What if where you are isn't awful, isn't bad, it just isn't great, it's manageable, just dull? What if the grass isn't greener, if loneliness is worse than being just OK? My biggest fear is regret!
I remember reading somewhere: Surrender actually means moving over to the winning side. That is what you are doing when you choose yourself. Moving over to the winning side.
Can we spend some time talking about the guilt? You mention it here...where does this guilt come from? I remember a book a therapist recommended to my dad back in the 70s: When I say No I feel Guilty... Maybe I caught it from him. Midlife and the loss of fucks for the last ten years have slowly been eroding how much guilt I feel but MAN, particularly as my difficult mom was declining from dementia, the guilt sucked. Some guilt can be healthy, but when does it cross the line into unhealthy? Is there a litmus test to gauge healthy guilt? It did just occur to me as I typed this, however, that maybe what I was feeling was just discomfort at doing something different...
Each line of this post illustrates the rickety road to self-actualization. Like you, Ellen, I regret in many ways that it took me 10 years to leave a relationship (of 31 years) that indeed had some indicators of trouble from the start. However, the balance tipped when I realized that the other half of this whole was inert, unable to pivot and evolve. I realized that I was stuck, and if I didn't do something, I would die on the vine, right along with him. The guilt and shame and the feeling that I was abandoning my person and my commitment prevailed in those 10 years of obligatory endurance, until I realized, that if I didn't abandon ship, I would go down. I would figuratively or literally die if I didn't leave. Walking away may be exactly what you think it is ... scary, uncertain, hard as hell. But I will affirm what Ellen said, when you step through and arrive on the other side of all that, there is lightness and opportunity to live a life with YOU at it's center. And for a recovering Catholic, that concept is almost heresy (LOL, but I'm sure that influence kept me in limbo for much longer than I should have been!). In response to any pushback relating to this matter, I come back to the instructions that the flight crew "religiously" announces before an airplane leaves the terminal, "In the event of an emergency, pull down the oxygen mask and place it over your nose and mouth until the oxygen flows freely. THEN, assist your child". You must be able to breathe freely first, before offering oxygen, your unique life force, to others...
I’m 76 and started doing this at 70 but had a few “relapses”. It’s been a really tough year that way and ended in estrangement from my two daughters, but today understand by reading someone else’s comment what the “fucks” in the title refer to. They’re “fuck offs” 😊. I just reviewed all the people & groups I’ve cut off this year (the last one last week) and realized I have no more fuck (offs) left! Set some hard boundaries too. Something to really celebrate! Happy New Year to me! Got lotsa plans & projects (one I’ve put off for years) to look forward to, the depression has lifted and my motivation is back. So glad I’ve found you and this blog! Happy 2026 to US!
Yes indeed. I have quit putting up the christmas tree as it is too much work and watching my husband, who is not inclined towards this but wants to help, just wasn't worth it. Freedom. I simply said I don't want to do this anymore.
This distinction between giving up and choosing yourself is so powerful. The parking-lot moment especially, so many of us recognize it instantly, yet we’re trained to override it. Naming self-abandonment as the real quitting feels like permission.
I’m curious: do you think most women get one clear moment like that, or many small ones before they finally listen?
For me, it's been many small ones, punctuated by bouts of ill health. I'm still working out what I can stop bothering about, as I care for a man whose health is worse than mine and has never pulled his weight domestically. He is no longer even theoretically capable of looking after himself, so there are still things I would prefer not to give a f**k about but which I have to ensure get done. I'm in the process of re-balancing so that there is at least an equal place for me in my life.
I’m 69. In 1984, had a postpartum stroke at age 27, followed by worse one six years later — so I had no choice but to think of myself first.
It was heart-wrenching, not being able to hold my baby girl. I had an anxiety attack the day I got moved to stroke rehab and thought I was dying — and had to be put on anti anxiety meds so that I could focus on my physiotherapy. Our beautiful daughter realized from a way-too-early age that she “had to be good, because my parents were having having troubles …”
Women fare worse than men in stroke rehab, because of this ingrained sense of obligation to be the caregiver and household organizer, which overrides their need to focus on becoming competent and as independent as before returning back home. I was often plagued with guilt for not being a ‘normal’ mom.
I was so lucky, though.
My family always supported me and did their best to understand my need to be ‘me’, and along with friends and amazing healthcare pros who continue to keep me thriving.
Eventually, I even returned to work at Justice Canada, where I started a journey to become an advocate for people and their caregivers living with disabilities.
And now I’m a speaker and author of “Becoming Comfortably Numb: A Memoir on Brain-Mending” my 40+ year love story of how I’ve lived life on terms. (It’s crazy how much you can achieve when you have no choice but to remain positive and continue to find different ways to do what you want!)
