The friend you’ve had for twenty years who suddenly feels draining
The career path you were sure about that now feels hollow
The hobbies you used to love that bore you now
The version of yourself you keep trying to get back to, but can’t quite reach
I have had all of this, in a dizzying fashion. I am older now (60), but I mourn my old life, my younger self, my younger kids. My children are grown now, which is a totally different dynamic from when they were younger. An 18 year marriage I blew up for another man who turned out to be a jerk. My husband would take me back, even now ten years later, but he is a maga and I cannot do it. I really wish he wasn't but every time I ask him a political question he enrages me. I have had a few friends I've lost due to life circumstances, due to different worlds. I am taking care of my mom who broke her back, so I am with her when I am not working. I was sure about my career but then had injuries and had to change. (massage). I used to love yoga, but it hurts now. I am surviving. Trying very hard to have different hobbies, but still end up on the couch reading. Trying to transform into what?? I know I have to have a better attitude but I am disappointed in some things, and mad at myself for everything.
My 17 year relationship abruptly ended last year, and along with it the end of a 15 year farmsteading and social enterprise project on the cusp of completion.
I've worked off-grid for many years now too in a remote rural area, and moving from here also means losing the land I love, my confidence in what comes next, and my hand-built home.
But a year down the track I'm starting to see upsides and new possibilities.
As recent as the last few weeks I'm getting into gear again and finding the courage to radically accept things and build a new future.
To anyone facing fresh challenges, I hope this is encouraging X.
I love the way you point out that language matters. Even when we don’t say the words aloud, we are communicating something to ourself and a small shift in words can lead to a big shift in impact.
Wow! That sounds so powerful. I’m 58. Quit my job end of last year (I’d been a classroom teacher & curriculum specialist for 24 years). No job to go to. No idea what happens next. I do feel ‘stuck’ - but I also knew I couldn’t keep on with what I’d been doing. From today onwards I’m gonna tell myself that I’m ‘transforming’. I particularly appreciated your explanation that I don’t have to believe it, I just need to keep saying it. That’s what will bring about the ‘re-wiring’.
Ellen, this post made me think a lot about something. I have inadvertently reinforced the wrong neural pathways with my negative self-talk. It is so habitual and I need to stop it.
I'm honestly curious about this: "You don’t have to believe the new thought for it to work. You just have to practice it. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a thought you believe and a thought you’re testing out. It just knows: This is the pattern we’re practicing now. Let’s build a pathway for it." In New Thought circles, teachers emphasize practicing new thoughts that are believable so that our "energy" or subconscious doesn't argue against it... I'd love to hear more on this!
Love this. I also think it's possibly more difficult in modern day culture as we live in times where we've grown conditioned to have things instantly or see other people that we think are seemingly getting things quickly. Therefore when we don't have that same result we feel stuck but transformation and progress takes time.
This landed deeply. The reframe from stuck to transforming feels both compassionate and neurologically honest—naming the reality without pathologizing it.
I’m struck by how much permission lives in that one word. Permission to be unfinished. Permission to not recognize yourself for a while. Permission to stand in the doorway without rushing to choose a side.
As someone who sits with people in their own “in-between” every day, I see this so clearly: what looks like paralysis is often a nervous system doing its best in uncertainty. Naming it as transformation doesn’t erase the grief or the fear—but it gives the brain (and the heart) a place to breathe.
The kitchen renovation metaphor is perfect. No one stands in a half-demolished kitchen and concludes they’ve failed at homeownership—yet we do that to ourselves in midlife so easily.
Thank you for offering language that softens shame and restores agency. This isn’t toxic positivity; it’s orientation. And sometimes orientation is the most powerful intervention there is.
Saving this. And sharing it with clients who need a kinder, truer story about where they are.
I understand this on such a visceral level when you describe it the way you do. I am transforming & I refuse to let myself feel/think I'm stuck anymore.
I'm going to try to use transform and see how it goes...
