what I know for sure: Shame doesn’t fix relationships. But honesty? That’s where the real work begins.
Take this to your next conversation tonight: Download the Midlife Intimacy Reset Worksheet
What’s your experience been? The comments are open for honest conversation—no judgment, just real talk.
I had amazing sex in midlife. My libido bloomed and I had the best sex of my life. Then again I wasn't married to, or cohabiting with, a man who was sucking the life out of me.
My sex life in my 40s and now is way, way more satisfying than in my 30s. I also got a divorce at 40. I had been married for 21 years. We each changed in different ways and were no longer compatible.