I left from a "VIJ" (very important job) that was supposed to tick all the boxes - prestigious "senior level" position, mission-oriented and values-driven work, well paying. And although I loved it at first, I slowly became more and more stressed and miserable -but the decline was so gradual that only in hindsight could I see how unhappy I'd become. The final straw was realizing that I was being asked to support decisions that felt wrong to me. Suddenly, I saw clearly that a place claiming to fight dehumanization was treating its own employees like commodities. The values on the wall were not the values being lived. My aha moment was recognizing that staying would mean betraying the very values I thought I was there to uphold. I knew that my integrity was worth more than a paycheck - I needed to look in the mirror and be proud of who was looking back at me. But I was lucky - I could (literally) afford to leave, and I had my husband's full support and encouragement. For anyone contemplating a similar move: having an exit plan made all the difference for me. You might not know where you're heading, but you need the security and support to explore the possibilities that await.
I was diagnosed with incurable cancer 3 years ago and in the last year, I have been choosing myself and healing. However, I absolutely needed this right now! My mom has asked for me to join Christmas despite how it would make me feel to be there with my sister. But my insides are screaming that I'll regret it instantly, so I AM CHOOSING MYSELF and will not be going! Merry Christmas to me 🎄💜 THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Once again, your writing has lit a light bulb in my head. It's not the marriage I need to leave, I'm happy with that. It's letting go of some of the other things I've done or am doing because it's "what I do". It doesn't have to be. Not any more.
I understand what you are saying & why. Women show up to do the work & men do not. They get, or take, a free ride.
But at the same time, I don't show up b/c it's required or what I've been told to do. I show up b/c so few people, men or women, do. I show up b/c someone needs help & I can help. I show up for my children & those of others. It does no one any good to say "well, no one else is helping so why should I?"
It is a sense of community responsibility & I try not to resent other people, but simply to do what needs doing. Obviously I don't do everything & I am not a saint or a martyr. & I frequently stop somewhere & have an espresso just to enjoy some quiet time to myself. But I still show up.
& yes, I will be 71 in a few days & no one gets to tell me what to do any more, except myself.
Thank you so much for this. I feel this happening in my life and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. That questions about regret… any more moments spent not choosing myself feel like matter of life and death. I choose me. Finally. Now. Thanks for the work you do. As a fellow therapist I see how this is so needed. 💜
What if where you are isn't awful, isn't bad, it just isn't great, it's manageable, just dull? What if the grass isn't greener, if loneliness is worse than being just OK? My biggest fear is regret!
Well said and very wise.
I remember reading somewhere: Surrender actually means moving over to the winning side. That is what you are doing when you choose yourself. Moving over to the winning side.
Can we spend some time talking about the guilt? You mention it here...where does this guilt come from? I remember a book a therapist recommended to my dad back in the 70s: When I say No I feel Guilty... Maybe I caught it from him. Midlife and the loss of fucks for the last ten years have slowly been eroding how much guilt I feel but MAN, particularly as my difficult mom was declining from dementia, the guilt sucked. Some guilt can be healthy, but when does it cross the line into unhealthy? Is there a litmus test to gauge healthy guilt? It did just occur to me as I typed this, however, that maybe what I was feeling was just discomfort at doing something different...
Each line of this post illustrates the rickety road to self-actualization. Like you, Ellen, I regret in many ways that it took me 10 years to leave a relationship (of 31 years) that indeed had some indicators of trouble from the start. However, the balance tipped when I realized that the other half of this whole was inert, unable to pivot and evolve. I realized that I was stuck, and if I didn't do something, I would die on the vine, right along with him. The guilt and shame and the feeling that I was abandoning my person and my commitment prevailed in those 10 years of obligatory endurance, until I realized, that if I didn't abandon ship, I would go down. I would figuratively or literally die if I didn't leave. Walking away may be exactly what you think it is ... scary, uncertain, hard as hell. But I will affirm what Ellen said, when you step through and arrive on the other side of all that, there is lightness and opportunity to live a life with YOU at it's center. And for a recovering Catholic, that concept is almost heresy (LOL, but I'm sure that influence kept me in limbo for much longer than I should have been!). In response to any pushback relating to this matter, I come back to the instructions that the flight crew "religiously" announces before an airplane leaves the terminal, "In the event of an emergency, pull down the oxygen mask and place it over your nose and mouth until the oxygen flows freely. THEN, assist your child". You must be able to breathe freely first, before offering oxygen, your unique life force, to others...
This resonated in so many ways. I’m adding it to my saved folder so I can go back to it when I need a little kick in the pants.
It’s also fodder for a post that’s overdue in my publication, so thank you!
I'm listening....