The friend you’ve had for twenty years who suddenly feels draining
The career path you were sure about that now feels hollow
The hobbies you used to love that bore you now
The version of yourself you keep trying to get back to, but can’t quite reach
I have had all of this, in a dizzying fashion. I am older now (60), but I mourn my old life, my younger self, my younger kids. My children are grown now, which is a totally different dynamic from when they were younger. An 18 year marriage I blew up for another man who turned out to be a jerk. My husband would take me back, even now ten years later, but he is a maga and I cannot do it. I really wish he wasn't but every time I ask him a political question he enrages me. I have had a few friends I've lost due to life circumstances, due to different worlds. I am taking care of my mom who broke her back, so I am with her when I am not working. I was sure about my career but then had injuries and had to change. (massage). I used to love yoga, but it hurts now. I am surviving. Trying very hard to have different hobbies, but still end up on the couch reading. Trying to transform into what?? I know I have to have a better attitude but I am disappointed in some things, and mad at myself for everything.
Well, I'm definitely transforming :)
My 17 year relationship abruptly ended last year, and along with it the end of a 15 year farmsteading and social enterprise project on the cusp of completion.
I've worked off-grid for many years now too in a remote rural area, and moving from here also means losing the land I love, my confidence in what comes next, and my hand-built home.
But a year down the track I'm starting to see upsides and new possibilities.
As recent as the last few weeks I'm getting into gear again and finding the courage to radically accept things and build a new future.
To anyone facing fresh challenges, I hope this is encouraging X.
So turns out the inner language does make a huge difference! 👉🏼👈🏼
Beautiful!
I love the way you point out that language matters. Even when we don’t say the words aloud, we are communicating something to ourself and a small shift in words can lead to a big shift in impact.
Wow! That sounds so powerful. I’m 58. Quit my job end of last year (I’d been a classroom teacher & curriculum specialist for 24 years). No job to go to. No idea what happens next. I do feel ‘stuck’ - but I also knew I couldn’t keep on with what I’d been doing. From today onwards I’m gonna tell myself that I’m ‘transforming’. I particularly appreciated your explanation that I don’t have to believe it, I just need to keep saying it. That’s what will bring about the ‘re-wiring’.
Thank you 🙏
Ellen, this post made me think a lot about something. I have inadvertently reinforced the wrong neural pathways with my negative self-talk. It is so habitual and I need to stop it.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ctdrenth/p/the-jesus-protocol-book-ii-chapter-726?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=73mr27
I'm honestly curious about this: "You don’t have to believe the new thought for it to work. You just have to practice it. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a thought you believe and a thought you’re testing out. It just knows: This is the pattern we’re practicing now. Let’s build a pathway for it." In New Thought circles, teachers emphasize practicing new thoughts that are believable so that our "energy" or subconscious doesn't argue against it... I'd love to hear more on this!
I love this and as a mother of an teenaged girl finishing high school, I see so many parallels. So doubly helpful!
Love this. I also think it's possibly more difficult in modern day culture as we live in times where we've grown conditioned to have things instantly or see other people that we think are seemingly getting things quickly. Therefore when we don't have that same result we feel stuck but transformation and progress takes time.
This resonates — especially the distinction between “stuck” and “transforming.”
What I keep seeing is that many women don’t feel stuck because nothing is changing —
they feel stuck because their nervous system hasn’t been taught how to be inside transition.
Language matters.
But so does safety while the language catches up.
Transformation often begins in the body long before the mind has words for it.
I needed to see this today, thank you for the reminder. I used the wording several times today as I moved through my day.
This landed deeply. The reframe from stuck to transforming feels both compassionate and neurologically honest—naming the reality without pathologizing it.
I’m struck by how much permission lives in that one word. Permission to be unfinished. Permission to not recognize yourself for a while. Permission to stand in the doorway without rushing to choose a side.
As someone who sits with people in their own “in-between” every day, I see this so clearly: what looks like paralysis is often a nervous system doing its best in uncertainty. Naming it as transformation doesn’t erase the grief or the fear—but it gives the brain (and the heart) a place to breathe.
The kitchen renovation metaphor is perfect. No one stands in a half-demolished kitchen and concludes they’ve failed at homeownership—yet we do that to ourselves in midlife so easily.
Thank you for offering language that softens shame and restores agency. This isn’t toxic positivity; it’s orientation. And sometimes orientation is the most powerful intervention there is.
Saving this. And sharing it with clients who need a kinder, truer story about where they are.
I understand this on such a visceral level when you describe it the way you do. I am transforming & I refuse to let myself feel/think I'm stuck anymore.