The Woman Who Refuses to Be Tame Anymore
On Reclaiming the Part of You That's Been Quiet for Decades
Here’s something I’ve noticed about women: we apologize before we speak. We hedge before we ask. We soften before we state what we want.
And somewhere in midlife, we start to wonder, “When did I get so damn tame?”
Women Who Run with the Wolves has been sitting on my bookshelf for years. Maybe it’s on yours too. Clarissa Pinkola Estés wrote it about reclaiming something she calls our “wild woman” nature. Not wild like reckless. Wild like authentic. Instinctual. Untamed by all the stuff we’ve been taught about how good women should behave.
The thing is, most of us didn’t lose our wildness overnight. We traded it in slowly. A little piece when we learned to smile when we didn’t mean it. Another chunk when we stayed quiet to keep the peace. More when we molded ourselves to fit someone else’s idea of who we should be.
By midlife, we’ve been so well-trained that we don’t even remember what our real voice sounds like.
The stories we tell ourselves
Estés uses old fairy tales and myths to show how women have always faced this struggle. These aren’t the Disney versions. They’re the older, darker, truer ones where women make mistakes, get lost, die, and come back to life transformed.
Midlife is the part where everything falls apart, so something new can grow.
You know that feeling when you can’t tolerate the same old bullshit anymore? When your body literally rejects situations that used to be manageable? That’s your wild nature waking up. She’s been sleeping for decades, and she’s pissed about all the time she’s lost.
What “wild” actually means
Going back to your wild nature doesn’t mean quitting your job to live in a van. (But if that’s your thing, go for it.)
It means trusting your gut when it says “no” instead of overriding it with “but I should.”
It means feeling your feelings instead of managing everyone else’s.
It means taking up space without apologizing for it.
Think about wolves for a second. They’re not reckless. They’re strategic. They know their territory. They protect what matters. They howl when they need to communicate. They rest when they’re tired. They don’t perform for anyone.
When’s the last time you let yourself howl?
The thing about midlife
Your brain is actually changing right now. Not breaking—changing. The decreased tolerance for toxic people? That’s neurological. Your bullshit detector is being upgraded.
The wild woman inside you isn’t some mystical concept. She’s the part of you that knows things before your thinking brain catches up. The part that makes your stomach drop when something’s wrong, even when you can’t explain why. The part that lights up when something’s right, even when it doesn’t make logical sense.
We spend the first half of life learning to ignore her. The second half? That’s when we learn to listen again.
How to start running
You don’t have to do anything dramatic. Start small.
Notice when you edit yourself before you speak.
Pay attention to what makes you feel alive versus what you do out of obligation.
Stop explaining yourself so much. “No” is a complete sentence. So is “yes.”
Ask yourself: what would I do if I weren’t afraid of being too much?
Then maybe do that thing.
The life-death-life cycle
Estés talks about the life-death-life nature of everything. Things have to die for new things to grow. Midlife is where a lot of old identities die. The person you thought you’d be. The marriage you thought would last. The career path that made sense at 25.
This dying process is supposed to be uncomfortable. But it’s not the end of the story.
What comes after is the part where you get to decide who you are now. Not who you were supposed to be. Not who someone else needs you to be. Who you actually are when you strip away all the performance.
That woman is still in there. She’s just been quiet for a long time.
What I know
That restlessness you feel? It’s not a problem to fix. It’s information you should listen to.
The wild woman you’re looking for isn’t someone you need to become. She’s someone you already are underneath all the layers of conditioning.
And she’s ready to run.
You coming?
Here's what's happening in a few weeks: I'm releasing the Midlife Clarity Assessment. It's what happens when a therapist who's been through “hell and back” creates something actually useful instead of another generic questionnaire. You're going to want this.
Please feel free to share your thoughts with me. I’m reading everything, but I can’t respond to everyone. Thanks for sharing.
If my words made you pause, smile, or think, consider being part of the journey.
The Woman’s Midlife Transformation Starter Guide shows you exactly how to begin when you’re ready to stop talking about it.
I read that book over 25 years ago and have a copy of it. It definitely resonated with me then…but since Covid pandemic I lost that wolf me. Your article is very timely as it reminds me of Estes message. It’s very difficult being caged.
A big, loud YES to all of this! I love that comparison of wolves to our intrinsic wild ways, which got shaped, shamed and shushed. I used to talk from a place of I'm-sorry-for-being-a-burden. Thankfully, that pattern has shifted. And yet ... making requests and asking for I need can still be challenging. My mentor, Ann Weiser Cornell, has this brilliant saying - Every no is a yes to something else. (Not sure why that small bit is underlined. There is no link)