I’m 76 and started doing this at 70 but had a few “relapses”. It’s been a really tough year that way and ended in estrangement from my two daughters, but today understand by reading someone else’s comment what the “fucks” in the title refer to. They’re “fuck offs” 😊. I just reviewed all the people & groups I’ve cut off this year (the last one last week) and realized I have no more fuck (offs) left! Set some hard boundaries too. Something to really celebrate! Happy New Year to me! Got lotsa plans & projects (one I’ve put off for years) to look forward to, the depression has lifted and my motivation is back. So glad I’ve found you and this blog! Happy 2026 to US!
Yes indeed. I have quit putting up the christmas tree as it is too much work and watching my husband, who is not inclined towards this but wants to help, just wasn't worth it. Freedom. I simply said I don't want to do this anymore.
This distinction between giving up and choosing yourself is so powerful. The parking-lot moment especially, so many of us recognize it instantly, yet we’re trained to override it. Naming self-abandonment as the real quitting feels like permission.
I’m curious: do you think most women get one clear moment like that, or many small ones before they finally listen?
For me, it's been many small ones, punctuated by bouts of ill health. I'm still working out what I can stop bothering about, as I care for a man whose health is worse than mine and has never pulled his weight domestically. He is no longer even theoretically capable of looking after himself, so there are still things I would prefer not to give a f**k about but which I have to ensure get done. I'm in the process of re-balancing so that there is at least an equal place for me in my life.
Those 3 questions!
I’m 69. In 1984, had a postpartum stroke at age 27, followed by worse one six years later — so I had no choice but to think of myself first.
It was heart-wrenching, not being able to hold my baby girl. I had an anxiety attack the day I got moved to stroke rehab and thought I was dying — and had to be put on anti anxiety meds so that I could focus on my physiotherapy. Our beautiful daughter realized from a way-too-early age that she “had to be good, because my parents were having having troubles …”
Women fare worse than men in stroke rehab, because of this ingrained sense of obligation to be the caregiver and household organizer, which overrides their need to focus on becoming competent and as independent as before returning back home. I was often plagued with guilt for not being a ‘normal’ mom.
I was so lucky, though.
My family always supported me and did their best to understand my need to be ‘me’, and along with friends and amazing healthcare pros who continue to keep me thriving.
Eventually, I even returned to work at Justice Canada, where I started a journey to become an advocate for people and their caregivers living with disabilities.
And now I’m a speaker and author of “Becoming Comfortably Numb: A Memoir on Brain-Mending” my 40+ year love story of how I’ve lived life on terms. (It’s crazy how much you can achieve when you have no choice but to remain positive and continue to find different ways to do what you want!)
Amazon/Kindle https://amzn.to/3Y4wTjz
Catherineallard.ca
So come on girls — live your dreams!
I left from a "VIJ" (very important job) that was supposed to tick all the boxes - prestigious "senior level" position, mission-oriented and values-driven work, well paying. And although I loved it at first, I slowly became more and more stressed and miserable -but the decline was so gradual that only in hindsight could I see how unhappy I'd become. The final straw was realizing that I was being asked to support decisions that felt wrong to me. Suddenly, I saw clearly that a place claiming to fight dehumanization was treating its own employees like commodities. The values on the wall were not the values being lived. My aha moment was recognizing that staying would mean betraying the very values I thought I was there to uphold. I knew that my integrity was worth more than a paycheck - I needed to look in the mirror and be proud of who was looking back at me. But I was lucky - I could (literally) afford to leave, and I had my husband's full support and encouragement. For anyone contemplating a similar move: having an exit plan made all the difference for me. You might not know where you're heading, but you need the security and support to explore the possibilities that await.
I was diagnosed with incurable cancer 3 years ago and in the last year, I have been choosing myself and healing. However, I absolutely needed this right now! My mom has asked for me to join Christmas despite how it would make me feel to be there with my sister. But my insides are screaming that I'll regret it instantly, so I AM CHOOSING MYSELF and will not be going! Merry Christmas to me 🎄💜 THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Once again, your writing has lit a light bulb in my head. It's not the marriage I need to leave, I'm happy with that. It's letting go of some of the other things I've done or am doing because it's "what I do". It doesn't have to be. Not any more.
I understand what you are saying & why. Women show up to do the work & men do not. They get, or take, a free ride.
But at the same time, I don't show up b/c it's required or what I've been told to do. I show up b/c so few people, men or women, do. I show up b/c someone needs help & I can help. I show up for my children & those of others. It does no one any good to say "well, no one else is helping so why should I?"
It is a sense of community responsibility & I try not to resent other people, but simply to do what needs doing. Obviously I don't do everything & I am not a saint or a martyr. & I frequently stop somewhere & have an espresso just to enjoy some quiet time to myself. But I still show up.
& yes, I will be 71 in a few days & no one gets to tell me what to do any more, except myself.
Thank you so much for this. I feel this happening in my life and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. That questions about regret… any more moments spent not choosing myself feel like matter of life and death. I choose me. Finally. Now. Thanks for the work you do. As a fellow therapist I see how this is so needed. 💜