Why we (women mostly) were fed that program of being everything to everybody (we are nurturers) makes my blood boil but here I am, working full time at a very hard job at 70. I could easily retire, why won't I? I also look after my elderly dad weekends and holidays (for the last 12 years since Mom died) because my brother is living his life (with his newest wife) 2000 miles away. While I love my Dad and I do love being engaged (working), it does not have to be this demanding or this extreme. I too am 70, and I am tired. I need to reward myself, to find myself, to grow emotionally and spiritually into a much calmer existence. The last 12 months of chaos was a challenge. I made it to the end of the year (our company was taken over thus my job changed dramatically and my dad broke his hip halfway through the process so I moved in and dealt with it) but I need to break this self-destructive cycle of business (busy-ness!) without feeling guilty. Thank you for affirming that I can to shift from GO GO GO to a space of reflection for my own good!
This is powerful, Ellen. The distinction you draw between giving up and choosing yourself feels so clean and true — especially the way you describe giving up as abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable. That parking lot moment is instantly recognizable, and the clarity you bring to it will land hard for a lot of women.
This is amazing!! And we do get to chose us!! There are so many reasons you just cracked open day! Midlife for sure, Saturn returns are powerful catalyst (57-59 for the second one) too!!! So love to read this!!!
I returned to the office on Friday after 2 days off and discovered I was given an assignment to lead a project. It starts at the beginning of the year, and I am being shorted the customary preparation period because various members of the team have preschedule leave for the holidays. When my manager called today to make sure I had everything I needed, I was able to politely explain that I did not. As she started to pacify me your words were ringing in my head. What exactly am I saying no to though? I am not saying no to the assignment, but I am saying no to her phone calls and fake check ins. So, I explained that everything is not "fine", but I will proceed if she is ok with that. I told her I do my best work uninterrupted and I asked her not to contact me again until she has some actual resources.
I'm 75 and my friends and I can attest to this truth. We each came to choosing ourselves first at different stages in our life, but all have gotten there or are well on the path. I'm sending this to a friend who is in her mid 40's at perimenopausal ... and REALLY needs to hear this! Thanks for putting into words what so many of us learned and feel.
What if where you are isn't awful, isn't bad, it just isn't great, it's manageable, just dull? What if the grass isn't greener, if loneliness is worse than being just OK? My biggest fear is regret!
I feel.you. Was there. Somebody asked me to cover my heart with both hands, close my eyes and to say sincerely: I deserve a happy relationship (or a job that makes me happy, or whatever your question concerns).
Then to listen to voices, that pop up in your hear (What? YOU? Why do you even think so, for example). And to feel the physical (nausea or so) and / or emotional reaction rising (like anxiety, embarrassement...)
If these things happen, you know that you are misled by mindsets (often from childhood), that don't serve you well.
I remember reading somewhere: Surrender actually means moving over to the winning side. That is what you are doing when you choose yourself. Moving over to the winning side.
Can we spend some time talking about the guilt? You mention it here...where does this guilt come from? I remember a book a therapist recommended to my dad back in the 70s: When I say No I feel Guilty... Maybe I caught it from him. Midlife and the loss of fucks for the last ten years have slowly been eroding how much guilt I feel but MAN, particularly as my difficult mom was declining from dementia, the guilt sucked. Some guilt can be healthy, but when does it cross the line into unhealthy? Is there a litmus test to gauge healthy guilt? It did just occur to me as I typed this, however, that maybe what I was feeling was just discomfort at doing something different...
