There is neuroscience behind this “gut feeling”. It’s a sub-diaphragmatic response carried by the Vagal nerve. If this type of thing fascinates you I highly recommend reading The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges.
Thank you for this validation. My gut has never been wrong, and I now see this - but that doesn’t mean I have had the skills or capacity to act on its messages immediately. I’m getting better at that though. :)
Thanks Ellen. Very insightful, again :> On needing more time? That rings true for me.
After 18 years in a relationship I never imagined ending up until a year ago, I've had gut memories of earlier moments that I was just not ready to digest at the time.
This is not to devalue either my relationship or soon to be ex-husband. We did a lot for and with each other, and there is no doubt I learned things unlikely any other way.
But our needs and values always had discordant elements that trying to fix with better communication never properly resolved, or refined.
It can take time to accept the need to examine every form of foundation once that is built. And there are logistic issues.
But mostly, for me anyway, the time I've needed has been about making adjustments of the heart.
This ouch: “You know your marriage ended years ago, but you’re still in the same bed.” It took me 33 years for my courage to match my gut instinct and leave, but so I did, and that’s just how the story had to go. No blame, shame, but much to celebrate. I am much more attuned to my instincts now. Thanks for this.
“Negotiation with Fear”. So that’s what I have been doing! I’ve been haggling to get a better deal. I haven’t been able to negotiate myself out of the inevitable future but after a few years at it I have been able to negotiate from a place of strength and that’s helped.
I enjoyed the way you laid this all out. Intuition is everything, the bearer of unwanted truths and the bringer of glorious intimacies.
It's really true, you know when you Know. Even if it's not the time to act. It was true when my sweet, old dog needed help moving on, and it was true about my divorce. I knew for months (years) that I was going to end my marriage. To keep my fear and thoughts at bay, I took tiny actions; made a list of reasons it was over, gathered financial statements, and researched attorneys. I made a plan to have the conversation, and that changed a few times. Then I knew it was time, and I did it.
Accepting what we know sometimes happens in stages. Doing something about it does too.
Thank you, Ellen, for spitting out the words I need to hear.
Yaasss! Mind blown…when you finally admit that there is a reason why you aren’t sleeping well; when you put a name to the distance in your relationship; when you admit you are scared and don’t know what you will do next. I needed to read this today. Thank you.
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. Your intuition has always got your back! It doesn’t arrive with instructions, it arrives with truth. I love how you name that the negotiation isn’t confusion but fear trying to buy time. The gut never stops telling the truth; we just stop listening when we’re not ready to live it yet.
2:30 a.m. has been the bane of my nocturnal hours. The issues pile up and my body is screaming and honestly I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is not forever away, what I am doing matters and I cannot stop because it matters. I know I can't stop, I know I just need to be ruthless with my priorities and get more flim flam flum sleep!
This is so so true but we do need to trust that gut instinct more otherwise we risk burnout when we finally do close the gap and make the decision- and that’s a pretty tough journey to rise up from - although it can be done and with more awareness, acknowledgement and patience if we allow it.
OMG, I’ve just been through this—about two months ago, one of my oldest, (historically) closest friends turned her rage (often directed at her family) to me. I was so taken aback, it brought me nearly to tears, and I didn’t have any appropriate response. I’ve been sitting in that liminal place since—with my body knowing the answer and my mind not ready to take the necessary steps. Yesterday, I ended the friendship. I’m filled with mixed emotions while at the same time holding my body’s truth: She was no longer emotionally safe for me.
I really appreciate your honesty here. It takes courage to trust what your body knows, especially when your mind is still catching up. Wishing you steadier days ahead. 🌹
Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And, the rose…💓
Yes, I definitely had to muster up the courage to take action, but I’ve gotten so much better at it over the years. I generally feel grounded and centered, which brings a lot of clarity. If you’re interested, the piece I’m publishing this morning touches on this whole topic (Boundaries in Nature, Boundaries in Life).
Several years ago I was going through a significant shift in how I saw the world. I remember thinking very consciously that I just wanted to sit in the middle. I didn't want anyone to push me to go one way or another, I just wanted to sit with the uncertainty until I was ready to move to a more certain place. Thanks for getting word to this!
Thank you for this piece! Exactly what I needed to hear today. Sitting in the uncertainty of future steps, in the in-between place, can feel so excruciating sometimes. My brain fights it tooth and nail - but it’s exactly where I need to be this year. Thank you again for your words, they really resonated!
There is neuroscience behind this “gut feeling”. It’s a sub-diaphragmatic response carried by the Vagal nerve. If this type of thing fascinates you I highly recommend reading The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges.
Great article! The truth of how we are supposed to navigate life is always there for us, however, it can be difficult to let it guide us at times.