Each line of this post illustrates the rickety road to self-actualization. Like you, Ellen, I regret in many ways that it took me 10 years to leave a relationship (of 31 years) that indeed had some indicators of trouble from the start. However, the balance tipped when I realized that the other half of this whole was inert, unable to pivot and evolve. I realized that I was stuck, and if I didn't do something, I would die on the vine, right along with him. The guilt and shame and the feeling that I was abandoning my person and my commitment prevailed in those 10 years of obligatory endurance, until I realized, that if I didn't abandon ship, I would go down. I would figuratively or literally die if I didn't leave. Walking away may be exactly what you think it is ... scary, uncertain, hard as hell. But I will affirm what Ellen said, when you step through and arrive on the other side of all that, there is lightness and opportunity to live a life with YOU at it's center. And for a recovering Catholic, that concept is almost heresy (LOL, but I'm sure that influence kept me in limbo for much longer than I should have been!). In response to any pushback relating to this matter, I come back to the instructions that the flight crew "religiously" announces before an airplane leaves the terminal, "In the event of an emergency, pull down the oxygen mask and place it over your nose and mouth until the oxygen flows freely. THEN, assist your child". You must be able to breathe freely first, before offering oxygen, your unique life force, to others...
I’m 76 and started doing this at 70 but had a few “relapses”. It’s been a really tough year that way and ended in estrangement from my two daughters, but today understand by reading someone else’s comment what the “fucks” in the title refer to. They’re “fuck offs” 😊. I just reviewed all the people & groups I’ve cut off this year (the last one last week) and realized I have no more fuck (offs) left! Set some hard boundaries too. Something to really celebrate! Happy New Year to me! Got lotsa plans & projects (one I’ve put off for years) to look forward to, the depression has lifted and my motivation is back. So glad I’ve found you and this blog! Happy 2026 to US!
Yes indeed. I have quit putting up the christmas tree as it is too much work and watching my husband, who is not inclined towards this but wants to help, just wasn't worth it. Freedom. I simply said I don't want to do this anymore.
Just getting started..
Why we (women mostly) were fed that program of being everything to everybody (we are nurturers) makes my blood boil but here I am, working full time at a very hard job at 70. I could easily retire, why won't I? I also look after my elderly dad weekends and holidays (for the last 12 years since Mom died) because my brother is living his life (with his newest wife) 2000 miles away. While I love my Dad and I do love being engaged (working), it does not have to be this demanding or this extreme. I too am 70, and I am tired. I need to reward myself, to find myself, to grow emotionally and spiritually into a much calmer existence. The last 12 months of chaos was a challenge. I made it to the end of the year (our company was taken over thus my job changed dramatically and my dad broke his hip halfway through the process so I moved in and dealt with it) but I need to break this self-destructive cycle of business (busy-ness!) without feeling guilty. Thank you for affirming that I can to shift from GO GO GO to a space of reflection for my own good!
This is powerful, Ellen. The distinction you draw between giving up and choosing yourself feels so clean and true — especially the way you describe giving up as abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable. That parking lot moment is instantly recognizable, and the clarity you bring to it will land hard for a lot of women.
Thank you for naming this without softening it.
💛 Kelly
I’m almost 87 and I still struggle with some choices. Your words are wise.
This is amazing!! And we do get to chose us!! There are so many reasons you just cracked open day! Midlife for sure, Saturn returns are powerful catalyst (57-59 for the second one) too!!! So love to read this!!!
I returned to the office on Friday after 2 days off and discovered I was given an assignment to lead a project. It starts at the beginning of the year, and I am being shorted the customary preparation period because various members of the team have preschedule leave for the holidays. When my manager called today to make sure I had everything I needed, I was able to politely explain that I did not. As she started to pacify me your words were ringing in my head. What exactly am I saying no to though? I am not saying no to the assignment, but I am saying no to her phone calls and fake check ins. So, I explained that everything is not "fine", but I will proceed if she is ok with that. I told her I do my best work uninterrupted and I asked her not to contact me again until she has some actual resources.
I'm 75 and my friends and I can attest to this truth. We each came to choosing ourselves first at different stages in our life, but all have gotten there or are well on the path. I'm sending this to a friend who is in her mid 40's at perimenopausal ... and REALLY needs to hear this! Thanks for putting into words what so many of us learned and feel.