Thank you for this validation. My gut has never been wrong, and I now see this - but that doesn’t mean I have had the skills or capacity to act on its messages immediately. I’m getting better at that though. :)
Thanks Ellen. Very insightful, again :> On needing more time? That rings true for me.
After 18 years in a relationship I never imagined ending up until a year ago, I've had gut memories of earlier moments that I was just not ready to digest at the time.
This is not to devalue either my relationship or soon to be ex-husband. We did a lot for and with each other, and there is no doubt I learned things unlikely any other way.
But our needs and values always had discordant elements that trying to fix with better communication never properly resolved, or refined.
It can take time to accept the need to examine every form of foundation once that is built. And there are logistic issues.
But mostly, for me anyway, the time I've needed has been about making adjustments of the heart.
This ouch: “You know your marriage ended years ago, but you’re still in the same bed.” It took me 33 years for my courage to match my gut instinct and leave, but so I did, and that’s just how the story had to go. No blame, shame, but much to celebrate. I am much more attuned to my instincts now. Thanks for this.
This is exactly the gap I write about. The moment you already know, and the mind starts trying to keep you safe. Thank you for naming it so clearly. 🌹
“Negotiation with Fear”. So that’s what I have been doing! I’ve been haggling to get a better deal. I haven’t been able to negotiate myself out of the inevitable future but after a few years at it I have been able to negotiate from a place of strength and that’s helped.
I enjoyed the way you laid this all out. Intuition is everything, the bearer of unwanted truths and the bringer of glorious intimacies.
It's really true, you know when you Know. Even if it's not the time to act. It was true when my sweet, old dog needed help moving on, and it was true about my divorce. I knew for months (years) that I was going to end my marriage. To keep my fear and thoughts at bay, I took tiny actions; made a list of reasons it was over, gathered financial statements, and researched attorneys. I made a plan to have the conversation, and that changed a few times. Then I knew it was time, and I did it.
Accepting what we know sometimes happens in stages. Doing something about it does too.
Thank you, Ellen, for spitting out the words I need to hear.
Yaasss! Mind blown…when you finally admit that there is a reason why you aren’t sleeping well; when you put a name to the distance in your relationship; when you admit you are scared and don’t know what you will do next. I needed to read this today. Thank you.
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. Your intuition has always got your back! It doesn’t arrive with instructions, it arrives with truth. I love how you name that the negotiation isn’t confusion but fear trying to buy time. The gut never stops telling the truth; we just stop listening when we’re not ready to live it yet.
2:30 a.m. has been the bane of my nocturnal hours. The issues pile up and my body is screaming and honestly I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is not forever away, what I am doing matters and I cannot stop because it matters. I know I can't stop, I know I just need to be ruthless with my priorities and get more flim flam flum sleep!
This is so so true but we do need to trust that gut instinct more otherwise we risk burnout when we finally do close the gap and make the decision- and that’s a pretty tough journey to rise up from - although it can be done and with more awareness, acknowledgement and patience if we allow it.
OMG, I’ve just been through this—about two months ago, one of my oldest, (historically) closest friends turned her rage (often directed at her family) to me. I was so taken aback, it brought me nearly to tears, and I didn’t have any appropriate response. I’ve been sitting in that liminal place since—with my body knowing the answer and my mind not ready to take the necessary steps. Yesterday, I ended the friendship. I’m filled with mixed emotions while at the same time holding my body’s truth: She was no longer emotionally safe for me.
Thank you, Wendy. And you are very welcome on the rose. 🌹
I love that you are writing about boundaries in nature and in life, that sounds exactly my kind of piece. I will look out for it 🌹
Thank you, Georgina! Back at you—>🌹
I really appreciate your honesty here. It takes courage to trust what your body knows, especially when your mind is still catching up. Wishing you steadier days ahead. 🌹
Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And, the rose…💓
Yes, I definitely had to muster up the courage to take action, but I’ve gotten so much better at it over the years. I generally feel grounded and centered, which brings a lot of clarity. If you’re interested, the piece I’m publishing this morning touches on this whole topic (Boundaries in Nature, Boundaries in Life).
This must be so painful for you. Allow yourself time to grieve for this.
Thank you, Katrina, It is. I’ve been feeling waves of grief and know I need to provide room for them. 🩷
That gut feeling is your imaginative intelligence communicating to you. I'm giving a TEDx talk on the subject next month.
Several years ago I was going through a significant shift in how I saw the world. I remember thinking very consciously that I just wanted to sit in the middle. I didn't want anyone to push me to go one way or another, I just wanted to sit with the uncertainty until I was ready to move to a more certain place. Thanks for getting word to this!
Thank you for this piece! Exactly what I needed to hear today. Sitting in the uncertainty of future steps, in the in-between place, can feel so excruciating sometimes. My brain fights it tooth and nail - but it’s exactly where I need to be this year. Thank you again for your words, they really resonated!