Here’s a link to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs, by Johnette Napolitano (Concrete Blond).
https://genius.com/Johnette-napolitano-everything-for-everyone-lyrics. I think it may resonate with what we are feeling here! I did put up my Xmas tree, but only for my own enjoyment and exactly the way I wanted it!
What if where you are isn't awful, isn't bad, it just isn't great, it's manageable, just dull? What if the grass isn't greener, if loneliness is worse than being just OK? My biggest fear is regret!
I feel.you. Was there. Somebody asked me to cover my heart with both hands, close my eyes and to say sincerely: I deserve a happy relationship (or a job that makes me happy, or whatever your question concerns).
Then to listen to voices, that pop up in your hear (What? YOU? Why do you even think so, for example). And to feel the physical (nausea or so) and / or emotional reaction rising (like anxiety, embarrassement...)
If these things happen, you know that you are misled by mindsets (often from childhood), that don't serve you well.
Well said and very wise.
I remember reading somewhere: Surrender actually means moving over to the winning side. That is what you are doing when you choose yourself. Moving over to the winning side.
oh I love this saying!!! never heard it before 💙
Can we spend some time talking about the guilt? You mention it here...where does this guilt come from? I remember a book a therapist recommended to my dad back in the 70s: When I say No I feel Guilty... Maybe I caught it from him. Midlife and the loss of fucks for the last ten years have slowly been eroding how much guilt I feel but MAN, particularly as my difficult mom was declining from dementia, the guilt sucked. Some guilt can be healthy, but when does it cross the line into unhealthy? Is there a litmus test to gauge healthy guilt? It did just occur to me as I typed this, however, that maybe what I was feeling was just discomfort at doing something different...
IDK, but maybe this one helps...
https://youtu.be/6PuXoBOv_oo?si=Z7wV4JmwQ_MFJQ7G
Each line of this post illustrates the rickety road to self-actualization. Like you, Ellen, I regret in many ways that it took me 10 years to leave a relationship (of 31 years) that indeed had some indicators of trouble from the start. However, the balance tipped when I realized that the other half of this whole was inert, unable to pivot and evolve. I realized that I was stuck, and if I didn't do something, I would die on the vine, right along with him. The guilt and shame and the feeling that I was abandoning my person and my commitment prevailed in those 10 years of obligatory endurance, until I realized, that if I didn't abandon ship, I would go down. I would figuratively or literally die if I didn't leave. Walking away may be exactly what you think it is ... scary, uncertain, hard as hell. But I will affirm what Ellen said, when you step through and arrive on the other side of all that, there is lightness and opportunity to live a life with YOU at it's center. And for a recovering Catholic, that concept is almost heresy (LOL, but I'm sure that influence kept me in limbo for much longer than I should have been!). In response to any pushback relating to this matter, I come back to the instructions that the flight crew "religiously" announces before an airplane leaves the terminal, "In the event of an emergency, pull down the oxygen mask and place it over your nose and mouth until the oxygen flows freely. THEN, assist your child". You must be able to breathe freely first, before offering oxygen, your unique life force, to others...
This resonated in so many ways. I’m adding it to my saved folder so I can go back to it when I need a little kick in the pants.
It’s also fodder for a post that’s overdue in my publication, so thank you!
I'm listening....
I’m 76 and started doing this at 70 but had a few “relapses”. It’s been a really tough year that way and ended in estrangement from my two daughters, but today understand by reading someone else’s comment what the “fucks” in the title refer to. They’re “fuck offs” 😊. I just reviewed all the people & groups I’ve cut off this year (the last one last week) and realized I have no more fuck (offs) left! Set some hard boundaries too. Something to really celebrate! Happy New Year to me! Got lotsa plans & projects (one I’ve put off for years) to look forward to, the depression has lifted and my motivation is back. So glad I’ve found you and this blog! Happy 2026 to US!
Yes indeed. I have quit putting up the christmas tree as it is too much work and watching my husband, who is not inclined towards this but wants to help, just wasn't worth it. Freedom. I simply said I don't want to do this anymore.